Mental Access to MTKuszek

Mental Access to MTKuszek
A Window of Opportunity

Saturday, December 31, 2011

12-31-2011 Too-da-loo 2011!

Day 587

it's nice to come back to this blog from time to time and reflect on all that has happened this year.

back in january, i predicted to myself that this year was going to be a great year and that i was going to try and make this year one of the upswing years to build momentum to go into 2012.

i never could have predicted how this year went, and the resting point that i find myself at the end of the year. WOW what a ride!

some of the highlight from 2011: and so begins my year in review

1) Knome of the year 2010/ Official Publication: to be able to justify and give validity to my writing skills this year was a phenomenal experience, and i look forward to more writing in the new year. still need to work on my second draft of my stand alone project, which i have drive to do again. more importantly, i am proud to personally know the people at Hex Games. they are quality people and i am happy to know them. thanks guys.

2) the Death(s) of My PS3: my 60 GB chrome monster didn't make it through the first weeks of this year, neither did its replacement for that matter. but i will say the transition of the slim model has gone well, and i was able to pick up where i left off. hey, i'm a gamer geek, deal with it!

3) Zombie Movie experiment: i tried to watch 30 zombie movies in 30 days. didn't really work out for me, since i called it quits after ten days. maybe another shot during zombie month in april?

4) working out: i had some great results this year with EA Sports Active 2, and i find myself 15 pounds lighter at the end of the year. this is a great accomplishment for me, and i hope to carry this into the new year.

5) the closure of Bax Global: my summer was marred with rumors that ended up to be truths. the closure of Bax, and the end of a chapter in my life. it still pains me, since i spent 14 years of my life there, but then again, i would not be where i am now if it was not for the skill set i learned there. thank you Bax, but i remember a line from a book that i read years ago that came out about the same time i started working there:

"Been There. Done That. Never Again"
-a quote from a ghoul when asked about his years of forced servitude

6) Gencon: i was able to experience the best four days in gaming first hand in indy this past august, and i was able to bring my absolute A+ game to the table. my qags-in-a-bag event was the magnum opus in my repertoire of games, and it stands as a testament to my creativity. heck, it even made it on a podcast, and i'm majorly proud of that accomplishment. i hope to get back there again at some point. i will have to see how the world grows for me in the coming year. also, gencon was the last convention i went to in 2011.. i wish to change that this coming year.

7) the skies fall silent and unemployment: two months on the sidelines. two months of the worst feelings i've ever encountered. as time progressed, more of the joys of life turned cold and rotted in front of me. i now realize how important it is to work, maybe it's a conditioned response, but without proper focus and goals, life sucks real fast, and it leads down dark paths.

8) the new job and opportunity: the transition to my big boy job has been difficult and hard, but it is getting better. my first real paycheck was a mind-blower. i have to hold on to this job. to be a flexible as i can, and to do the best that i can. this could lead to bigger and better things, and can help me reach long term goals.

so there it is in a nutshell. life in 2011 was a rollercoaster, but i can tell you i am better off than i was 12 months ago. though the unknown aspects of next year are scary, i am confident that i will make it out of next year alive and well, and perhaps we can have this discussion next year about how much better 2012 was than 2011.

i wish you a happy new year, and all the best things for you and yours. peace, my dearest friends.

until next year.


Sunday, December 18, 2011

12-18-2011 Painful Growth

Day 574

i have had ups and downs; moments that have broken me as a person. the stress, the pressure, the lack of experience have all ganged up on me.

last week, i was called into the office of the manager of the shipping department at my new job. i will be honest; the last week i had a few "incidents" at work. nothing was damaged, no people were hurt, but it was the tight corridors and the lack of experience with the new equipment. i had a few bumps, and a singular "scootch" of the equipment. this was enough to get me in the office.

now i talked to them, telling them that this was a new environment for me, and that i was still trying to learn the system. i was given a piece of paper, and on that piece of paper were an evaluation of my forklift skills. apparently, i was below their expectation in about everything across the board.

that hurt. that hurt real bad. i had been doing this for two weeks, and this was the real first bit of feedback that i had received from anyone officially.

i told them that i thought i had some time to develop a bit more, to really understand how to do the job. apparently, i was wrong.

as they passed the paper over for me to sign, i felt something crack. a small chink in the armor. a tiny leak that pressed the weight of a torrent of emotions behind it.

i felt a tear well up. dammit, not here, not now.

they sat back down. i honestly couldn't tell you what their expressions were. i was lost at this point. i wept bitterly. the feelings, the emotions of the last several months finally poured from me.

now it wasn't cry-baby little girl crying. this was deeper. this was everything:

the grief over the loss of my last job.
the possibility of failure at this job.
the feeling of having to go back to being unemployed, or worse, returning to a job similar to the last one.
the feeling of letting down those that i love.
the separation anxiety between myself and my wife and kids.
the total stress of having to change everything, my entire life, for this job...

and now i felt it slipping through my fingers.

i tried to explain to them, those who were there at the table with me, that i was stressed with all the life changes. i told them about my fears, and that i was still not able to conquer them, regardless of how hard i was trying to push through them.

they were responsive.

they were willing to work with me, telling me that maybe i'm on the right bus, but just not in the right seat.

currently, i'm removing scrap at the plant, transporting it into containers for recycling, and i'm also back on third shift. no more shipping for me. at least for now.

they might move me into assembly at some point, and i'm interested to see if i can do this job now. i'm not getting my hopes up, but at least my stress level is way down now.

more updated to come, until then be safe.


Wednesday, November 30, 2011

11/30/2011 Long Overdue

day 556

ooh, how i have neglected you, the valued reader, from the new ongoings of my life. so many things have happened in the last nine days that i need to re-cap.

first off, i finally saw a doctor yesterday about my high blood pressure, and yes, i am on a HBP drug, low dosage, to try. some lifestyle changes are occurring for sure, and step one is getting back on the exercise wagon. this will help with my stress level.

two, i have started my new job with a automotive company in Bowling Green. the first three days were really hard, and unfortunately i was ready to throw in the towel by the middle of the second day. i was at the moment of decision, to stay or go, and i chose to stay. the job is unlike anything i've ever done in the past, and a lot of times i am terrified about what i need to do. the more i do it though, the less i am scare of it. still now some of the things make my heart race with anxiety.

the learning process has been "swim or sink" "fly or die" "feed you to the sharks" kind of stuff. forcing evolution of the learning process in extreme conditions. i have been told (when i've asked) that i've doing good, but i know i need to improve in some places for sure. i'm learning the layout and where things go. and i know it takes time. hell. it's only bee five days of work so far. i can't be expected to know everything. there are no limits to what i can do, but i don't know what boundaries i have in my work; what should i do first? what takes precedence over what? where does this go?

so much to learn, but i'm willing to learn if they are willing to teach me.

in other news, i have started branching out and have begun working on some new projects for our "plastic guys" side business. some of the things are really neat, at least in my eyes, and i want to share them with the world. some things will be ready for sale soon. i'll have more details to come soon. time to spread the wings and really see how far i can fly, if i can fly at all.

that's all for now, but i promise i'll be back soon. peace.


Monday, November 21, 2011

11/21/11 The light at the end of the tunnel...has retards in it

day 547

so today was my first day at work, and it was an interesting experience. to have a full time job after nothing is really nice, bu there is a lot of stressful moments that i have to make commonplace and overcome my fear of such issues.

today, i went to a physical (i'll get to why in a little bit) at 2:15 just before me scheduled time of 300 at the plant. i get there, do everything, but my blood pressure is high (i can say because of jitters) but they let me chill and tried again later, and again it was higher than last time. they did it again a little later, now after my allotted time to start at the plant, and again it was high.

F THIS! i'm nervous, ok?

so i got to get checked out again soon, but i've been offered an official position at vehtek, allowing me 90 days to let it ride to get an official position at the [plant.; i'm excited, and i want to do well, just have to learn the ropes, and calm the F down.

peace people,

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

11-09-11 a 96 hour Roller Coaster

day 534

the past four days, i have experienced the highs and lows of my life.

Saturday was a fantastic day. i spent time with my wife to pick out her new glasses, then supported the fort with a great Clash of the Kaiju game. still feeling strong, i chose to go out to my friend's house in Moline/Walbridge and pent the evening over there. they had missed me, and it felt great to be back. can't wait to go back this weekend.

Sunday, still riding high on the Mojo the night before, i was ready to tackle the world. i completed my mupermarket run in record time, and was starting to think about going into business myself, possibly some sort of party organizer/ event specialist.
Rachel had even found a few job listing in the blade for me. things were good...

...until my mother in law called

my mom in law is a good person, and i usually have no issue with her. however, she has been riding our asses about finding insurance for the kids, and is frankly adding additional stress on an already stressful situation. she was in one of her moods in which she wanted to sound off about her opinion and was really listening to the explanations we were giving her. frankly, she made us mad, and sent into a bad depression spiral. the winds were out of my sails; her words had shredded them to bits.

she called back later that day and left an apology on the answering machine. we haven't physically talked to her since.

monday, i spent time on the computer, sending off a resume to one possible employer, the other was an online app to BX Solutions, my former employer 2.0. i have not been thrilled about the idea of going back to my former workplace, regardless how much its changed. i closed that chapter in my life when BAX closed. i need to move on.

a few hours later, i receive an email from Manpower (the service that BX Solutions uses) and was informed that i had a VERY IMPRESSIVE resume(of course i should) and wanted to talk to me in person. great.

i waited for my wife to come home, a little pissed about the whole affair. my mother in law was never happy about my old job in the first place, had pointed out this specific ad in the paper, and if she found out that i was re-hired by BAX 2.O she wouldn't be satisfied. just the way she is, right? with some bitterness in my voice that reflected my dad's own voice, i told her about the opportunity, that i wasn't happy about this whole affair, but i would go back, but probably wouldn't see the family for a locked down five month period. she replied with a simple "Fine".

we didn't talk much at dinner, frankly. i was spent. i was crabby. i was back in the depression hole and back at square one. additionally, my wife was taking the day off the following day so that i could go down to the family services building and see if i could apply for medicaid. (again another attempt to get the mom-in-law to shut up)

until a phone call at 7pm monday night.

my first emailed resume called me. they wanted to see me right away. she couldn't give information about the job yet, but they (EXPRESS employment) wanted me to come in and give an interview. i roughly worked out a 2pm interview.

two hits on two employment opportunities? in the same day? i've had nothing to this point. i went to bed with a little excitement and a little nervousness.

my following day (tuesday) started too early, my youngest getting us up a 5am. i took a nap on the couch inadvertently, so i ended up being behind an hour.

i get down to monroe and bancroft, to the welfare offices, dressed down a bit to "blend in". i tried to be polite and courteous, asking simple questions, and trying to follow the directions for the 14 page app. i finished it, tried to avoid eye contact with everyone, and sat there. again the depression sat in. why was i down here? and why is it that everything breaks down when the support system is gone?

i got in, talked to the worker a little bit, and set up an interview with the caseworker, where i have to go in with every single shred of information that i can, just so that i can be told that "no, we can't cover you". this is the end result that i know we're going to get. it's just the way it is.

so, i get home, sickened by this whole ordeal, and i try to relax and have some time with the family before my interview. i get some good video game time with my girls, then get dressed in a much nicer fashion and head out to the head hunter service.

i fill out a basic application, do a skills evaluation, then hit the interview. the questions were really tough. usually you get a few through out interview, but this set of questions were very thought provoking. i was a truthful as i can be, adding in as many notable similar situations as examples to the questions. i got through it, then instantly i was asked if i can hang around for a second interview. sure, i said, i'm not doing much of anything today.

round two started with another batch of paperwork, these looking more official and the start of the actual hiring process. the questions in round two interview were more of the same provocative nature. i answered truthfully, relying on my years of experiences to pull me through.

i was informed that she was going to take a look at everything, then let me know if the actual clients would want to interview me. she would call me before the end of business that day.

i politely smiled, bid my farewell, then headed home. within the first half hour, i received word that they wanted an interview at the plant. i scheduled one for friday.

this might be the opportunity that i've been looking for. i feel so close, but i'm trying not to get my hopes up. i have to stay cool headed about this.



Wednesday, November 2, 2011

11/02/2011 Perspectives Shattered in Twenty Minutes

Day 527

i worked some of my second draft today, adding some new parts and refining others. not a bad start.

yesterday, i was doing the same thing for a while, and i was listening to my "Little Shop of Horrors original movie sountrack" just for some background noise. as this went on, i listened to the whole soundtrack, and realized that the last song didn't appear in the movie. it was a song called "Don't feed the plants."

Hmm, odd.

i had thought of an idea for a Dread game (my favorite horror game, and something i've talked about here before). thought it might work. so today, i watched the old black and white movie (which i had never seen) and thought it was cool. then i watched the 1986 musical movie, featuring Rick Moranis and Steve Martin. this one i had seen in the movie theaters years ago, and still loved it.

this got my mind working, because i had always wondered how they made the Audrey II plant. so i go online to look for some info.

i did not find what i was looking for. instead i found something a little more shocking to me.

apparently there is an original ending to the 1986 musical. one that is shot in black in white, unrefined, and reflects the end of how the actual stage musical ends (which i have never seen).


so the end picks up when Audrey II tries to digest the woman Audrey. Seymour comes in, rescues the woman, and they both escape. however, Audrey's wounds are severe, and she sings a sorrowful reprise to her "Somewhere That's Green" number. she dies in Seymour's arms.

there are a few minutes of Seymour carrying Audrey's body into the flower shop. he slowly puts the body into the gaping maw of Audrey II, and slowly disappears down the gullet of the flower. The woman's hand is the last thing that is seen before she disappears.

Seymour, stricken with grief climbs up to the nearest building and prepares to fling himself off the roof, when a man from a scientific firm comes to him with an offer. he has a small Audrey II in his hands, a clone that his firm has made from leaf clippings. he says that they can be rich beyond measure, but Seymour refuses, seeing the giant plant's plans.

he races into the flower shop, confronts the plant, and a fight breaks out. the plant collapses the flower shop, but Seymour survives. as he pulls himself out of the wreckage, he is bound by the plant's large vines, pulled to the giant maw, and devoured. the plant burps loudly and slits out the broken glasses of our fallen hero.

then the song that appears on my CD begins to play, accompanied by a four minute montage of giant plants tearing apart cities like Cleveland, Des Moines, and Peoria. this whole scene ends with what i assume to be Audrey II on top of the Statue of Liberty, her vines wrapped snugly around Lady Liberty's head. this is followed by a "THE END!?" slide.

first off, that's a really dark way to end a musical, but more importantly, HOW IN THE HELL DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS? really? this is the way this show actually ends? where the hell have i been the past 25 goddamn years? how is it that i never even heard a tiny iota about a possibility of this as the ending. if i knew this was then ending, i would've been to just about any high school's production of this show, musical or not.

my entire perspective is shot on this movie. now i know it not a happy ending. christ i feel like Phoebe on Friends where she finds out that they kill the dog at the end of Old Yeller. and for that, i'm sorry if i just ruined someone else's perspective.

anyway, i'm going to push forward. this just reminds me that i need to keep questioning everything.

See ya,


Tuesday, November 1, 2011

11/01/11 Potpourri of Pissed Off

Day 526

The tide has turned, not necessarily for the worst, but not for the best either.

i find myself in a constant state of flux, between the things that i need to do, and the things that i want to do. now, this is nothing new to me, or to any of us for that matter. it seems to be a human trait that can't be suppressed. i'm starting to think it's some sort of survival mechanism. forget the conscious, more like just a bunch of chemicals interacting to get $#!+ done.

now, here's the twist to all of this: i have an opportunity to reinvent myself here. to trail-blaze and cut myself out a new niche of success. the other option; i can join a newly formed company that is exactly the same operation that i did at Bax Global, for significantly less pay. i worry about this possibility being similar to another shutdown/startup fiasco as it was with the Ford/Maumee stamping plant. so to me, this is a threshold i'm not really ready to cross, at least not yet.

i'm thinking about the possibilities about starting up something for myself, perhaps some sort of party service. it's just a thought, but it's one of those that doesn't seem to go away. it would pay the bills, and some good money could be made in a relatively short time. plus it would be something i would enjoy doing. but then again, i'd probably be breaking even. but it is an interesting and enticing possibility.

oh, how the yin and yang pull at each other. i hope sometime soon i can get to the conclusion of this turmoil. i need time alone to think. then again, some feedback would be appreciated too. heh, i can't even make my mind up about that too.

peace friends.


Monday, October 31, 2011

10/31/2011 Derailed

day 525

from Thursday onward, this whole list of things to do was shut completely down. i took the day off on Friday to spend time with Jillian, which in fact she was supposed to be with one of the Grandmas that day. It didn't work out that way.

Then, The Riot Act was read to me by my wife. She had a difficult week, and apparently i was the target she chose to take it out on. i'm not holding it against her, since i know she's in a hormonal state at the moment, and i'm used to these antics during these moments. Sometimes i wonder if i know her cycle a little too well.

so now, i'm taking the foot off the pedal a little bit, working on the pressing pieces one at a time. the first thing i need to do is get ready for this weekend, and the Game Day at the Fort (Ft Meigs). i plan on running my set of Clash of the Kaiju on Saturday from 1-4, so if you're in the area, come check it out and support the fort.

i have all the hard components of the game set, but i still need to make printouts, and posts on the facebook page. it appears that i've overlooked a few things and need to correct them before moving forward.

once this weekend deal is done, it will be nothing but working on my second draft on my stand alone project. it needs A LOT of work, but i'm still convinced that it can be a success. everything else has to take a back seat for a while. My projects for upcoming conventions; welcome to the backseat.

that's all i have for now my peeps. have a great one.


Thursday, October 27, 2011

10/27/2011 Adjusting the Schedule

day 521

yesterday was a bit of a wash for me.

my four year old daughter was in one of her moods, which involves a lot of whining. she wanted to be involved in everything that i was working on. she needed some "us" time.

i can't turn that down.

i did manage to finish my second entry for the publication and sent it via email. i received a nice email back saying thanks for the entries. that made me feel good about what i was doing. i was questioning my work, i still do, and i know that i've given them carte blanche to fix and change anything around in my entries. anything to keep the creativity rolling.

but now i'm officially behind on my to do list. time for a bit of restructuring.

my next projects were a 24 hour grind on finishing an event for February, as well as beginning to tear apart my first draft of my stand alone project and begin to "frankenstein" it back together. What to do? What to do?

i think today i do a bit of both, starting with my first draft, and then work on my event once i tire of the revisions. thankfully, i have some great direction in the way i'm supposed to edit this thing. i now have a format that i can follow that might make this easier for me, plus i need to add a lot of content and refine the grammar quite a bit.

some excitement for a busy writing day. hopefull i can get several hours of writing done today. Off i go!!!


Wednesday, October 26, 2011

10/26/2011 Ahead of the Game? Or Behind Schedule?

Day 520

yesterday, i began to write my second entry for an upcoming publication, which meant that i had to do some background research of the subjects. It was a little more than i liked. but that's ok.

i spent most of the day writing and refining this entry, which to me is different than anything else i've written for this group. it's bland, designed not to be a magnificent or amazing item. i guess everything doesn't need to be spectacular.

but i didn't finish it.

at the end of the day, there were too many distractions to count after a few hours of writing. again. life pokes its ugly nose into everything i do. so i shut down the laptop, went downstairs, and began the mundane household chores. paid a bill online...WOO!!!

so today, i'm going to finish the entry and get it out in the email. then begin to revise my first draft.

this bring up this notion: am i ahead of the game, or have i fallen behind. my personal belief is that i'm ahead of schedule because if i hadn't made the list, i would be behind farther than now. so in other words, i'm just a little behind schedule.

time to move it today.


Tuesday, October 25, 2011

10/25/2011 Check That Off the List

day 519

before i begin, i just want to point something out; when i write this, i don't necessarily use proper syntax and english skills when writing this blog. i don't capitalize or punctuate all the time, i just make sure that get the words across and try to spell them correctly. it's my brain spilling out on the page, that's all. i'm actually a pretty good writer, i just don't use it here.

anyway, on to the post.

so yesterday (as well as today) i'm in my daughter's room, working at her desk, which is now my makeshift office for the days that she is gone. i began writing my entries, but then life decided to slow me down a bit. i received a phone call from my mother-in-law, discussing the possibilities about how my youngest daughter may have a urinary tract infection, and just generally making me feel bad about my current situation. it amazes me how things break down when you don't have the support system in place to catch it.

anyway, i get back to writing, then visit the social network to suddenly get bombarded with messages about another Bax-like business moving into the hub. this takes me back downstairs to print out an application, but not fill it out. i still need to talk to rachel more about this, but she really wasn't in a good mood last night to talk about it.

so again, i get back upstairs, but i lose my flow. at this point i take a break. relax and play a few games with my kids. once my daughters are settled in in the afternoon, i go back upstairs and finish the first entry. i look it over, then send it off to the proper people. i hope to hear something about it soon.

today, it's part two of the entries, though i have to write it from scratch today. a little bit of background research, and then the writing. i think i have a few ideas for it, but need to refine it as i write.

let's see where this takes me today. peace.


Monday, October 24, 2011

10/24/2011 Let's Do This To-Do-List

Day 518

So today i have decided to put myself to the test this week. so far, i've been able to balance the day to day affairs of running the household since i've been without occupation, but other things have fallen on the way side. this week, i'm going to pay attention to these outstanding commitments and get them rolling into right direction.

so, without further ado, here are the things that need to be done.

1) this blog: i want to get this out there that i'm doing this and get you an update about how this week is going. so far so good, right? i hope this will act as a warm-up for all of my writing skills, since i haven't been using them too much.

2) (today) finishing the HEX entries: this is a MUST and top of the priority list. for those who know me and have been paying attention to me the last year, i was published in a game supplement with a couple of entries for Hex Games. now, with another edition in the works, i have a few outstanding entries that need to be finished and placed in their hands. the specific ones that i'm working on are "official" on their list of things they want to include, so the pressure is on to deliver something good. i'm not thrilled with the way the entries turned out, but they're about as good as they're going to get. i'm going to rework them a bit, and hopefully i have one of them out to them.

3) revision of my first draft for publication: ok, the cat's out of the bag, i'm working on my first stand-alone product. it's the most challenging thing i've ever done, and thankfully my friend Ian has done wonders showing me what needs to be reworked, but at the same time being supportive enough to tell me that the works is good. i'm excited about this, and i want to deliver something awesome. the first step is to get this revision started. to refine it and take another step toward the finished product.

4) read: i have two people who's unpublished works i'm reading/correcting/feedbacking for them. i've been lacking on this, but no more. if i'm not writing, i'm reading. i know this isn't as pressing as my other issues, but as a favor to them, i'm doing it this week before anything else.

5) the 24-hour game grind: my next game convention isn't until february at BASHcon in Toledo, and i have a great game i want to run. however, i need to get a lot of things in gear for it. i have time, but i want to see if i can crank it out in about a day. i haven't been sleeping well recently, so maybe i'll stay up late and see where this takes me. perhaps i can get it finished.

6) Fix the Kaiju Box: i need to physically fix my "Clash of the Kaiju" box. i have an event in about two weeks at Ft Meigs, so i need to have everything up to snuff. i'll need to fix some monster bases, printouts, and to fix my cardboard slots at the bottom of the the box. this will be done toward the end of the week.

i think that's it. time to get cracking.


Sunday, October 16, 2011

10/16/2011 Stuck in a Funk

day 510

"But in the cosmos there is balm as well as bitterness, and that balm is nepenthe."

-- H.P. Lovecraft "The Outsider"

an absolute emptiness has fallen upon me. i still haven't grieved over the loss of my job. i've kept it hidden inside me, but it lurks there, and its messing me up big time.

all writing projects hae come screeching to a halt, including those that i have to work on for publication. i over-analyze my own talents, and question every word i write. there is no joy in anything i produce. other projects i used to work on with fervor are now mundane and shoddy in my eyes.

i find it hard to leave the house for anything anymore. though i had plans for this past weekend, both fell through. one unfortunately was because my wife was sick, and it was better to tend to her than leave her alone. the good in my heart is still there. the next day, Saturday, a day that usually was a day of great joy to me, was nothing more than another 24 period of existence. i could have done some fun things, yet nothing appealed to me, i was bored, and refused to be proactive in my pursuits because "nothing sounded good to me"

this is bullshit. this is not me.

those that know me personally know that i am a quiet and reserved person. i try not to rock the boat, stay in line, and just deal with whatever comes my way. i do better when my mind spills out on a page rather than a one on one social situation. now i have to rely on my social skills to get me through the day. that's very hard for me.

i'm a happy person, trying to see the good in things, and that part of me has been poisoned. the more turmoil i see on TV and in the town that i live in, the more that poison seeps into my veins. it's choking my good nature. i'm now one of the countless herd that has to fight to survive. that's pisses me off greatly.

not it seems that i am in a classic "man vs self" battle, and i have to play dirty to win. this is more of a challenge that i thought it would be.

i feel a bit better now. maybe i should take it slow, and do a little each day. prioritize some of the things that i need to do, and move on.

here goes nothing... time to sucker-punch sorrow.


Tuesday, October 11, 2011

10/11/2011 Long Overdue

Day 505

i've been trying to get back into blogging this past week, having great thing to talk about, but motivation has become an issue. i'll get through it though.

had a fantastic weekend just recently. visited a friend on Friday, and spend that time playing video games with him. good male bonding. went out with another friend, bombarding him with questions the entire time (sorry) , ate, drank, laughed, and watched crazy movies on netflix with his family. again, awesome. i look forward to his art show this weekend.

again, i need to stop paying attention to the news, makes me depressed. over-saturated with the overall ridiculousness of politics and big business. it's all smoke and mirrors people. it's designed to distract you from the important things. don't buy into it.

fall is here, makes me happy, though it does make it difficult to find a friend's house who lives right next to a corn field. looking forward to Halloween, since the place is pretty much decked out in Halloween decor. good stuff.

been writing, but really really slowly. i find myself questioning the words that i put on paper, but i think that's just because of the general state that i'm in. been busy with other things, the mundane but necessary tasks that are needed to keep life going. i think my brain needs a recharge.

taking myself out of the over-saturation of various things. it;s amazing how vice creeps into your life when there's nothing to do. wanting to spend money when there's no income is a bad thing. looking for that quick band-aid in a job now. something that will get me out of the house and paid, but it doesn't have to be the final solution to the problem.

car situation still hasn't been resolved. too much flip flopping. plus, i probably have a brake job coming up in the near future. crap.

anyway, sorry about the fragmentation, but that's what's been going on. peace peeps.


Friday, September 30, 2011

09-30-201 an exercise in meaningless acievement

day 494

so, for some reason, my body has begun to rebel against me, for both good and bad. the good news is that my ankle is healing wonderfully, and i haven't had to wear the brace for some time now. in fact, ever since the Cedar Point trip. i have a greater confidence that it's going to heal all right on its own.

the downfall is that my body doesn't know how to sleep when it supposed to all night long. the past several weeks, i have had to get up in the middle of the night and kill some time by playing video games, tv, the computer.

now my personal game of choice right now is "Dead Rising 2" a zombie infected Faux Las Vegas with tons of gimmicky weapons and unique missions. i've beat the game several times, and now i have turned my attention to "Grinding" for "trophies"

(for the non gamer: Grinding for Trophies means that i've spending time doing mundane tasks to unlock Trophies which are imaginary achievements that really don't amount to anything.)

anyway, i have my eye on the prize right now; i have begun to work towards two specific trophies that involve zombie bodycount. one is called "Z-Genocider 2: Genocide Harder" and i have to kill 53,596 zombies. the second is called "Zombie Genocide Master" which means i have to kill 72,000 zombies.

now, you're thinking, if i've played this several times, shouldn't i have an overall cumulative zombie count that equals this already? HA! here's the caveat; i have to do in one play-through, which is an in game 72-hour period, translating to just under 7 hours of real world time.

preposterous! how could anyone pull off such a feat?

simple, i bought the keys to a generation one Hummer; wide, heavy, and made to go over anything in its path.

now all i have to do is spend the several hours crushing zombies, ignoring all other aspects of the game, and turning a blind to every other survivor in the game. all in the name of a trophy the doesn't really exist...

does it help that the trophy is a gold trophy?

no...not really...oh well, ZOMBIES!!! WOO!!!


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

09-21-2011 A Long Day/ Clearly Insane

day 485

i begin writing this about about 5:50 am, simply because i didn't sleep well last night, and when i went to bed, my four year old decided this was the perfect time to get up. she is energetic, and i am fading. now the rest of the family is up to start their day, and i feel disconnected to the day already.

in other news, i've been writing more and more. in fact, i'm writing a few more entries for another publication later this year, and frankly i wonder if i am completely insane. some of the stuff i come up with is so far out in left field, i might be in another ballpark all together. some of the things that i come up with kind of frighten me, and i've started to wonder about why i tend to gravitate towards certain trends.

without giving away too much, i'm writing about a correlation between certain baseballs hit during the summer of 1998 and the very opening of the gates of hell because the owner of said baseballs is actually a demon. What? Who thinks this way? oh wait, i do!

so i'm trying to continue writing that entry today. i think i just need to keep my head down and barrel through it and not question my abilities or my state of mental health. maybe some sleep deprivation might help the gears to turn without issue.


Sunday, September 11, 2011

09-11-2011 Out Of Sync/ Honorable Mention

day 475

quick mention to 9-11 and all those who were lost in the terrible tragedy that was the world trade center attack. though you are gone, you will never be forgotten.

and on to today's post.

today i feel a little bit out of sync with the world. i've missed some good opportunities this weekend, but at the same time, some new opportunities are coming my way. i feel closer than ever to securing another car for the family, and i really hope it works out. also, though this Wednesday is the last time that i will ever step foot on BAX GLOBAL property, the job hunt is heating up, and i hope to secure a good job here real soon. i think i need it to keep my sanity going.

i plan on starting to work on some new projects in the meantime, giving myself a head start on the convention schedule next year. though i have no idea what the future holds for me, i have to keep moving forward as is there is no interrupt whatsoever.

speaking of conventions, my epic "Qags-in-a-Bag" game from Gencon was noted in a very cool podcast by if you want a taste of the insanity that i perform, listen to the podcast, and the section about me begins at about the 17:30 mark. i'll include a link at the bottom of the page for it.

i'm missing all my friends right now, but my wife is really helping me through this tough time right now, and i'm really beginning to let my real feeling come to the surface. i hope some good friend therapy is around the corner to help me cope with the emptiness.

i'm starting to put some plans into motion to run some social event of some sort in the near future. planning is a little sketchy at the moment, since my family is taking up a lot of that time, since they know that i'm off on the weekends. some good small trips are coming up in the future, and that'll help me get out of the funk.

i'm going back to michael's craft store in a little bit to go get some more halloween items with the girls. we'll make a day of it. NFL football is back, and that's good for the soul.

peace my friends. stay frosty.


PS: Podcast link

Friday, September 9, 2011

09-09-2011 I Hate People

day 473

i come to the horrible realization that i hate people. i really loathe them. not because of who they are, but rather that the collective is untrustworthy. my lack of faith in them, along with general apathy for the whole, grows every day.

last night, at about 9pm, we get one of those "double doorbell rings". my wife and i look at each other, wondering who this could be at this hour.

long story short, my wife answers the door, and this wet guy points out that he has his boss's car, that he locked out, that his car is on holland sylvania and bancroft, and that he need 15 bucks for the wrecker, and he was adamant about how much he needed. i was nearby the door, listening to him speed talk through this, i think he even faked a phone call, talking to his "wife" about the babysitter and how he's going to be late. i heard no feed back from the phone.

so my wife, a kindhearted woman, gave him the money.

this is not the first time we've been asked for money, but i swear to the heavens it will be the last. again i reiterate that i hate people. i'm generally paranoid at night, overly protective about my family, and my mistrust of the species grows with every little incident that happens to us.

Why us? why are we the good ones?


Wednesday, September 7, 2011

09-07-2011 Mr Monday Creeps Me Out.

Day 471

I haven't talked about Mr Monday recently, which isn't a bad thing. he just hasn't sone anything to really upset me, since i know that our time together is coming to an end. but this morning, he kind of creeped me out.

last night, i went into work for "cleanup crew", getting the place ready for what ever next tenant moves in. whenever that is. we worked from 2am to about 345am. not terrible, but a lot less than we're used to.

we leave the place, and in the parking lot, one of my co workers comes up with the idea about going to a pancake house of international renown. i'll all for it, so a few of my co-workers, individuals that i would call friends, go off to the nearest said establishment.

i pull into the parking lot and get out of my car. now, mind you it's dark and raining, but i can tel through my rain streaked glasses that a large vehicle is behind my car. i realize that it is Mr Monday's Van

funny. i think to myself, i didn't invite him. did he overhear us? did he see me turn in here because he goes this way to the expressway? what the hell does he want?

i wait to see if he's going to pull into the spot next to me, he does not. instead i go across the road and circle over to his window.

"what's up?" i inquire.

"hey, i've got a question for you?" he replies


"when are we supposed to start the unemployment registration?"

"date of termination and not before" i reply

"ok, that's what i thought. i'll see ya." he says. he begins to drive off.

i give him a quick wave and go towards the door. at that time two of my associates get out of there car.

"hey, was that just--?"

"yeah, yeah it was."

what? he's not eating here with us, is he?"

"no no no. he just wanted to ask me a question about unemployment."

"oh...that's kinda weird."


so we go inside and meet up with the two other who got to the restaurant before us.
during the food and conversation, two of the employees talk about how one of the independent contractors' cargo van is a "rape van" because it has a mattress in the back on the sidewall of the van.

at this point, my eyes open wide because i just realized something. i blurt out
"boy, i'm real glad (Mr Monday)'s question wasn't 'Hey, does this smell like chloroform to you?'".

at this point, i have to relay the specifics of this strange visit from the strange man in the parking lot to the other two individuals i was partaking in breakfast with. they game me the slightly creeped out look much like the others did.

only one more day with Mr Monday. then, freedom. i just really wish i don't run into him an another job.


Saturday, September 3, 2011

09-03-2011 Nothing Will Stop Me Now

day 467

Bax Global's operations have come to a complete halt, and i've had about 48 hours to really let that sink in. i've had moments of sorrow, those moments of stomach illness that allows worry to set in, and a general feeling of lethargy.

but that will pass very soon, because i know that this is opportunity. not an ending. but a new beginning. a rebirth. a moment that demands the seizing of it.

i know that 14 years is a long time to work for one place, but Bax helped me grow significantly, maturing as a human being and gaining experience along the way, and i will be forever thankful for that.

i know that my skill set is solid, and that any employer out there will be lucky to have me as an employee.

this level of confidence that i have right now is necessary , and the hopes that i will soon have a job is fueling me through this difficult time, but i intend to test exactly what i'm made of, and i know exactly what i'm made of. there is nothing on this earth at this exact moment that can stop me from achieving my goals.

i want people to know that i am fine, and that there is no need to worry about me or worry for us. my family and i are ready to brace the storm, and although we still need to put some thing in motion, we will be able to handle this situation and brave the storm.

i thank all of you for the continued support, and i will see you all soon.


Sunday, August 28, 2011

08-28-2011 Buncha Stuff

day 460

lots to cover today.

so, at work my ears were raped and my delicate nasal passages were assaulted. long story short, a co-worker and his friend were nearby and they spoke with vulgarity and obscenity. now normally i'm pretty resilient about such things, but the fact that they didn't let up for over 15 minutes actually pushed my limits. the audacious banality!!!
my poor ears!!!

i realized that the more some people speak, the less i like them. i absolutely hate it when my ears are unwillingly filled with crap.

so i leave the establishment and head out towards the guard shack. now, there is a large outside space between the main building and the guard shack. i managed to pass an incoming woman with about 10 feet of clearance, and after i passed her. i literally stumbled backwards. Perfume Cloud!

i stumbled towards the guard shack, a little light headed, and as i opened the door, another blast of the perfume assaulted my nasal passages. Damn, that's terrible.

i'm all for cleanliness, but come on! in some cases, less is more.

yesterday, i bid a fond farewell to Saturday work. good riddance after nearly two years of the stuff. i also begin my last week of BAX operations. it's going to be a hard one, for sure, and i really hope that i am strong enough for it.

i returned to the game tables of my friends this week officially, for the most part, having hit 3 of the 4 weeks previously. we scheduled out the next several weeks of gaming, reaching into the first few weeks of october. i hate the sensation of not knowing what lies ahead of me whenever i look at a calender. hopefully i will be working somewhere, even if seasonal.

today, family time with the girls. i do need to stop and get a new set of boots, which demands a trip across town.

i've been lacking motivation to workout and write, a direct result of the mild depression that seems to be setting in with the loss of my job. i've also tried to refrain from drinking, because i know that isn't a coping mechanism i want to deal with, and that's a dark path i refuse to tread. it's all about the will power.
i plan on working out all this week, every day. i have several writing projects that i'm officially and unofficially working on, and reading stuff daily. trying to stay sharp mentally will help me out with the lethargy.

so i buckle up for another week of family and work, and i see the finish line directly ahead. i wish i had brakes for time, but i also wish i'm strong enough to cross the finish line like a man.

that's all for now. peace.


Thursday, August 25, 2011

08-25-2011 The Ultimate Answer

day 457

today i bring you something special. something that has boggled the mind since the dawn of man. i have the answer to the meaning of life. and it all came to me like most things usually do; a moment of the convergence of the cosmos and karma. in other words, i stumbled upon it.

let's start with the obvious starting point: "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" by Douglas Adams.

in this novel, there is a large computer called Deep Thought, and it was built for the sole purpose to ascertain the Ultimate Answer to the Ultimate Question about life, the Universe and Everything.

after computing every scenario for 7 1/2 million years, Deep Thought spits out the Ultimate Answer...which is the very bland answer of 42.

so, the answer to the meaning of life is 42. Great.

now there has been years of speculation about how Douglas Adams came about with that answer and why he wrote it. some think it's a math joke, some think it's a pun, some just think it's a random occurrence.

i tell you now, i know the secret.

last night, i was in need of a bathroom book [you know what i mean :]] for a quick but non-committed read. i happen to find a book that my daughter has called "you can't scare me: a guide to the strange and supernatural" i peruse the large picture paperback, which talks about everything from vampires, werewolves, magic, aliens and everything in between.

so, i read for a bit, and i come across this one passage:

"Car 42, Where Are you?

the first Grand Prix to be held in Japan after World War II was in 1963 at the Suzuka Circuit in Nagoya. The favorite was Masao Asano driving a can emblazoned with the number 42. During the race, Asano's car went out of control and he suffered a fatal crash. In Japanese, the number 42 translates as Shi Ni , which means "to die". Racing officials afterward banned the use of the number 42, but in the following year's Grand Prix event, marshals checking the cars as they passed notices that a car bearing the number 42 was seen in eight of the 25 laps."

now, that's a really neat story, but the key phrase that is important to take out of that is this:

In Japanese, the number 42 translates as Shi Ni , which means "to die".

so if the meaning of life is 42, and 42 means "to die", then the meaning of life is to die.

wow, that's pretty bleak. no wonder they kept it a secret for that long.

a little levity for you today. stay awesome.


Wednesday, August 17, 2011

08-17-2011 Qags-in-a-Bag: The Gencon Game

day 449

the following is a transcript that i wrote out for my Gencon event. it's not 100% specific, but there is a lot to cover in a four hour game. this is real lengthy, so please bear with me, but it is about as fantastic as it gets. welcome to my mind.

Qags-in-a-Bag “QiB” Gencon 2011

the initial pulls: (6) these are shown to the players. Additional pulls during play are kept hidden until they are revealed.

odd angles and arrows/ surreal
gunned down
mutant league style
personal orbiting energy ball
PC changes Weakness
Doppler Effect

the initial setup (sci-fi mega-city cyberpunk judge dread)
location: New Detroit

the characters:
(each character is given an opening scene to introduce their character to the rest of the group.)

Elton Joel Tribute Man: his real name is lost because he has been an out of work impersonator of Elton John and Billy Joel. He is hired by his agent to be the entertainment for a High Society Event

Joe-Bob: a cyborg mall cop with built in GPS and Segway. He is hired to fill out the security detail for a high society event

Slick Shepard: Everyone's favorite arrogant TV show host. His main gig is a sports announcer on “MegaForceBall” a futuristic death sport. He is the main Interviewer of Big Bad Damocles; the sports largest star. Together they are supposed to attend the high society event.

Cranky old Man: an old man who lives above the venue where the high society is to be held. His joy in life is sitting outside on his balcony and telling the young to get off of his grass, even though he has no yard. His cane-jutsu is strong.

Super Jane Doe: a stunt woman who is clearly insane, thinks she is a superhero at times. She is hired to pull off a spectacular stunt at the Social Event.

Arthur (AKA Shithawk): master custodian at the venue of the social event. As he puts it, he doesn't give a shit unless its about shit.

The setup: note that [bracket entries] denote direct pulls from the bag and correlation to the overall plot:

Big Bad Damocles, famous MegaForceBall player, a [mutant league style] sport, has to go to a sports related high society event. He arrives with “Slick” in a limo. While entering, the entertainment and stunts go off without a hitch as the custodial and security details handle their jobs.
The old man above the venue decided to heckle Damocles, which throws him into a rage. Damocles begins to scale the side of the building and reaches the balcony of the old man.
As this is going on, a large semi barrels down the street, taking cars and vehicles out left and right, a shot rings out in the open air, and Damocles is [gunned down] and falls from the building and dies.
Local law enforcement descends on the scene and take the players into interrogations for statements. After several interesting statements, it is decided by the police that the players can clear their names by finding the real perps of the crime and bringing them to justice. The team returns to the scene of the crime and manage to find a clue of significant importance; a shard from the license plate of the semi.
The cyborg mall cop hacks into the mall database to see if he can get a match of the license plate. Amazingly, he does, and finds that the truck is owned by Michael Lablanc; heir to the Lablanc Shoes empire. He works at the mall, so it is justified that they would find the info there. They also find out that he likes to hang out at a local club called [the Doppler Effect].
The team goes to the Doppler Effect club, while several players schmooze with the ladies and alcohol is consumed, Shithawk goes to find the facilities. Shithawk happens to find Mr Lablanc in a stall performing some ritual with a [personal orbiting energy ball] and has manages to produce a swirling vortex just behind the toilet. One by one, everyone in the club is dragged into the vortex, though some are strong enough to resist the pull and walk into the vortex of their own free will.
The Players find themselves on a large square island, where all of the buildings and trees are bent at [odd angles and arrows/surreal]. The party continues on strong for a while, bu the players try to find a way around the island. Instead of finding a bus pass, they manage to find a sub pass. They go down into the subway, and find that there is literally small personal subs that can take you to anywhere on the island. During this time, the stunt woman superhero has failed to take a dose of her medication in a while. Though she fails her weakness roll, the weakness does not grip her, and she appears to be cured of her dependency here in this strange world. She is rewarded the option of [PC changes weakness], which she swaps out eagerly.
The sub ride goes uneventful, and drops off the players on the docks near the far end of the island. Again, the trees are bent inward towards the center of the island. The players move forward into the dense jungle, to find that they are attacked by [marionettes]. They are made to look like natives or some other tribal group. One is blown to bits by the mall cop with a built in rocket launcher, but then put together again by Elton Joel. He is dubbed “junkie” and after communication is established with the natives, the group is led to the camp of the marionette natives...

now comes one of the best highlights of the game. A player (out of character) throws out the comment that : “a native village like this might worship something strange, like an unexploded nuclear bomb. I smile at the player, then flip the [Doomsday Device] I pulled a few minutes before and exclaim “Oh My God! They have an unexploded nuclear bomb in the middle on their village!”

Back to the game: now that there is a bomb in the center of the village, all hell breaks loose. The old man beats on the bomb with his cane, while the stunt woman begins to crush the homes of the marionettes. During the time, the tribe shaman makes his way to the group, telling them to stop. He looks like he's very old and battle-worn, for he bears the [bite marks] of some animal on his wooden body. He manages to stop the attacks for now.
Meanwhile, Shithawk and Slick make their way back to the sub dock. It's about this time they realize that the reason the buildings and trees are bent is because the leakage of radiation from the bomb. As they frantically look for a way off the island they see several dots on the horizon flying towards them. As the dots get closer, they can tell that the dots are black ops helicopters. They hover over the island a heavily armed soldiers rappel down ropes. The soldiers perform as [strategic insertion] to recover the bomb and do so without incident. They leave as quickly as they arrived, and leave the players alone again with the marionettes.
One of the players notices that there is a [talisman] embedded in the ground where the bomb was resting. He hands it to the stunt woman/superhero, simply because it is in her same color scheme. Upon doing so, it actually gives her superpowers, and grants her [boots of immaculate speed]. She speeds around the poor village destroying more and more huts, fully convinced that they are evil. Several other attempts are made to stop her, but finally she is talked down and stops the attack. It is a little too late, however, as junkie is the last marionette to survive.
The players decide to leave, since there is nothing to do anymore at the island. They manage to pick up another sub and make their way to a second island, which seems to be a thriving old world town. There are all sorts of shops for food and goods.
Slick decided that his outfit isn’t working for this scene, so he plans on having a new suit made. He goes to find a unique bolt of cloth to make his suit stand apart from all the others. Something loud and gaudy, flashy but not overstated. He manages to get a truly unique patterned cloth that seems to shimmer and shift. Slick loves it, and pays top dollar for it. Then he finds a tailor to make the suit. Against all good taste, the tailor agrees to make the suit, but it will take a lot of money about an hour of time.
So, with time to kill, the players go to look for Lablanc, and manage to find the fiend incognito as a sombrero wearing old man. He is apprehended by the superhero and mall cop. He says he killed Damocles so that he could get his personal orbiting energy ball for a ritual to awaken the [crabmen]. It seems to be more of a lie than the truth, since they have seen no crabmen, so they take Lablanc into custody and lead him back into town, where a local [cooking contest] has broken out. Elton decides to try and win the contest by swiping key ingredients from other tables and making his own pie. Surprisingly, he wins, but just barely.
As the Players get close to the tailor's place, so that slick can pick up his new suit, Lablanc gets away, takes the newly made suit and puts it on. In doing so, the fabric grants [special effects/ SFX] and disappears in a flash of smoke.
Slick is seriously bummed at this point, but tries to get another suit made of the same fabric. The quality is not as high as the first suit, but it does work.
As the players look for clues, they see that a bit of fabric leads away from the scene and a single thread is leading them all over town. It is at this point that Shithawk finds his calling; the museum of fecal history, and the worlds largest collection of toilets anywhere in the universe. Shithawk achieves that perfect moment of balance and zen, and enters the last place that he will ever work. (in other words, the player had to leave, so this was the most opportune time to send Shithawk “down the toilet”)
the players bid a find farewell to Shithawk, and continue tracking down Lablanc via the thread. At this point, Slick is really angry because Lablanc is destroying the suit that Slick paid for with a gratuitous amount of money. Finally, they come across a large door with a sliding eye-port. It looks to be an old entrance to what might have been a speakeasy at one time or another. The large man behind the door lets the players in, though he has a ridiculously high voice for a man of his size. Slick tells the man to get a hold of “his people” because the goon might have a future in the Mega ForceBall universe.
The thread leads the players up a staircase and find themselves in an ornately decorated office building. The whole place is decked out in a feudal Japan theme, and there are two ornate doors in from of them. One is slightly ajar, so they venture forth into the inner office.
Lablanc stands there, a Katana slung over his shoulder. He smiles, then mockingly speaks to the players, and it occurs to the players that his speaking and his lips are completely out of sync, just like bad dubbing. As it turns out, Lablanc is the head of the Toho [Ninja Clan], and within seconds the room is filled with 40 ninjas, all with [great reflexes].
Slick tries to reason with Lablanc, telling him that he is outclassed, then tries to get the ninjas to turn on their master. Enrages, Lablanc throws a shuriken at Slick. Slick's player, spends tons of yum yums at this point to make the most spectacular catch by clenching the chinese star in his teeth, then pulls it out and flashes a glinting smile.
Instantly, the ninjas know who the true rules of the dreaded Toho Ninja Clan should be. They capture Lablanc and make Slick the new leader of the Toho. They award him a big gaudy medallion that show his new found status with uncharacteristically unnecessary bling.

The wrap up

With the baddie caught, they return to the main dock, then make Lablanc reverse the ritual that sent them here in the first place. In doing so, there is a large flash of light that blots out everything. Beyond that they see that a black door opens in the distance. The realize that they are dressed in normal everyday clothes, and all personal effects are gone.
They go through the black door to find that they are on a stage, in which there are pytotechnics flaming up, fake smoke generators, and curvy cuties showing them the correct way to go. There is a huge crowd cheering them, but then they find that Lablanc is standing on the other side of the stage, dressed like a gaudy gameshow host. He lets the players know that they have won fabulous prizes, though no one expected them to complete the tasks that they had been given. The players now realize that this has all been some sort of VR game show. Slick is disappointed to find out that his own personality had been overwritten by the game show Lablanc, because the ratings cant get enough of him.
As the players come to grasps with what just happened, Lablanc signs off saying the show's catch phrase:
“Remember, [Life's a game] on everybody's favorite game show, [99 ways to die!].

Obviously the end credits roll with the song of the same name by Megadeth. The feedback I received from this specific game session has been absolutely awesome. I thank all my players for making this one so memorable.


Tuesday, August 16, 2011

08-16-2011 Qags-in-a-bag: The Setup

day 448

tomorrow, (i hope) i should have the write up for one of the best games that i have ever run in my signature convention game, Qags-in-a-bag.

and what, pray tell, is Qags-in-a-bag? allow me to explain... gear up kiddies, this is the long version of the origins of the fabled and mysterious bag.

let's travel back in time to late June 2006. exactly one week before Origins '06

Saturday evening, i'm in Point Place, at the annual Summerfest and Fireworks extravaganza. hanging out with family. for some strange reason, my father asks me if they are to expect anymore grandchildren. i reply, "No, it hasn't happened at this point. I'm pretty sure it's not going to happen."

Sunday, my wife informs me that she is pregnant with our second child. Karma's a bitch, right?

so, she tells me that i should go to the con and have a good time, and not really worry about the pregnancy situation. so i go. it is this weekend that i discover the Qags 2nd Edition rulebook, and it's also the first time i get into a qags event at a convention. i fell in love with the system and wanted to run something for my friends as soon as i could.

and i did, my group manages to do a game that we wanted to for a long time; a superhero game in which you pull your name from a hat and design your character around that name. it was mad fun.

so, after that, Qags became my default system for quick adventure. but i wanted a faster delivery system. from my previous experience, i know that gaming while having a child happens at a premium. i began to kick around an idea of creating a true random adventure generator, something that i could just pull out and in a matter of seconds i could get a game going. kinda like mad libs for RPGs.

so i looked at how i did the character creation for our superhero game. small pieces of paper. nothing special. i began to write other things down on the paper. game mechanics, places, persons, things, sayings, concepts, fully realized ideas, etc. after a while i had a bit of a pile of small papers. i began to throw it into a brown paper lunch bag to hold them all. i wrote "Qags Lunch" on the bag, just to make sure that it wouldn't get lost in the mix of other bags.

the bag slowly filled with ideas, but it was a long process, and after a while, i decided to try it out. i pulled out three or four pieces of paper at once, took a look at them, then began to put together some semblance of a theme. strangely, it worked. i pulled out three more, then made a second theme. i thought i was on to something.

so i tried it out on friends, and it seemed to work, though i really didn't have any specific rules for the game at this point, since i considered it free-form.

i debuted "Qags-in-a-bag" in 2008, since "Qags Lunch" didn't cover the concept very well, and "making $#!+ up off the top of my head" is a little lengthy. it's first public event was at BashCon in my home town. this was also the time that i inadvertently ran into two of the Hex Games staffers, those who write Qags and Qags related products.

so for 4 1/2 years now , i've been running this event, and i've still never had a duplicate game. fascinating.

I say that the "Qags-in-a-bag" game that i ran at Gencon this year was by far the best thing that i ever ran using this technique. again, i hope to have the full write up posted tomorrow.

Qags-in-a-bag: Invented By Necessity...Designed By Insanity...


Tuesday, August 9, 2011

08-09-2011 Gencon Indy Wrap-up

day 441

Gencon: For gamers, it is the Mecca of the gaming universe, and a pilgrimage that any gamer should make at least once in his or her lifetime.

And I did it last weekend...

first off, Indianapolis is an awesome city, full of things to do downtown. It's really clean and the sights are amazing. Plenty of things to do it the large city.

Now, we arrived on site on Wednesday. I had a game that evening, while my other friends got together to play L5R, I went to meet up with Mr. Engle who was the GM for “Bloodbath and Beyond: Monstertown Vice” it was a great way to start off the convention. A lot of fun an shenanigans were had. Here's the rub: I didn't realize that Gencon does not just exist in the ICC, but rather in several nearby sites as well. This game was going to be held in union station, an old train station, turned into a fantastic conference plaza. An eye opening experience for sure, but I found my way around after a while.

Thursday: Dressed in my “Have you seen my Zombie?” T-shirt, which I had about 50 comments about it that day, I explored the dealer room with a few good friends, and initially didn't buy much. I did pick up the three CD's by Midnight Syndicate and Gavin that I really wanted. The rest would come later.
That night I played in Josh's “Sword and Sorcery: Curse of the Alchemist” which was wonderfully cool. I was amazed by the caliber of player that come to play at Gencon. We seemed to all be on the same page for that game. It was nice.

Friday: didn't really do any significant gaming, but I did peek in on some of my friends games, and played a few board games, taking pictures here and there. More and more people.

Saturday: my game day, I reached that moment of zen a few moments before my event began. I had some exceptional players who were on board at the first moment. My Qags-in-a-Bag is probably one of the most interesting and strange games out there, and it fits my personality perfectly. I told them that the ship could go down at any moment, and to expect the unexpected. They loved it, and together we crafted a story unlike any other that I have ever done. It was my best work to date. Stay tuned here for a blow by blow play of the game.
Later in the afternoon, the Hexgames staff, and myself, all went to a microbrew house called the ram, which was really cool. Drinking a few beers with that group is awesome.

Sunday: the wind down: tired, exhausted and a little homesick, we wrapped up, said our goodbyes, and headed home. I was really excited to see that my kids and wife were excited to see me.

A Phenomenal time. EPIC on all levels.


Sunday, July 31, 2011

07-31-2011 Pulse/ Recipe

day 432

There is a pulse going through me right now. not necessarily my heartbeat, but a palpation of anticipation. an undeniable tremor that i can feet throughout my entire being. that feeling that i get when something great is going to happen.

it is a bright spot in an otherwise dim moment.


in a few days, i will be on the road to Indianapolis with good friends to partake in my first Gencon experience. before that happens i have a lot to do, but it's going to be worth it. already i feel the excitement building in me even as i type this. i hope that this experience is going to be a meaningful memory for years to come.

in other news...the job hunt is slow and fruitless at the moment. i have resumes ready to go, have posted on, and have submitted to a few jobs already. it's all i can do at the moment, but usually the weekends are better than the weekdays to job hunt anyway. slowly but surely, right?

finally, one of my readers wanted me to post my shish-tawook recipe on here. this is one of my favorite recipies, and since it is from my aunt who works as a teacher in the U.A.E., i can pretty much assume this is about as authentic as it can get.

so here it is. best on the grill, BTW.

Shish Tawook (spicy chicken)

2 lbs boneless chicken
1 clove garlic, crushed
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp black pepper
2 1/2 oz olive oil
1/2 tsp cayenne pepper
1/4 tsp cumin powder
1 tbsp lemon juice

mix all ingredients except chicken together. cut chicken into 3/4 to 1 inch cubes and place in marinade turning until all pieces are well coated. leave at least for 2 hours chilled. put chicken onto skewers and grill for 10 minutes, turning frequently serves 4.

don't need to tell you to be very careful about stabbing your hands with the skewers or touching eyes or open sores with this marinade. it'll burn for hours if it gets into open skin. also, i prefer to let it sit for 24 hours, turning it with a spoon occasionally, to really get that marinade into the chicken.

hope you enjoy. see you all soon.


Friday, July 22, 2011

07-22-2011 The Skies Fall Silent

day 423...

shortly after Sept 1st, the night skies will fall silent in Toledo...and the silence will be deafening...

last night, we had a meeting with our regular supervisor, followed by the Area Managers of the facility, and the word was grim indeed.

effective Sept. 1st, Bax Global will close its doors.

now, earlier in the week, i had posted on my social network page the following status update, and i quote:

"i have this impending sense of dread that i just can't shake. interesting..."
Tuesday at 1:30pm

was this the feeling that i had? was this the exact moment that my termination papers were printed, placed in an envelope, and sent to my facility so that i could have them thursday?

the fact is: DB did nothing to save this company. no improvements were made, no new exciting programs were created and utilized. they bought us, knowing they'd get the money back, then picked the flesh from our bones and are leaving us for dead.

Toledo is in bad shape, even more so with a lack of a major business presence at Toledo Express. above that, the unemployment just added 700 new bodies to the pool of job hunters.

today, my status update read the following:

"The axe has fallen, the other shoe dropped, and the ship has sailed. Bax Global to close Sept. 1st.

essen mein schei├če, Deutsche Bahn..." (the last line for our non-german speaking friends is "eat my shit, etc.")

i refer back to my post "06/25/2011 My State of Mind" a few days after i heard about the original press release in europe. so basically they had a month to decide nothing, and now some things slip from my grasp and enter that black void i wrote about.

they will not have me though. i will bounce back from this.

i think that the worst part of this whole situation is that i'm going to have the inevitable discussions with family and friends and they will ask the questions of "how do you feel about this?" and "what comes next?".

this is day one for me, all over again, and i don't have those answers yet. over the next few weeks as i get closer to the close of the hub, i'm sure i'll feel some things, and i 'll be sure to share them here.

as for right now, i'm going to sit on my couch, and chill. i hope you can do the same today.

to all my coworkers, past and present, i thank you for being such an integral part of my life for the past 14 years, and i truly wish our friendships continue long after the skies fall silent.


Tuesday, July 19, 2011

07-19-2011 Rumors and Heresay

day 420

so it's officially unofficial: Bax Global could be, might be, will be, and won't be closing in the near future.

let's start from the beginning...

last week of june, a german paper released an unofficial statement that DB (Deutsche Bahn), BAX's parent company, was comsidering removing itself from the US shipping market, and considering closing it's Schenker branches in the US.

a few days later, Heiner Murmann, CEO and President of Schenker, Inc. in Freeport, New York, was quick to deny the allegations. saying they were looking for other ways to adapt to the current market conditions and world economy.

officially, i know that there is a meeting that is supposed to occur in the next couple of months, with a decision possibly at the end of the year.

unofficially, i see things and hear things that really point to the inevitable. now, i'm generally an optimist about things, but i see a lot that hasn't been done. that points to the inevitable.

let's recap...

1) the initial buy: when DB purchased us about 3 or 4 years ago, we were told in so many words, was going to keep us the way that we were running, with minimal changes and interference. they kept that promise. also during this time, field station became Schenkers, while the hub remained as Bax Global. interesting, right?

2) The Port Authority grant: we were given a few million dollars to renovate the hub facility, possibly adding to the truck dock and the customs area. that never happened, because the company had to front an additional 1 to 2 million dollars to go ahead with the project. needless to say. that hasn't happened.

3) the lease is up: the lease for Bax Global's Hub is up for renewal, (supposedly sometime in the next year or so) and although this is a minor thing, why wouldn't this be the most opportune time to close shop?

4) The new Freight Suite: we were supposed to roll out this new customer Freight Suite which simplified our shipping options, i've seen a little of this, but not to the estent that we were supposed to see it, it was supposed to be across the board by now, but i see one or two pieces like this a night.

5) the Fleet: when DB bought us, they failed to take into consideration the Bax dedicated fleet. our planes are old, and with age, they guzzle fuel like no one's business. this is one of the main sticking points of DB's financial strategy. they don't like it.

6)The Rumor Mill: i cant confirm nor deny the existence of these rumors, but this is what i've heard:

in no specific order:

we will be bought by another company that bid on us the first time we were sold.
we will be bought by UPS/FEdEX
we will be bought by Amazon
there will be no vending machines in the facility by late july because the lease is up with the vendors.
the company is cutting the chicago trucks altogether.
the company will be bailed out by the president.
the company is F**ked

that's what i know. so far i've tried to remain positive, taking a strict "whatever happens...happens" approach, but everyday i see less and less good things that tell me that were staying open. life goes on, ops goes on, that's all we can do...


Monday, July 11, 2011

07/11/2011 The Great Absorbtion

day 412

Gencon, the big convention elephant in the room and the bucket list goal, is now about three weeks away, and i'm taking this time to get myself ready for this monster of a convention. i have a lot to do, both physically and mentally, so i find myself doing various tasks this week to get ready.

physically, i have to work out, but my ankle is worse than ever. i'm forced to wrap the darned thing to get some more support and that seems to be helping a bit. it doesn't hurt that much once the wrap is on, so i need to get really good rigid ankle brace before the convention.

i need to do a lot of clerical work these next few days (get ink for the printer, download an app for characters, print character sheets and organize them in a binder, etc) which is always expected this time prior to a convention. the small inconvenience is worth it though.

part two of this is reading...lots of reading. i have a collection of PDFs that i should at least look over in some detail so i can be ready for pick-up games at the convention. add in that aspect with my volunteering to be a reader for several other friends' projects and you end up wishing you had a kindle or a nook. either way, it'll help me work on my writing and reading skills, which have been lacking lately, but i'm reading every day again, which is good, and writing several things at the moment, which has me excited again.

so off i go to ice my ankle, read, write, and workout.



Wednesday, July 6, 2011

07/06/2011 Diabolical to the End

day 408

it's been well documented that often my brain and i do not all the time get along, especially at night.

well, let me rephrase that, we tend not to get along at those moments when i sleep and dream. I work nights, at least for now, so maybe my mind is a little resentful that i've taken it out of its normal sleep schedule for the last 14 years.

anyway, today it showed me something totally villainous. we're talking "my brain went out and got a waxy mustache and tweaked the tips of it while laughing fiendishly" kind of sinister.

i think the worst part of it is that my mind really knows what disturbs me, and can hit me there before i have any chance to react. i hate it when it shows me man's capacity to do harm to his fellow man.

the dream today was this:

apparently, i was watching the tour-de-france on the telecast. (now i know this is a dream because i never watch this, even when Armstrong was competing) anyway, the riders, who were all French, (of course they were...thanks brain!) were coming to a section of the course where there are wheat fields on these steep hills, and that the track runs down these hills at a ridiculous rate of speed. also, the twists and turns of this course were extremely technical and that any slight miscalculation could mean ruin.

so i continue to watch.

the leader of the entire race is followed closely behind by another racer, and the leader sends that racer into the field by banging into his bike. unfortunately, the leader doesn't see the racer behind his now-field-bound opponent and that racer runs into his backside, flipping him over his handlebars and injuring the leaders knee and ankle. i know this because the leader lays on the ground and nurses his knee.

now the real horror begins.

there is a huge pileup of riders everywhere, and you can literally see legs being broken at different angles because of the immense pressure that builds up from the added weight of both biker and bike.

fistfights break out everywhere, as each racer tries to get back into the race, the scene gets worse as each racer does everything they can to get away from each other and back into the race.

the vision that i saw, just moments before i woke up was straight out of a horror film.

one racer, during one of the pileups, had somehow twisted his leg through the spokes of the back wheel of another racers bike, and that racer was trying to take off back into the race. the man's leg was slammed repeatedly by the wheel into the frame of the bike as the bike's rider tried to get moving again. the bike-rider gets the back wheel spinning again, as the man's leg breaks through spoke after spoke, until finally the man's leg becomes amputated from the knee down as the rider rides off.

i remember hearing the announcers screaming "it's a decapitation! a decapitation!" (a word that i know is wrong in this sense) and that's when i woke up.

it's been about an hour and a half since i had this dream, and its starting to fade, but it's still a bit freaky.

i still won't trade in my brain for anything. i guess i have to take the good with the bad. i'm sure this isn't anything a good bowl of soup won't fix :P

anyway, thanks for reading my rambles.


Sunday, July 3, 2011

07/03/2011 Bold Moves and Brazen Pests

day 405

i made a bold decision the other day, and solidified my spot at Gencon this year. regardless of outcome of the future inevitable events this month and next, i feel that this trip is now important to my personal growth and that i shouldn't deprive myself of this experience. i have friends who i don't see all too often, and i would like to see them. plus, my one event this at this convention is sold out. this proves to me that all the hard work i've been doing for the past four years is paying off. i'm in the right place, the center of all things good, and it feels great.

on the home-front. things are not terrible, but there is this pest around that i really don't how to cope with the person. she is a granddaughter of a nearby neighbor, and frankly, she irritates me. she plays with annabelle, but is very pushy about things, like wanting to come inside, or getting annabelle out of the house after i've told her that she is in for the evening. she even came over after 930 last night to give annabelle a walkie-talkie so that they could continue talking.

i think this kid is lonely, but she also seems to be very brazen about things. she means well, but she gets on my nerves quite a bit. he antics are almost that of a stalker.

now i know how it feels when my dad told me that some of my friends were pests too. it's odd to be on the other side of the conversation now. at least i'm trying to be a bit more respectful about the whole situation with my daughter.

anyway, today is a good cookout day, and i'm going to enjoy it.

have a safe one!


Saturday, June 25, 2011

06/25/2011 My State of Mind

day 397

((Note: this is just a generalization of the feelings that are going through me at the moment, and by no means does it mean that i am unstable or in need of medication.))

i feel...

i find my self standing on a large concrete plane, a tarmac, vast and empty.
i am alone.
behind me, far in the background, a building i know all too well.
i can't read its sign, it appears jumbled, but i know what it says.
i know it from the colors: green, black, and white.

far in the distance behind it, overcast clouds, black, thick, swirling.
i can feel the pull, the gravity, being yanked towards those clouds, yet i don't move.

the black void swirls behind the building, and i see the building flake and crack.
tiny shards peel off the building entering the void and disappearing all together.
the building shakes with the threat of being removed from its foundation.

yet i don't move.

i look ahead into the distance in front of me. i see things...

i see a table, filled with books and board games, with people i know seated around the table. i know this abstract image. for me, it is the image of where i want to be.

i see this image begin to fade and flux, switching between moments of reality and absolute decimation. i can feel the pull of the void reaching over me, and it too begins to pull flakes from this unstable icon, dragging it closer to oblivion.

beyond that, i see the number "15". it is not whole, but rather a digital display, like those on an alarm clock.
its numbers are broken, flipping indiscriminately between the numbers "15" and "14"
this too begins to shake, faintly, but deliberately.

yet i don't move...

through all of this, i should hear wind, the roar of air, the rush of oxygen. yet i don't hear that.

i hear whispers...faintly on the wind...

the words are distinct. the voices i know.

"we're fxcked"

"Game over."

"prepare for the worst"

my voice is among them too, rebutting their statements.

"hope for the best"

"this isn't over yet"

"no need to panic."

i look beyond all of these things. deep into the distance of the future...of uncertainty.

i see three doors, black monolithic obelisks against the sky.

i know these.

they are the doors. the doors of what could be, what should be, and what will be.

i take a step, yet i don't move.

my feet are in still water. stagnant. fetid.

i hear my voice on the wind.

"it's too early. Wait"

i reply to my voice.

"there is no time. i need to know"

i take another step, yet i don't move

my feet are in mud. sinking. powerless. no leverage.

my voice comes again.

"there is still hope"

i reply "i need to know. things hangs in the balance"

again i take a step, yet i don't move.

my feet dig into the concrete. anchored, deep.

my voice on the wind

"no need to panic. we must wait. we will know soon."

i look down at my feet, then to the distance.

i sigh, then speak.

"then i will wait."

so...i don't move.


Wednesday, June 22, 2011

06/22/2011 A Million Miles a Minute

day 394

It's no secret that i have a lot of projects that i like to work on in my spare time, and this summer is no exception, but there are some significant differences in this year than in others.

this time, i'm not really doing it for my own good.

earlier this year, i had talked to several individuals that i know about possibly submitting some works to them for possible publication. These works are specifically for some of the things that this groups produces in pdf form online. i thought i could help out a bit and give them a bit more to work with and possible lessen their overall work load.

sounds nice, right.

well, my first project is already written, and i've been typing in into my laptop, embellishing it further as i go, and getting closer to the end. no snags so far in the process so far...except for my brain.

now i have not been trying to overlook this work, so to speak, but my brain has decided to start spitting out ideas for other things that i could be working on for this group. things that will obviously come later down the road as long as my first one is good.

my brain wants to jump the gun. i can't have that.

i've tried to placate my brain by writing down some ideas for these things as they come, and have given in a well organized binder for these ideas. well, the more ideas i let out, the more my brain wants to work on those ideas.

i've tried to do the whole "one day at a time, one project at a time" concept... not really working out at the moment. but i still have the desire to do this, the overall drive is there. i just have to finish i, edit it, rework it, and make it as close as perfect as i can and then hand it over to them at some point before the end of the year. (my personal deadline) we shall see how this goes. i hope for the best, and i'm pretty sure the next few months are going to be crucial to the success of this project and the other projects i want/need to do.

until next time


Friday, June 17, 2011

06/17/2011 An Unforseen Injury

day 389

this past week i've been doing my regular workouts, reaching the end of the cardio kick program. i was doing real well, until about tuesday, when my right ankle started to hurt a bit.

now, i've been having some problems with this foot the past several years, usually nothing worse than stiffness in the Achilles tendon. well, now the amount of impact i've been doing on this foot during my workouts have caused the tendon to be really sore, to the point that i'm limping when i walk.

today, after a good soak, i tried to get through today's workout, but when i tried to move on to the jump rope section of the workout, i was unable to put pressure on the foot.

i reluctantly stopped working out.

now i have to get this foot looked at, hopefully it's nothing too serious, but i have to impose a complete embargo on all workouts for at least three weeks.

pisses me off, because all that i've done for the past 10 weeks mill go down the drain, and again i'll be at square one.



Saturday, June 11, 2011

06/11/2011 An Old Tradition Returns

day 383

i've thought about it for a long time this week, and i think i'm going to do it.

for the past few years, the first of the year tradition, known as "the first", has fallen to the wayside, mostly because i am no longer in the good graces of the person i used to do this proud tradition with, for so many years now.

this year, i plan to ressurect this tradition.

for those of you that don't know: "the first" traditionally occurs on the first of the year, and to day has nothing to do with college football on TV. instead, it involves drinking and playing video games, all day long. well, as long as you want, really, because i'm getting a bit older and my body doesn't like the drink as much. you get the idea.

well, this year, i plan on doing it on my terms. i think it might be a fun time again, given the right people. so now i will plot and plan and come up with something like a party, i'll have to give it a bit more consideration before the times comes, which is still a while off. i'll see if i can get a select few to come, and see if it takes off again.


Friday, June 10, 2011

06/10/2011 Soundtrack of My Life


so a while back, i talked about the Definitive Playlist and the songs that define me. we'll i started working on them, and have so far retrieved 18 songs that are really good and seem to define me in some way.

here are the songs, and why i chose them. final order is still to be determined.

1 "Head Up High" by Firewind: fast paced metal song that reaffirms self-worth. "you'll never be yourself/don't ever lose your pride/ just find out who you are/keep your head up high" a great way to hype yourself up and build self esteem at the same time.

2)"I want it all/we will rock you" Queen-featuring Armageddon (from Sucker Punch Soundtrack): probably one of the coolest rap rock mish-mashes from recent history. a little greedy about getting things, kind of narcissistic, but good.

3)"Awake Alive" by Skillet: i know they are like POD and Flyleaf, and i have no problem with their Christian beliefs, but the song isn't bad at all, and it does have some strong phrases in it, telling you that it's you against the world, and don't well yourself short.

4)"Superbad (11:34)" by Travie McCoy: a song i heard on the NFS: Hot Pursuit Soundtrack and fell in love with it instantly. falls under the "life is a road and take your path" genre. good,and it does make you want to go fast in your car.

5) "Feelin' Good" by Michael Buble: i liked Sinatra, and i like this guy too. again, i'm always feelin' good :}

6)"Remember the Name" by Fort Minor: doesn't really apply directly, but i like the math involved. definitely feel that i am reason enough to remember my name.

7)"Wicked and Weird" by Buck 65: a strange song that appeals to my weird streak. has some good lyrics, good beat, and is different enough to add to my collection.

8)"Eye of Horus" by Here Come the Mummies: like the phrase "Lurking in the shadows /occupy your nightmares and your dreams/ i'm your fantasy, reality/ everything in between/Omnipotent watcher in all directions/up, down, left, and right/ I'm everywhere/ i'm the Eye of Horus tonight". a feel good undead funk song that gets the blood going. a little sexy innuendo in the song too never hurts.

9)"Are you Happy now? by Michelle Branch: a reminder that not everything we want tends to turn out the way we plan. a fair warning, and one to be heeded.

10)"So Long" By Everlast: i'm still debating why i put this song in the list. don't get me wrong i like it, it's one of my fives, but i think it again acts as a warning not to tread that dark path that we could go down at any time we want. basically take the high road and steer clear of those that have decided to take the low road.

11)"Then The Morning Comes" By Smash Mouth: a good song about being yourself. kind of a party song, but also acts as a confirmation that i've got my stuff together, and when that happens that is a beautiful thing.

12 and 13)"Millenium" and "No Regrets" by Robbie Williams: this tandem team of songs have been a steady favorite of mine since 1998. the two are just plain old good songs, and they tell the tale that sometimes life does things to us, and our own worth is dependent how we deal with the crap that life throws at us. (or something like that)

14) "The Becoming" by Nine Inch Nails: i had to put a NIN song in, because they are still my favorite band. this song tells me that sometimes you just aren't in control, and there is nothing you can do about it. kind of a crappy moral to the story, but that's the breaks sometimes.

15)"Hello Zepp (Theme from SAW)" by Charlie Clouser: a former live band alum from NIN, Clouser is a phenomenal movie score composer. this song is here because i love horror flicks, and it does get the blood pumping a bit.

15)"You Raise Me Up" by Josh Grobin: if there ever was a life affirming piece, this would be it. i don't care much for the artist on this one, but at least he got this song right.

16) "The Last Day On Earth (Live Acoustic Version)" By Marilyn Manson: Fantastic Version of this song. nothing more, nothing less.

17)"Do I Make You Proud" by Taylor Hicks: An American Idol winner, who really hasn't done much, but this song is great. it all boils down to the fact that we do want people to be proud of what we do, and that would absolutely put a smile on my face for sure.

that's what i have for now. Peace!


06/10/2011 The Porn-o-net


It amazed me just how much porn is out there on the internet.

now, were not just talking about the various sites, or even the genres of pornography, we're talking about sheer volume of porn, and how easy it is to obtain with various technologies.

i can see how easy it could be for someone to really lose themselves in life and become addicted to porn and the internet. hell, i'm sure people have lost their jobs because they've flat out refused to go to work because they've been at home jacked in and...well you can finish the rest. personal problems as well as relationship problems could easily stem from such abuse.

now i'm a guy, and i can admit that i like porn, and the only thing that better than free porn. and there is a lot of it, and a lot of sites to get it by various means. and you never have to leave your house.

think about it this way.

you have your base sites. most of the studios have their own sites and stores. lets use "playhouse" as an example (good fictitious name). so say they have their own site. for that site alone, we can say there are at least 10 sites that take those videos and pictures to other hosting and tube sites for the masses. with a little tech savvy and a few searches, those pictures and videos can be brought into your home.

i read an article recently on the web, and it is estimated that 4.2 million websites are pornographic in nature. in other words, that is 12% of the overall internet. on top of that, almost 25% of all searches are pornographic in nature. no wonder we never get anything done in this world.

i would suggest reading this. kind of opens your mind about what's really going on.


well, off to view porn. lol