Mental Access to MTKuszek

Mental Access to MTKuszek
A Window of Opportunity

Saturday, December 31, 2011

12-31-2011 Too-da-loo 2011!

Day 587

it's nice to come back to this blog from time to time and reflect on all that has happened this year.

back in january, i predicted to myself that this year was going to be a great year and that i was going to try and make this year one of the upswing years to build momentum to go into 2012.

i never could have predicted how this year went, and the resting point that i find myself at the end of the year. WOW what a ride!

some of the highlight from 2011: and so begins my year in review

1) Knome of the year 2010/ Official Publication: to be able to justify and give validity to my writing skills this year was a phenomenal experience, and i look forward to more writing in the new year. still need to work on my second draft of my stand alone project, which i have drive to do again. more importantly, i am proud to personally know the people at Hex Games. they are quality people and i am happy to know them. thanks guys.

2) the Death(s) of My PS3: my 60 GB chrome monster didn't make it through the first weeks of this year, neither did its replacement for that matter. but i will say the transition of the slim model has gone well, and i was able to pick up where i left off. hey, i'm a gamer geek, deal with it!

3) Zombie Movie experiment: i tried to watch 30 zombie movies in 30 days. didn't really work out for me, since i called it quits after ten days. maybe another shot during zombie month in april?

4) working out: i had some great results this year with EA Sports Active 2, and i find myself 15 pounds lighter at the end of the year. this is a great accomplishment for me, and i hope to carry this into the new year.

5) the closure of Bax Global: my summer was marred with rumors that ended up to be truths. the closure of Bax, and the end of a chapter in my life. it still pains me, since i spent 14 years of my life there, but then again, i would not be where i am now if it was not for the skill set i learned there. thank you Bax, but i remember a line from a book that i read years ago that came out about the same time i started working there:

"Been There. Done That. Never Again"
-a quote from a ghoul when asked about his years of forced servitude

6) Gencon: i was able to experience the best four days in gaming first hand in indy this past august, and i was able to bring my absolute A+ game to the table. my qags-in-a-bag event was the magnum opus in my repertoire of games, and it stands as a testament to my creativity. heck, it even made it on a podcast, and i'm majorly proud of that accomplishment. i hope to get back there again at some point. i will have to see how the world grows for me in the coming year. also, gencon was the last convention i went to in 2011.. i wish to change that this coming year.

7) the skies fall silent and unemployment: two months on the sidelines. two months of the worst feelings i've ever encountered. as time progressed, more of the joys of life turned cold and rotted in front of me. i now realize how important it is to work, maybe it's a conditioned response, but without proper focus and goals, life sucks real fast, and it leads down dark paths.

8) the new job and opportunity: the transition to my big boy job has been difficult and hard, but it is getting better. my first real paycheck was a mind-blower. i have to hold on to this job. to be a flexible as i can, and to do the best that i can. this could lead to bigger and better things, and can help me reach long term goals.

so there it is in a nutshell. life in 2011 was a rollercoaster, but i can tell you i am better off than i was 12 months ago. though the unknown aspects of next year are scary, i am confident that i will make it out of next year alive and well, and perhaps we can have this discussion next year about how much better 2012 was than 2011.

i wish you a happy new year, and all the best things for you and yours. peace, my dearest friends.

until next year.


Sunday, December 18, 2011

12-18-2011 Painful Growth

Day 574

i have had ups and downs; moments that have broken me as a person. the stress, the pressure, the lack of experience have all ganged up on me.

last week, i was called into the office of the manager of the shipping department at my new job. i will be honest; the last week i had a few "incidents" at work. nothing was damaged, no people were hurt, but it was the tight corridors and the lack of experience with the new equipment. i had a few bumps, and a singular "scootch" of the equipment. this was enough to get me in the office.

now i talked to them, telling them that this was a new environment for me, and that i was still trying to learn the system. i was given a piece of paper, and on that piece of paper were an evaluation of my forklift skills. apparently, i was below their expectation in about everything across the board.

that hurt. that hurt real bad. i had been doing this for two weeks, and this was the real first bit of feedback that i had received from anyone officially.

i told them that i thought i had some time to develop a bit more, to really understand how to do the job. apparently, i was wrong.

as they passed the paper over for me to sign, i felt something crack. a small chink in the armor. a tiny leak that pressed the weight of a torrent of emotions behind it.

i felt a tear well up. dammit, not here, not now.

they sat back down. i honestly couldn't tell you what their expressions were. i was lost at this point. i wept bitterly. the feelings, the emotions of the last several months finally poured from me.

now it wasn't cry-baby little girl crying. this was deeper. this was everything:

the grief over the loss of my last job.
the possibility of failure at this job.
the feeling of having to go back to being unemployed, or worse, returning to a job similar to the last one.
the feeling of letting down those that i love.
the separation anxiety between myself and my wife and kids.
the total stress of having to change everything, my entire life, for this job...

and now i felt it slipping through my fingers.

i tried to explain to them, those who were there at the table with me, that i was stressed with all the life changes. i told them about my fears, and that i was still not able to conquer them, regardless of how hard i was trying to push through them.

they were responsive.

they were willing to work with me, telling me that maybe i'm on the right bus, but just not in the right seat.

currently, i'm removing scrap at the plant, transporting it into containers for recycling, and i'm also back on third shift. no more shipping for me. at least for now.

they might move me into assembly at some point, and i'm interested to see if i can do this job now. i'm not getting my hopes up, but at least my stress level is way down now.

more updated to come, until then be safe.