Mental Access to MTKuszek

Mental Access to MTKuszek
A Window of Opportunity

Saturday, June 25, 2011

06/25/2011 My State of Mind

day 397

((Note: this is just a generalization of the feelings that are going through me at the moment, and by no means does it mean that i am unstable or in need of medication.))

i feel...

i find my self standing on a large concrete plane, a tarmac, vast and empty.
i am alone.
behind me, far in the background, a building i know all too well.
i can't read its sign, it appears jumbled, but i know what it says.
i know it from the colors: green, black, and white.

far in the distance behind it, overcast clouds, black, thick, swirling.
i can feel the pull, the gravity, being yanked towards those clouds, yet i don't move.

the black void swirls behind the building, and i see the building flake and crack.
tiny shards peel off the building entering the void and disappearing all together.
the building shakes with the threat of being removed from its foundation.

yet i don't move.

i look ahead into the distance in front of me. i see things...

i see a table, filled with books and board games, with people i know seated around the table. i know this abstract image. for me, it is the image of where i want to be.

i see this image begin to fade and flux, switching between moments of reality and absolute decimation. i can feel the pull of the void reaching over me, and it too begins to pull flakes from this unstable icon, dragging it closer to oblivion.

beyond that, i see the number "15". it is not whole, but rather a digital display, like those on an alarm clock.
its numbers are broken, flipping indiscriminately between the numbers "15" and "14"
this too begins to shake, faintly, but deliberately.

yet i don't move...

through all of this, i should hear wind, the roar of air, the rush of oxygen. yet i don't hear that.

i hear whispers...faintly on the wind...

the words are distinct. the voices i know.

"we're fxcked"

"Game over."

"prepare for the worst"

my voice is among them too, rebutting their statements.

"hope for the best"

"this isn't over yet"

"no need to panic."

i look beyond all of these things. deep into the distance of the future...of uncertainty.

i see three doors, black monolithic obelisks against the sky.

i know these.

they are the doors. the doors of what could be, what should be, and what will be.

i take a step, yet i don't move.

my feet are in still water. stagnant. fetid.

i hear my voice on the wind.

"it's too early. Wait"

i reply to my voice.

"there is no time. i need to know"

i take another step, yet i don't move

my feet are in mud. sinking. powerless. no leverage.

my voice comes again.

"there is still hope"

i reply "i need to know. things hangs in the balance"

again i take a step, yet i don't move.

my feet dig into the concrete. anchored, deep.

my voice on the wind

"no need to panic. we must wait. we will know soon."

i look down at my feet, then to the distance.

i sigh, then speak.

"then i will wait."

so...i don't move.


Wednesday, June 22, 2011

06/22/2011 A Million Miles a Minute

day 394

It's no secret that i have a lot of projects that i like to work on in my spare time, and this summer is no exception, but there are some significant differences in this year than in others.

this time, i'm not really doing it for my own good.

earlier this year, i had talked to several individuals that i know about possibly submitting some works to them for possible publication. These works are specifically for some of the things that this groups produces in pdf form online. i thought i could help out a bit and give them a bit more to work with and possible lessen their overall work load.

sounds nice, right.

well, my first project is already written, and i've been typing in into my laptop, embellishing it further as i go, and getting closer to the end. no snags so far in the process so far...except for my brain.

now i have not been trying to overlook this work, so to speak, but my brain has decided to start spitting out ideas for other things that i could be working on for this group. things that will obviously come later down the road as long as my first one is good.

my brain wants to jump the gun. i can't have that.

i've tried to placate my brain by writing down some ideas for these things as they come, and have given in a well organized binder for these ideas. well, the more ideas i let out, the more my brain wants to work on those ideas.

i've tried to do the whole "one day at a time, one project at a time" concept... not really working out at the moment. but i still have the desire to do this, the overall drive is there. i just have to finish i, edit it, rework it, and make it as close as perfect as i can and then hand it over to them at some point before the end of the year. (my personal deadline) we shall see how this goes. i hope for the best, and i'm pretty sure the next few months are going to be crucial to the success of this project and the other projects i want/need to do.

until next time


Friday, June 17, 2011

06/17/2011 An Unforseen Injury

day 389

this past week i've been doing my regular workouts, reaching the end of the cardio kick program. i was doing real well, until about tuesday, when my right ankle started to hurt a bit.

now, i've been having some problems with this foot the past several years, usually nothing worse than stiffness in the Achilles tendon. well, now the amount of impact i've been doing on this foot during my workouts have caused the tendon to be really sore, to the point that i'm limping when i walk.

today, after a good soak, i tried to get through today's workout, but when i tried to move on to the jump rope section of the workout, i was unable to put pressure on the foot.

i reluctantly stopped working out.

now i have to get this foot looked at, hopefully it's nothing too serious, but i have to impose a complete embargo on all workouts for at least three weeks.

pisses me off, because all that i've done for the past 10 weeks mill go down the drain, and again i'll be at square one.



Saturday, June 11, 2011

06/11/2011 An Old Tradition Returns

day 383

i've thought about it for a long time this week, and i think i'm going to do it.

for the past few years, the first of the year tradition, known as "the first", has fallen to the wayside, mostly because i am no longer in the good graces of the person i used to do this proud tradition with, for so many years now.

this year, i plan to ressurect this tradition.

for those of you that don't know: "the first" traditionally occurs on the first of the year, and to day has nothing to do with college football on TV. instead, it involves drinking and playing video games, all day long. well, as long as you want, really, because i'm getting a bit older and my body doesn't like the drink as much. you get the idea.

well, this year, i plan on doing it on my terms. i think it might be a fun time again, given the right people. so now i will plot and plan and come up with something like a party, i'll have to give it a bit more consideration before the times comes, which is still a while off. i'll see if i can get a select few to come, and see if it takes off again.


Friday, June 10, 2011

06/10/2011 Soundtrack of My Life


so a while back, i talked about the Definitive Playlist and the songs that define me. we'll i started working on them, and have so far retrieved 18 songs that are really good and seem to define me in some way.

here are the songs, and why i chose them. final order is still to be determined.

1 "Head Up High" by Firewind: fast paced metal song that reaffirms self-worth. "you'll never be yourself/don't ever lose your pride/ just find out who you are/keep your head up high" a great way to hype yourself up and build self esteem at the same time.

2)"I want it all/we will rock you" Queen-featuring Armageddon (from Sucker Punch Soundtrack): probably one of the coolest rap rock mish-mashes from recent history. a little greedy about getting things, kind of narcissistic, but good.

3)"Awake Alive" by Skillet: i know they are like POD and Flyleaf, and i have no problem with their Christian beliefs, but the song isn't bad at all, and it does have some strong phrases in it, telling you that it's you against the world, and don't well yourself short.

4)"Superbad (11:34)" by Travie McCoy: a song i heard on the NFS: Hot Pursuit Soundtrack and fell in love with it instantly. falls under the "life is a road and take your path" genre. good,and it does make you want to go fast in your car.

5) "Feelin' Good" by Michael Buble: i liked Sinatra, and i like this guy too. again, i'm always feelin' good :}

6)"Remember the Name" by Fort Minor: doesn't really apply directly, but i like the math involved. definitely feel that i am reason enough to remember my name.

7)"Wicked and Weird" by Buck 65: a strange song that appeals to my weird streak. has some good lyrics, good beat, and is different enough to add to my collection.

8)"Eye of Horus" by Here Come the Mummies: like the phrase "Lurking in the shadows /occupy your nightmares and your dreams/ i'm your fantasy, reality/ everything in between/Omnipotent watcher in all directions/up, down, left, and right/ I'm everywhere/ i'm the Eye of Horus tonight". a feel good undead funk song that gets the blood going. a little sexy innuendo in the song too never hurts.

9)"Are you Happy now? by Michelle Branch: a reminder that not everything we want tends to turn out the way we plan. a fair warning, and one to be heeded.

10)"So Long" By Everlast: i'm still debating why i put this song in the list. don't get me wrong i like it, it's one of my fives, but i think it again acts as a warning not to tread that dark path that we could go down at any time we want. basically take the high road and steer clear of those that have decided to take the low road.

11)"Then The Morning Comes" By Smash Mouth: a good song about being yourself. kind of a party song, but also acts as a confirmation that i've got my stuff together, and when that happens that is a beautiful thing.

12 and 13)"Millenium" and "No Regrets" by Robbie Williams: this tandem team of songs have been a steady favorite of mine since 1998. the two are just plain old good songs, and they tell the tale that sometimes life does things to us, and our own worth is dependent how we deal with the crap that life throws at us. (or something like that)

14) "The Becoming" by Nine Inch Nails: i had to put a NIN song in, because they are still my favorite band. this song tells me that sometimes you just aren't in control, and there is nothing you can do about it. kind of a crappy moral to the story, but that's the breaks sometimes.

15)"Hello Zepp (Theme from SAW)" by Charlie Clouser: a former live band alum from NIN, Clouser is a phenomenal movie score composer. this song is here because i love horror flicks, and it does get the blood pumping a bit.

15)"You Raise Me Up" by Josh Grobin: if there ever was a life affirming piece, this would be it. i don't care much for the artist on this one, but at least he got this song right.

16) "The Last Day On Earth (Live Acoustic Version)" By Marilyn Manson: Fantastic Version of this song. nothing more, nothing less.

17)"Do I Make You Proud" by Taylor Hicks: An American Idol winner, who really hasn't done much, but this song is great. it all boils down to the fact that we do want people to be proud of what we do, and that would absolutely put a smile on my face for sure.

that's what i have for now. Peace!


06/10/2011 The Porn-o-net


It amazed me just how much porn is out there on the internet.

now, were not just talking about the various sites, or even the genres of pornography, we're talking about sheer volume of porn, and how easy it is to obtain with various technologies.

i can see how easy it could be for someone to really lose themselves in life and become addicted to porn and the internet. hell, i'm sure people have lost their jobs because they've flat out refused to go to work because they've been at home jacked in and...well you can finish the rest. personal problems as well as relationship problems could easily stem from such abuse.

now i'm a guy, and i can admit that i like porn, and the only thing that better than free porn. and there is a lot of it, and a lot of sites to get it by various means. and you never have to leave your house.

think about it this way.

you have your base sites. most of the studios have their own sites and stores. lets use "playhouse" as an example (good fictitious name). so say they have their own site. for that site alone, we can say there are at least 10 sites that take those videos and pictures to other hosting and tube sites for the masses. with a little tech savvy and a few searches, those pictures and videos can be brought into your home.

i read an article recently on the web, and it is estimated that 4.2 million websites are pornographic in nature. in other words, that is 12% of the overall internet. on top of that, almost 25% of all searches are pornographic in nature. no wonder we never get anything done in this world.

i would suggest reading this. kind of opens your mind about what's really going on.


well, off to view porn. lol


06/10/2011 My Thoughts Betray Me

day 382...

The dreams have been acting up again, for several weeks now. i have had dreams about several friends who have come and gone in my life, an old amusement park by the river, and some qualities that i have when the need calls for it (mostly involving proper use of writing and language). i just think that it's really funny that stuff that i refuse to think about and give it the time of day tend to pop up in my dreams so that i do give some consideration to them.

so now, again, i have to reflect on what the hell is going on in my life and with me on a personal level. figures. i just manages to get some time for writing and the like, and now i'm screwed up in the head again. LOL

more to come today, need to catch up in a bit.


Monday, June 6, 2011

06/06/2011 Shadows of the Past

day 378...

Today I had to take my youngest to the Doctor's office at Toledo Hospital. All is well.

Before heading home today, i took a side road a decided to visit a nearby neighborhood where i grew up from birth to about 7th grade. it was one of those spur of the moment things, and i wanted to see how the old neighborhood was after all these years.

the first stop was to the school and church that i knew as St Jude. it was a small catholic school that i was enrolled in for first grade and my parents and i were long time parishioners of before switching to St Patrick of Heatherdowns. despite a few paint jobs here and there, the building itself hadn't changed in nearly thirty years. now it was an academy/church. i think i was enrolled there in 84.

anyway, a lot of memories surged back in those brief moments. i remember the large hall in the basement that occasionally we used for a gym or a cafeteria. i remember the school day that was designated "Michael Jackson Day" where everybody in the school dressed up like him, stayed outside all day, and did "break-dancing" (which now that i think about it, i think that was a waste of a day, buy hindsight is 20/20 now). i also looked around a bit and saw how my perception of things as a child had now changed as an adult. it seemed a bit odd at the moment, almost surreal, but it was still familiar to me.

i retraced the road route that our old bus used to take to school, working my way back to the neighborhood of my youth. i'm surprised i still remember it after all these years. the roads looked the same, though a few of the houses looked different. obviously time and scale change things a bit.

i crossed Richards road and drove into the neighborhood complex where my old house used to be. i drove slowly, as my mind began to overlap memories with what i was seeing in real time; The old Marsh's house, home to a child that i knew from first grade, though he was a full year older than me, no longer the cream color and brown that i had known the house to be. the place looked dead, a large dumpster filled the driveway.

i made a left turn down a long road, which didn't seem so long now since i'm fully grown. I thought back to those crisp October nights. Halloween, leaves on the ground, a chill in the air. those feelings and thoughts swept over me as I inched closer to my street. i noticed that the old woods and the empty yard were still there after all these years, almost untouched my time. i smiled a bit, made the soft turn and slowly turned onto the street of my youth.

i narrated a bit to my children as i inched down the road, giving the children a retelling of who lived where, and what the places used to look like. it sounds cliche, i know, but the past and the present perfectly overlapped for those moments. i told them of the Krells, The Brassfields, whose son stole money from me one time, and forced him into exile from my house. more names came to me; the Caukins, the O'sheas, The Binders, The Wests...

i slowed to almost a complete stop in front of one house...

Two large trees near the road acted as a canopy in front of the home...trees that had been planted as saplings by my father about 5 years before we moved. the other trees that has lived closer to the house had been removed long ago, but after we moved. i saw my first home again. the house was still it's grayish blue color, the windows still outlined by black wood. the old script numbers still above the garage proudly. i inched a bit forward to see a bit of the backyard. the fence was still there, but the trees weren't. kind of a shame. though i did catch a glimpse of one of the old clothesline posts that my mother used to use religiously during the good weather.

i drove down the street, and more houses that i knew from my childhood. the Harrisons and Naumanns, The Prusses and Dilbones. I remember the Brubakkers and the house next to theirs that we inadvertently broke a window with a nerf football. heck, i even remember the house a few more down the road. the name escapes me, but i know that there was a kid with a single mom, and the mom had a nice body on her, for sure. definitely a MILF by today's standards :}

so i drove back to more familiar roads. roads that don't call to me as much as the street of my childhood. i felt a little sad, a little regret from time lost and forgotten. was life so much easier then? i don't know. It's hard to say. but, i won't forget my childhood, nor will i forget that old house on Kingswood Trail.