Mental Access to MTKuszek

Mental Access to MTKuszek
A Window of Opportunity

Sunday, October 16, 2011

10/16/2011 Stuck in a Funk

day 510

"But in the cosmos there is balm as well as bitterness, and that balm is nepenthe."

-- H.P. Lovecraft "The Outsider"

an absolute emptiness has fallen upon me. i still haven't grieved over the loss of my job. i've kept it hidden inside me, but it lurks there, and its messing me up big time.

all writing projects hae come screeching to a halt, including those that i have to work on for publication. i over-analyze my own talents, and question every word i write. there is no joy in anything i produce. other projects i used to work on with fervor are now mundane and shoddy in my eyes.

i find it hard to leave the house for anything anymore. though i had plans for this past weekend, both fell through. one unfortunately was because my wife was sick, and it was better to tend to her than leave her alone. the good in my heart is still there. the next day, Saturday, a day that usually was a day of great joy to me, was nothing more than another 24 period of existence. i could have done some fun things, yet nothing appealed to me, i was bored, and refused to be proactive in my pursuits because "nothing sounded good to me"

this is bullshit. this is not me.

those that know me personally know that i am a quiet and reserved person. i try not to rock the boat, stay in line, and just deal with whatever comes my way. i do better when my mind spills out on a page rather than a one on one social situation. now i have to rely on my social skills to get me through the day. that's very hard for me.

i'm a happy person, trying to see the good in things, and that part of me has been poisoned. the more turmoil i see on TV and in the town that i live in, the more that poison seeps into my veins. it's choking my good nature. i'm now one of the countless herd that has to fight to survive. that's pisses me off greatly.

not it seems that i am in a classic "man vs self" battle, and i have to play dirty to win. this is more of a challenge that i thought it would be.

i feel a bit better now. maybe i should take it slow, and do a little each day. prioritize some of the things that i need to do, and move on.

here goes nothing... time to sucker-punch sorrow.



  1. Sounds to me like you are suffering from some depression. Only natural given your situation of late. The most important thing about dealing with depression is to push yourself to do things, even if they bring no joy and most importantly get out of the house. Interact with friends or family. Those that love you will understand and help you through the funk and you will feel better.
    Under no circumstances do you stay home, or in bed, and do nothing. Of course it's easier to do that..specially when you feel no drive or determination to accomplish anything. However, that will only make you feel more depressed.
    Trust me on this. I've been there, more than once. In recent years I'm better..but my friend, I have been there.

  2. thanks. actually since doing this post, i've been able to accomplish some things around the house. i've also set myself to be at a few social functions coming up in the next few weeks, and that will help. i do need to do more with friends for sure. less vice...more nice...

    either way, i have to deal with it, and hang on to any motivation or momentum i get working to my advantage. thanks for reading :)