Mental Access to MTKuszek

Mental Access to MTKuszek
A Window of Opportunity

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

11/30/2011 Long Overdue

day 556

ooh, how i have neglected you, the valued reader, from the new ongoings of my life. so many things have happened in the last nine days that i need to re-cap.

first off, i finally saw a doctor yesterday about my high blood pressure, and yes, i am on a HBP drug, low dosage, to try. some lifestyle changes are occurring for sure, and step one is getting back on the exercise wagon. this will help with my stress level.

two, i have started my new job with a automotive company in Bowling Green. the first three days were really hard, and unfortunately i was ready to throw in the towel by the middle of the second day. i was at the moment of decision, to stay or go, and i chose to stay. the job is unlike anything i've ever done in the past, and a lot of times i am terrified about what i need to do. the more i do it though, the less i am scare of it. still now some of the things make my heart race with anxiety.

the learning process has been "swim or sink" "fly or die" "feed you to the sharks" kind of stuff. forcing evolution of the learning process in extreme conditions. i have been told (when i've asked) that i've doing good, but i know i need to improve in some places for sure. i'm learning the layout and where things go. and i know it takes time. hell. it's only bee five days of work so far. i can't be expected to know everything. there are no limits to what i can do, but i don't know what boundaries i have in my work; what should i do first? what takes precedence over what? where does this go?

so much to learn, but i'm willing to learn if they are willing to teach me.

in other news, i have started branching out and have begun working on some new projects for our "plastic guys" side business. some of the things are really neat, at least in my eyes, and i want to share them with the world. some things will be ready for sale soon. i'll have more details to come soon. time to spread the wings and really see how far i can fly, if i can fly at all.

that's all for now, but i promise i'll be back soon. peace.


Monday, November 21, 2011

11/21/11 The light at the end of the tunnel...has retards in it

day 547

so today was my first day at work, and it was an interesting experience. to have a full time job after nothing is really nice, bu there is a lot of stressful moments that i have to make commonplace and overcome my fear of such issues.

today, i went to a physical (i'll get to why in a little bit) at 2:15 just before me scheduled time of 300 at the plant. i get there, do everything, but my blood pressure is high (i can say because of jitters) but they let me chill and tried again later, and again it was higher than last time. they did it again a little later, now after my allotted time to start at the plant, and again it was high.

F THIS! i'm nervous, ok?

so i got to get checked out again soon, but i've been offered an official position at vehtek, allowing me 90 days to let it ride to get an official position at the [plant.; i'm excited, and i want to do well, just have to learn the ropes, and calm the F down.

peace people,

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

11-09-11 a 96 hour Roller Coaster

day 534

the past four days, i have experienced the highs and lows of my life.

Saturday was a fantastic day. i spent time with my wife to pick out her new glasses, then supported the fort with a great Clash of the Kaiju game. still feeling strong, i chose to go out to my friend's house in Moline/Walbridge and pent the evening over there. they had missed me, and it felt great to be back. can't wait to go back this weekend.

Sunday, still riding high on the Mojo the night before, i was ready to tackle the world. i completed my mupermarket run in record time, and was starting to think about going into business myself, possibly some sort of party organizer/ event specialist.
Rachel had even found a few job listing in the blade for me. things were good...

...until my mother in law called

my mom in law is a good person, and i usually have no issue with her. however, she has been riding our asses about finding insurance for the kids, and is frankly adding additional stress on an already stressful situation. she was in one of her moods in which she wanted to sound off about her opinion and was really listening to the explanations we were giving her. frankly, she made us mad, and sent into a bad depression spiral. the winds were out of my sails; her words had shredded them to bits.

she called back later that day and left an apology on the answering machine. we haven't physically talked to her since.

monday, i spent time on the computer, sending off a resume to one possible employer, the other was an online app to BX Solutions, my former employer 2.0. i have not been thrilled about the idea of going back to my former workplace, regardless how much its changed. i closed that chapter in my life when BAX closed. i need to move on.

a few hours later, i receive an email from Manpower (the service that BX Solutions uses) and was informed that i had a VERY IMPRESSIVE resume(of course i should) and wanted to talk to me in person. great.

i waited for my wife to come home, a little pissed about the whole affair. my mother in law was never happy about my old job in the first place, had pointed out this specific ad in the paper, and if she found out that i was re-hired by BAX 2.O she wouldn't be satisfied. just the way she is, right? with some bitterness in my voice that reflected my dad's own voice, i told her about the opportunity, that i wasn't happy about this whole affair, but i would go back, but probably wouldn't see the family for a locked down five month period. she replied with a simple "Fine".

we didn't talk much at dinner, frankly. i was spent. i was crabby. i was back in the depression hole and back at square one. additionally, my wife was taking the day off the following day so that i could go down to the family services building and see if i could apply for medicaid. (again another attempt to get the mom-in-law to shut up)

until a phone call at 7pm monday night.

my first emailed resume called me. they wanted to see me right away. she couldn't give information about the job yet, but they (EXPRESS employment) wanted me to come in and give an interview. i roughly worked out a 2pm interview.

two hits on two employment opportunities? in the same day? i've had nothing to this point. i went to bed with a little excitement and a little nervousness.

my following day (tuesday) started too early, my youngest getting us up a 5am. i took a nap on the couch inadvertently, so i ended up being behind an hour.

i get down to monroe and bancroft, to the welfare offices, dressed down a bit to "blend in". i tried to be polite and courteous, asking simple questions, and trying to follow the directions for the 14 page app. i finished it, tried to avoid eye contact with everyone, and sat there. again the depression sat in. why was i down here? and why is it that everything breaks down when the support system is gone?

i got in, talked to the worker a little bit, and set up an interview with the caseworker, where i have to go in with every single shred of information that i can, just so that i can be told that "no, we can't cover you". this is the end result that i know we're going to get. it's just the way it is.

so, i get home, sickened by this whole ordeal, and i try to relax and have some time with the family before my interview. i get some good video game time with my girls, then get dressed in a much nicer fashion and head out to the head hunter service.

i fill out a basic application, do a skills evaluation, then hit the interview. the questions were really tough. usually you get a few through out interview, but this set of questions were very thought provoking. i was a truthful as i can be, adding in as many notable similar situations as examples to the questions. i got through it, then instantly i was asked if i can hang around for a second interview. sure, i said, i'm not doing much of anything today.

round two started with another batch of paperwork, these looking more official and the start of the actual hiring process. the questions in round two interview were more of the same provocative nature. i answered truthfully, relying on my years of experiences to pull me through.

i was informed that she was going to take a look at everything, then let me know if the actual clients would want to interview me. she would call me before the end of business that day.

i politely smiled, bid my farewell, then headed home. within the first half hour, i received word that they wanted an interview at the plant. i scheduled one for friday.

this might be the opportunity that i've been looking for. i feel so close, but i'm trying not to get my hopes up. i have to stay cool headed about this.



Wednesday, November 2, 2011

11/02/2011 Perspectives Shattered in Twenty Minutes

Day 527

i worked some of my second draft today, adding some new parts and refining others. not a bad start.

yesterday, i was doing the same thing for a while, and i was listening to my "Little Shop of Horrors original movie sountrack" just for some background noise. as this went on, i listened to the whole soundtrack, and realized that the last song didn't appear in the movie. it was a song called "Don't feed the plants."

Hmm, odd.

i had thought of an idea for a Dread game (my favorite horror game, and something i've talked about here before). thought it might work. so today, i watched the old black and white movie (which i had never seen) and thought it was cool. then i watched the 1986 musical movie, featuring Rick Moranis and Steve Martin. this one i had seen in the movie theaters years ago, and still loved it.

this got my mind working, because i had always wondered how they made the Audrey II plant. so i go online to look for some info.

i did not find what i was looking for. instead i found something a little more shocking to me.

apparently there is an original ending to the 1986 musical. one that is shot in black in white, unrefined, and reflects the end of how the actual stage musical ends (which i have never seen).


so the end picks up when Audrey II tries to digest the woman Audrey. Seymour comes in, rescues the woman, and they both escape. however, Audrey's wounds are severe, and she sings a sorrowful reprise to her "Somewhere That's Green" number. she dies in Seymour's arms.

there are a few minutes of Seymour carrying Audrey's body into the flower shop. he slowly puts the body into the gaping maw of Audrey II, and slowly disappears down the gullet of the flower. The woman's hand is the last thing that is seen before she disappears.

Seymour, stricken with grief climbs up to the nearest building and prepares to fling himself off the roof, when a man from a scientific firm comes to him with an offer. he has a small Audrey II in his hands, a clone that his firm has made from leaf clippings. he says that they can be rich beyond measure, but Seymour refuses, seeing the giant plant's plans.

he races into the flower shop, confronts the plant, and a fight breaks out. the plant collapses the flower shop, but Seymour survives. as he pulls himself out of the wreckage, he is bound by the plant's large vines, pulled to the giant maw, and devoured. the plant burps loudly and slits out the broken glasses of our fallen hero.

then the song that appears on my CD begins to play, accompanied by a four minute montage of giant plants tearing apart cities like Cleveland, Des Moines, and Peoria. this whole scene ends with what i assume to be Audrey II on top of the Statue of Liberty, her vines wrapped snugly around Lady Liberty's head. this is followed by a "THE END!?" slide.

first off, that's a really dark way to end a musical, but more importantly, HOW IN THE HELL DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS? really? this is the way this show actually ends? where the hell have i been the past 25 goddamn years? how is it that i never even heard a tiny iota about a possibility of this as the ending. if i knew this was then ending, i would've been to just about any high school's production of this show, musical or not.

my entire perspective is shot on this movie. now i know it not a happy ending. christ i feel like Phoebe on Friends where she finds out that they kill the dog at the end of Old Yeller. and for that, i'm sorry if i just ruined someone else's perspective.

anyway, i'm going to push forward. this just reminds me that i need to keep questioning everything.

See ya,


Tuesday, November 1, 2011

11/01/11 Potpourri of Pissed Off

Day 526

The tide has turned, not necessarily for the worst, but not for the best either.

i find myself in a constant state of flux, between the things that i need to do, and the things that i want to do. now, this is nothing new to me, or to any of us for that matter. it seems to be a human trait that can't be suppressed. i'm starting to think it's some sort of survival mechanism. forget the conscious, more like just a bunch of chemicals interacting to get $#!+ done.

now, here's the twist to all of this: i have an opportunity to reinvent myself here. to trail-blaze and cut myself out a new niche of success. the other option; i can join a newly formed company that is exactly the same operation that i did at Bax Global, for significantly less pay. i worry about this possibility being similar to another shutdown/startup fiasco as it was with the Ford/Maumee stamping plant. so to me, this is a threshold i'm not really ready to cross, at least not yet.

i'm thinking about the possibilities about starting up something for myself, perhaps some sort of party service. it's just a thought, but it's one of those that doesn't seem to go away. it would pay the bills, and some good money could be made in a relatively short time. plus it would be something i would enjoy doing. but then again, i'd probably be breaking even. but it is an interesting and enticing possibility.

oh, how the yin and yang pull at each other. i hope sometime soon i can get to the conclusion of this turmoil. i need time alone to think. then again, some feedback would be appreciated too. heh, i can't even make my mind up about that too.

peace friends.