Mental Access to MTKuszek

Mental Access to MTKuszek
A Window of Opportunity

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

12/29/2010 a severe case of awesome.

the 222nd day...

I've had a very good Christmas holiday thus far, which wraps up with my parents tonight, and i am looking forward to a slightly more relaxed weekend. i intend on purchasing a net-book or laptop before the weekend, the first time owning one for myself, and enjoying the company of some friends who i haven't seen in some time.

hope this finds you all well,


Friday, December 24, 2010

12/24/2010 Christmas Eve Wishes

it's the best night of the year, and i hope yours is just as good as mine. i wish you the best in holiday wishes, and i miss all of you. see you all soon.

peace on earth,

Sunday, December 19, 2010

12/19/2010 Netflixin'

the 212th day...

A few months ago I started up a Netflix account, and I have the instant streaming feature for several of the devices in the house. I’ve bben using it a lot lately, having little time for everything else, and I have to say it is both enriching and destructive.

Allow me to explain.

There are several films that I have seen in my lifetime that I have already seen and didn’t understand in my youth, some that I have heard about and never seen, and some that are train wrecks that I just need to see for myself. Having said that, here are the movies that I have watched, in order, for the past two months.

From Beyond: a lovecraft movie that I began watching on Chill, then watched completely on netflix. Interesting plot devices, but you can tell when they had to start relying on nudity and gore when the plot became too weak.

Harvie Crumpet: claymation film about a man’s calamity stricken life, and proves that life is what you make of it.

Wrestlemaniac: a film starring Rey Mysterio Sr, and one of the girls who holds a case on Deal or No Deal. Story about a demented luchador freak/ military project. It would’ve been nice if the characters were likeable enough to root for their survival. You know it’s a bad movie when the first line of the movie is Dirty Sanchez related. (yeesh)

1984 [nineteen eighty four]: a adaptation of george orwell’s novel, and one that I remember seeing bits and pieces in my youth. Not a bad movie, I guess, but the book was better, I guess. Interesting visuals. I should add this and watch “Brazil” back to back to in case I need reference to utilitarian existences.

Equus: I had heard about this movie, told to stay away from it, and yet I watched it. The psychological profile of a boy whose concept of spirituality and sexuality become twisted and intertwined with a “horse god” he himself fashioned, then blinds the horses for his own “sins” I wonder now about the Richard Griffiths/ Daniel Radcliffe stage version.

Suspiria: I just started watching this movie, heard it was a cult classic horror film, and apparently there are a few questions and answers in the board game “Goth” about this film, so I’m inclined to watch. Surreal visuals add to this horror thriller. I’ll have to see how this one ends.

A friend told me about this movie called “Human Centipede” and again told me how bad it was. Guess what movie I’m watching next…


Tuesday, December 14, 2010

12/14/2010 Decisions

the 208th day...

I'm really starting to question some of the choices i have made, and wondering if its time to move on.

work has become this abomination, filled with miscues, communication snafus and overall dysfunction. add to that gratuitous levels of Amazonian drama and you have a wonderful $#!+ souffle.

is this really worth the extra money in my wallet. is this level of abuse and general malaise really the key to financial security?


Sunday, December 5, 2010

12/05/10 Chimney Intruder Song

the 199th day...

so there is this bed intruder song(search auto-tune the news and antone dobson)floating around the internet, and last night at work i came up with a Christmas version of the song in my head.

He's climbin' down yo' chimney
pullin' yo' presents out
stuffin' stockings so you need to find your kids
find your wife,
find your kids,
find your wife,
find your kids,
find your wife,
and find your husbands cause there's presents for everyone up in here...

if your bad there's no need to tell
he already knows
he gonna find you
he gonna find you
and cross you off his good list
off his good list
off his good list
ho ho
ho ho ho ho

you're on the naughty list, ain't gettin no presents and all
you're gettin' coal
you are gettin' coal, for real...


Friday, December 3, 2010

12/3/10 Holiday Ratio

the 197th day...

i am amazed about the holidays, and how the more you get your Christmas shopping done, the more you begin to get in the Christmas spirit. it's kinds sad that the two are inexplicably intertwined, but it does feel like a weight has been lifted. i think I'm about 2/3rds done with the shopping aspect, and I've bought some bad as gifts, so i hope people like them.

this year was the first year that i actually participated in cyber shopping week. i find this a bit easier, but there is an inherent danger to this. I've bought my daughter a bunch of Godzilla stuff, things that are difficult to find in stores, so now I'm dreading any email stating that they don't have those items in stock. just an unacceptable feeling of impending dread.

last night i put on the radio to the local station that play Christmas music, and found myself enjoying it. again, possibly a result of the burden of buying being slightly lifted.

hmm, maybe i should start in September next year so that by October I'm in the mood for Christmas. LOL

peace to all


Monday, November 29, 2010

11/29/10 not feeling too hot...

the 193rd day...

been ill the past few days. i thought i got over it and was free and clear, but i've been sidelined with one of my lack of caffeine headaches. nausea and a slight migraine kill me, but i know life is going to get harder from here on out. holidays and work are going to add to the stress levels and i know time is going to dwindle as fast as it can.

i'm so not ready for this.


Monday, November 22, 2010

11/22/10 Mental Thought

the 186th day...

it is absolutely frightening what my mind comes up with when i get creative. it seems like its not even me, but rather I'm asking another person about something, and they throw an idea back at me, and we have a conversation about the idea and collaborate on a finalized idea. it's just plain freakish.


Tuesday, November 16, 2010

11/16/2010 Gamer Vision Math

the 181st day...

Some Vid-Gamer geek math for you: i currently have 76 PS3 discs in my possession, out of those, 28 are the ones that I'm currently playing, have intent to replay, going to play soon, or other family members are playing. that's 37% of my overall library , which mean that the other 48 games (63%) have been beaten, completed, used for all they're worth and are hanging around for people to borrow or to replay if the nostalgia hits me. to call me a consumer is one thing, to call me a devourer of software is more fitting. here's to console software season kicking off today!!!

sad part is, I've already added to this number for Christmas, and about five more are going to follow soon.


Tuesday, November 9, 2010

11/09/10 Disturbed Dreams Still Haunt Me

the 181st day...

last night, i had a dream about being led to the gallows for my execution. my family and friends were there, thankfully not my children, and it was in a small church that looked colonial in nature. there was a small church service, denoting my last hour of life. i remember it vividly, and the moment i woke up was when i realized my children would miss me, even though i felt no fear of my inevitable hanging itself.

i woke up from the dream, fighting through the veil of sleep with my heart pounding, and realized it was just a dream. still, being confronted with one's mortality, whether real or imagined, is a very sobering experience.

perhaps it is time to do some things that i've be putting off for a few years now.

see you soon


Thursday, November 4, 2010

11/04/10 never enough time...

the 176th day

a little frustrated with the way thing are going with work, and I'm really hoping my outlook on life isn't changing because I'm around the wrong people all the time or that my age is turning into a cranky old man.

but i will persevere. it's what I'm good at.

next few weeks are going to be key to getting myself back to some normalcy, and i hope i can spend some quality time with some people that i haven;t seen in forever. at least I'm in good health (knock on wood).

see you all soon.


Sunday, October 24, 2010

10/24/10 Conversation with my Mind

the 165th day...

normally, i fancy myself as a really creative guy, and often i can't stop my mind from thinking when i need something for a convention or friends or any other thing where i need something creative.

this past week, after my last convention for the season, i sent my mind on vacation, not needing to be creative at the moment. my mind, however has chosen to be a bit vocal during this process, and i share with you the conversations i have had with it.

in no part does this mean i'm schizophrenic.

Mind: Hey, you know that BashCon is coming up in February. I heard that there are several people that are trying to get this Con up to better standards. heck, that Ohio Kimono lady was promoting the crap out of it.

MK: i know what your trying to do, it won't work. i want two weeks of no creativity. i think about events later.

Mind: your friends will be there. that means Qags and Clash of the Kaiju... Did you see those card boxes that Brian made? Nice, But we cam make our own. here's what i'm thinking...

MK: Hey! Go back to your vacation! no thinky thinky.

Mind: you know that GenCon is coming up...

MK: yeah, next August!!! Get back to the beach and drink your omega-3 enriched smoothies!!

Mind: Just saying that there are some people who want you there. you have to leave your mark on that con too. you can be truly epic in your events. I've got something brewing over here, it's going to be completely bananas. plus you can be a part of the Qags invitational.

MK: Chill! no need to be premature about things!

Mind: i know you have notes for a game up in your closet, i've seen them. just pull them down. it's you next Dread event. you don't even have to think too much. it's almost done you know...

MK: My God, you're really trying to get me to do another project again aren't you? the wife will get mad.

Mind: three words: Somali Pirate Game. Here's another for Kaiju: ZomZilla

Mk: Your completely sick, you know that? look, today i'm going to the pumpkin patch with the family. we're going to get a few pumpkins. if you don't shut up, i'm just going to put a smiley face on my pumpkin and nothing else. nothing elaborate, and i know it'll kill you not to be creative.

Mind: ...

MK: Well?

Mind: ...I'll be good...


Friday, October 22, 2010

10/22/10 reflections on CotC

the 163rd day...

i've been attending this convention in Hudson, Ohio that happens around the middle of October called Con on the Cob for the past two years. it ends my yearly convention schedule, and i have to say it's becoming one of my most favorite cons of the year.

this year i had three events lined up to run; a game for Dread called "I've got a Bloodstained Ticket", our awesome Clash of the Kaiju tabletop monster game, and my signature game Qags-in-a-Bag.

the first game to kick off the con was my Dread game, and was really the one i was most concerned about. i spent weeks working on the particulars of this scenario, and overall i thought the game went well, but could be better. about a 7 out of 10, but it'll get better with repeated runs.

Clash was our Saturday game, and after requesting a high traffic area, we had our table full. it was probably the most success with drawing players in, and with us handing out t-shirts people ate it up.

sunday, though pressed for time, i ran my qags in a bag game. again i pride myself on having no duplicates after three years of games. did a high epic fantasy game, which again was weird and lacking in combat. i need to be more formulaic in my efforts this coming year.

so after a job well done, i put my mind on the shelf, giving it a week of at least to rest and not be creative. it's been nice, but occasionally there is a twinge of creativity that goes on that i have to stop and tell my brain to chill and relax.

more to come soon.


Wednesday, October 13, 2010

10/13/10 I'm on the right track...

The 154th day...

i have been spending most of my waking day letting my mind bounce through idea and scenario in an effort to finish probably some of the best writing i've done in a long time. i guess when you have an idea stuck in your head for years, every concept and theory for that specific idea pours out like water.

last night, i officially got to the halfway point of the writing, and i had thrown in an antagonist from the beginning that was supposed to be evil and slightly disturbing, with that tension building as the story progressed. last night, after putting down the pen, i sat there, looked at the words in front of me, and stated aloud:

"Damn, this guy's a dick!"

i'm on the right track for sure now.

see you soon


Monday, October 11, 2010

10/11/10 procrastination

the 152nd day

i have a list of crap to do before Friday, when i leave for Con on the Cob with some friends and run my first game on that night. i am so looking forward to this convention, giving me a much needed break from working weekends, but i have so much to do before then. luckily, yesterday was very productive, but i am still working on notes for my first event on Friday. it is mentally draining to be this creative and organized. just have to get through it i guess.

should go back to it instead of blogging. off i go.


Monday, October 4, 2010

10/04/10 breaking the silence...again

the 145th day...

its been 15 days since my last post, and i'm not real happy about it. just haven't had the time as life has caught up to me in a bad way. yesterday sucked for several reasons, most of then unexpected projects such as a clogged drain that i attacked for an hour and a half with no results. i was blindsided at every point in which i had the possibility of time to do what i need to do for the weekend following next (CotC if you know what that is) and i feel the time running out.

so now the plans stands at this for the remainder of the day, at least until it changes, which it probably will.

i'm going to finish this food that i'm eating as i type this (leftover lasagna if you must know)

then, i'm going to attack the kitchen and finish the dishes that i couldn't do last night because of the clogged sink.

then, hopefully i will have a clear enough mind to relax a bit and get a few more notes done for my CotC trip coming up soon. if my mind is still a bit wonky and stressed, i will have to jump on my game console to unwind a bit, but i'd rather not in this timeframe.

after that, kid comes home from school and we all get together for family time. which is probably the best part of the day. love my family thats for sure.

see you all soon.


Sunday, September 19, 2010

09/19/10 It be a Better Day, Ye See...

it be the 130th day...y'arrgh!

so i be thinkin' a bit of late; me noggin' filled with...things...

it be a better day, so long as i stay as true as the north star to meself, y'arrgh!

there won't be no scallywags to bring me down, no sir. they'll walk the plank if they feel so fool-hearty to tangle with this captain!

(Y' case ye be wonderin' if me lost me marbles, fear not, for it be INTERNATIONAL TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY!!!)


Cap'n MK the Swarthy

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

09/15/10 Frustrated and Angered Beyond Reason

the 126th day...

i'm done!

the past few days have been just a joke, specifically at my job, and now it finally crossed over into my personal life! i am seething with rage, and i seriously can't take it anymore. so now i'm getting hit with $hit on both sides and frankly i no longer care.

today my daughter, the oldest one missed the bus on account of her locker being stuck. now i understand this, but since i only have one vehicle at the moment, i had to call my dad. he became upset at the fact that he had to come get us to get the kid, and proceeded to berate me on the way to picking up my daughter. he reminded me of the bad mistakes i've made in my life and that i still need to mature.

so, after that bull$hit, i'm really happy that i'm the only male left in the kuszek family who could pass on the family name, cause frankly i'm real sure we have no right to exist on this planet as a bloodline anymore. we're too ill tempered, and we haven't learned from our mistakes.

i know my mom is ill, and has been so for a while now. i know my parents have done some great things for me in the past, and i have been thankful. i doubt i'll be asking for any favors from them, even as simple as a ride to a nearby school, for a long time.

am i really this damaged? have i lived under the pretense that we were never dysfunctional but really were? christ, why do i feel like an eight year old again?


Tuesday, September 14, 2010

09/14/10 MK's new "i dont give a $#!+" meter

the 125th day...

last night at work my meter hit at least an eight on the i just don't give a $#!+ meter.

i think i'm getting sick of people in general and just don't want to deal with their difficulties in their lives. i already have too much on my plate right now and i am dealing with my own problems. the last thing i need is to have someone's crap on my plate as well.

long story short; i think it's time for a change for me.


Friday, September 10, 2010

09/10/10 letting off some steam

the 121st day

this weekend i get to head down south for one of the two scheduled vacation weekends since i've started to work new hours. i hope to have some great fum with some good friends and kick back a little. ready for some much needed time off, and hopefully the world slows down a bit. game on brothers and sisters.


Sunday, September 5, 2010

09/05/10 Really? At 3:00 am?

the 116th day...

so, i'm back from adjusting work schedules and other assorted time consuming activities. so far things have been going well, and it's started to pay off a bit. :)

so why am i not smiling?

its because my idiot next door neighbors like to throw parties at 3am on the weekends.
i can hear the music go on, and loud talking outside my window, if its open. in fact i think there was some yelling going on that woke my from my sleep.

this is not the first time they've done this, and i personally think it might be the daughter who is doing this, since i think the mother works at night.

i'm feeling like i wrote this before.

oh well. back the the grind


Tuesday, August 24, 2010

08/24/10 A New Life of Chaos

the 104th day...

my world feels like its been turned upside down...

my oldest daughter has begun middle school as of yesterday, so she's both nervous and excited to have a new school and learning experience.

both my wife and i have picked up more hours at our workplaces and we hardly see each other now. i really hope we can pull this off and get ahead financially from this. i also hope we can keep our family strong.

it's going to be a tough few months, but i really hope this works out well for the best.


Wednesday, August 18, 2010

08/18/10 fighting illness

a bug of some sort has been bouncing around the family for about two weeks now, and once we all get better, i'll be back trying to make up for lost time.


Tuesday, August 10, 2010

08/10/2010 Things I Learn at Work

the 90th day...

i've come to realize some things about life in general, and take them for what they're worth.

1)Men will go to great lengths to impress a female: one of our new hires decided it would be a great idea to do some push-ups after our usual stretches, almost directly at the feet of the only female in the training group. Hmm.

2)Living in a swamp sucks: last night it was both humid and foggy, you could taste the damp air and smell the vegetation everywhere. at work, i swear our facility was designed to amplify this effect.

3)Mr Monday pisses off everyone: saw a perfect example that i am not alone in the dislike of Mr. Monday, and that helps a lot. literally say two people walk away from him because he couldn't leave well enough alone for the um-teenth time.

i'm sure i'll learn more soon,


Friday, August 6, 2010

08/06/2010 Boiling Polish Blood

the 86th day...

last night my supervisor made a comment to me about my work and how i do a certain elective portion of my job not so well.

now i let the comment fester in me a little bit, much like an ember that turns into a wildfire, or the proverbial snowball that becomes the avalanche. my polish blood has never boiled so much in my life.

i'm not going to get too deep into this, because i respect my boss, and i know that they are going through some stuff in their personal lives, so i'm going to give them the pass on this one.


Tuesday, August 3, 2010

08/03/2010 Why I Hate the Mall

the 83rd Day

my family and i went to the mall yesterday because my oldest need some new clothes for school and she's growing like a weed.

there is a small playground area around the end of one of the anchor stores that is designated for small kids. there are rules posted at the entrance of the park, stating that you can be bigger that 42 inches tall and you have to be supervised by an adult. so i send my little 3 year old in, and she starts to have a good time.

however, that was short lived. a mom with four kids came in and dropped her kids so that she could "get her shop on". now i'm not going to comment much on anything about this mom and her kids other than they fit "a certain stereotype" and were being complete terrors. one of the kids was probably 11 years old, and the four kids began running around all crazy like and "near missing" the other children.

now, i really wanted to say something to these kids, but i didn't, probably because it wasn't my place to say anything. also my brain analyzed the situation and told me that if i was to say something stern to these kids, the mom would come back and play the racism card.

so i remained silent. the last thing i need is to have to deal with an unpleasant closed minded person.

it's good to know that i'm a good parent and actually discipline my kids to tell them what's good behavior and what is unacceptable. i wish all parents were this way.


Sunday, August 1, 2010

08/01/2010 Stubborn as Hell

the 81st day...

as many of you know, my mother was recently hospitalized with an atrial fibulation and spent an entire week in the hospital. as of this past Thursday my mother was released from the hospital.

Now, normally my mother takes my kids on the weekend; it's been something she's done since my oldest was born. she has always wanted a strong bond with my kids,and i have allowed her to do so without any problem.

this weekend, my wife and i had planned to keep the kids home, to let my mom recuperate at least a week, because kids are a handful and my mom doesn't need any extra stress. well, on friday my mom calls me and asks for the kids in the morning, i simply say "we'll see" and i let her know that i think she should take it easy. later that day, my mom calls me and tells me that she's coming from Michigan and is on her way over to pick up the kids. apparently my mom and dad had just returned from Windsor from a gambling day trip.

at this point, it was impossible to fright with them about getting the kids. Mom apparently didn't feel like taking it easy.

now i feel like a kid whose parents aren't listening to him. will i ever get red of this feeling like i'm under their thumb? crazy stubborn people.


Wednesday, July 28, 2010

07/28/2010 Stealing Air

The 77th day...

Today, i had to go fill up my front tire, since it has a slow leak somewhere along the valve stem. so i go to the nearest gas station, pay the 75 cents, then get down and fill up the tire with the compressor.

now, my head is down and i'm focused on what i'm doing, but once i'm done, there is a woman with this large car with her bumper a couple feet away from my door. now, i'm looking across my car, wondering why she's there. whatever. i put the hose away then get in my car and pull away.

as soon as i'm clear, she slides into the spot and gets out of her car and begins filling up the air that i just plunked down 75 cents for. now this is not the first time this has happened to me (one other time, female driver, same kinda impatience.)
but i find it real tacky that some people would do this.

so now, i intend to stand there until the pump shuts down before i leave.

someone tell me that i'm overreacting with this, or is this perfectly natural to feel this way?


Monday, July 26, 2010

07/26/ 2010 A Tough Weekend

the 75th day...

my mom has been in the hospital for a few days now, with ups and downs, all centered on her heart; the engine of the body. i've been trying to stay positive on this whole situation, but it's hard to do knowing that heart problems run in the family. i really hope things go well and she gets home soon. until then, i'm keeping a close eye on her heart as well as mine.

i'll keep you posted, and i'll keep posting.


Friday, July 23, 2010

07/23/2010 So Much To Do

the 72nd day...

one of my major weaknesses is that i lack the ability to plan ahead more than a few weeks at maximum, and i now find myself staring squarely into the months of September and October. moreover, i find myself staring at another convention in October that i fear i'll have to go by myself.

some of my dearest friends may not be able to go with me this year, so now, this week, i have to make plans under the assumption that they are completely unable to go. this will suck something fierce since i consider these people partners in crime, and going to a con without them is unimaginable.

so i have to make hotel reservations, budget, get transportation ready, submit both my registration and my events for the convention, and work on my items for the convention. i feel a little flustered, but also excited about the whole premise of having a superb convention experience.

yeah, i know i have a little than three months, but its never to early to start thinking about the future. time to get moving.


Wednesday, July 21, 2010

07/21/10 People are Going Crazy

the 70th day...

i find myself watching more current events and newscasts as i get older, and frankly the local news was me worried about my hometown.

i think earlier this week we had three shootings in the morning, one of them involving people opening fire on a police cruiser and cop. During that same newscast i heard about the possibility of an arsonist running rampant in the area. add on top of that animal cruelty and dogs getting shot.

has the heat made everyone a little crazy? i know that summer tends to have these types of crime trends, but i never remember it being this bad before.

these are the reasons i shake my head half the time. the other half i wonder if i'm the crazy one because of the overly reserved way i act. i don't get and i doubt that i ever will


Monday, July 19, 2010

07/19/10 Required Viewing

the 68th day...

back from doing some work on a dread game and after a busy and action packed weekend, i was able to actually indulge in watching a movie. after thinking about it, i remembered that in one of my high school classes we wrote a paper about what things we wanted to have if we were stuck on a deserted island. now mind you, this was way before the concepts of dvd's, mp3s, ultramodern home PCs, internet , and digital downloads. i don't remember full list back then, so I'll say now what five movies i love and couldn't live without if on said deserted island.

1) Wizards: an oddly animated movie about the war between technology and magic. i grew up on this movie, but never knew the name of it until the movie was recently released on dvd about 5 or 6 years ago. one of the few films that i can watch over and over again.

2) Cube: sci-fi/horror flick about a bunch of people trapped in a large cube that are booby-trapped in some areas. cheaply done, but it is amazing that the storyline can carry a movie in what is ultimately the same room for the entire movie's duration. definitely a cult classic.

3) The Crow: my action flick choice. phenomenal soundtrack, phenomenal movie. this was on the list in high school, and now its on this list.

4) The Warriors: a great action flick. too many great moments to ignore and not put on the list.

5) Death Race 2000: Though the remake was pretty good for what it was, it still was not the campy Corman original. besides, having Carridine and Stallone in the same flick, and some very campy moments make it an instant classic.

there ya go. have a great day all.


Thursday, July 15, 2010

07/15/10 Still Alive. Still Busy

the 64th day.

just wanted to check in and let you know that i am still alive and my mind is still at work on a few projects for the weekend. things are seemingly OK at the moment, which is odd, since i still feel slighted about the whole friend issue, but luckily, for every one friend i lose, it seems like i game two more. next weekend i intend on going to the 60's rock poster exhibit at the art museum next friday or saturday with some friends i've known since grade school. though we seem to do things once a month or less, thanks to social networking sites we can still keep in touch. thanks again technology.

I'm keeping my head up. You should be too.


Tuesday, July 13, 2010

07/13/10 Dread

the 62nd day

I'm currently putting together my most definitive horror game that i've done in years, thanks to the "Dread" game i picked up at Origins. I may be busy for the next few days as i hammer out more details, by my mind is busy as all hell, and i love it. see ya soon.


Monday, July 12, 2010

07/12/10 Family Bonding

the 61st day

i was able to take my family to a baseball game last night, and frankly it was fantastic. though the home team lost and there was a huge downpour, it didn't wash out my high spirits. it was definitely something i needed to take my mind off of some recent on-goings.

my family is awesome, and i love them all to death.


Sunday, July 11, 2010

07/11/10 a look back

the 60th day.

so far, including this post, i've written something on this site 43 out of 60 days. not bad, but i can do better for sure.

i really think i'm on the right track with this blog, especially sharing with you some of the deep things that have been affecting me the past week. i like to think this open forum is useful to vent some things out, and has helped me significantly in self-evaluation and maintenance. i don;t think i'm the same person that i was 60 days ago, and i'm going to keep doing this to further my development.

thanks for being here with me,


Saturday, July 10, 2010

07/10/10 F*** the Fairweather Friends.

the 59th day

I have no need in my life for people who are your friends when it is convenient for them and are gone without a proper goodbye.

i know that people grow apart and we all change and mature, but to have people throw away years of friendship (or at least what i perceived to be true friendship) sickens me to the point of furious anger.

if you're wondering why i'm on this rant, if you read my "farewell and a Final F** you" post a while back, that same individual is now on a social networking site that i am on as well, and my page keeps suggesting this person.

so now, i'm on the verge of cutting out the entire cancer in one fell swoop and eliminating the whole lot of my friends up north. for me, it's game over and i'm all out of quarters to call someone who cares. time to grow and evolve on my own.

why is it the words flow better when i'm all fired up. i hate to admit it, but i've got a drink by my side here as I ad lib this post, instead of typing it out before hand and posting it a little later. sorry about proper grammar, but i need to get this out.

the two parts of me are in constant conflict again. the be-nice programming says to "reach out", the other dark side says "put your F**king hand down, unless your flipping the bird"

i guess sometimes in order to be the better person, you have to turn your back and walk away...and so i do...

i really feel some pain on this one, let me know if you feel me. thank you readers, and to my true real friends, i'll see you all again real soon.


Thursday, July 8, 2010

07/08/10 A Torrent of Anger and Frustration

the 57th day

After typing yesterday's thread, it seems i have opened Pandora's box and let the emotions that i had about that whole situation wash over me again. i am still resentful of that whole situation and i think this might me a good thing for me to get this off my chest. i still feel that i'm growing with this therapeutic blog, and i think that my last two post have been an eye opener for me in my self evaluation.

so i continue to evolve, to grow, and move forward. thank you for being here on this journey with me.


Wednesday, July 7, 2010

07/07/10 Removed Myself From a Bad Situation

The 56th day.

Some of my friends over the years have been good friends, some have not, and sometimes it is from these same individuals that the most trying parts of your life are drawn. In fact, one nearly ruined my marriage.

I had friends in high school who were a few years behind me, but we all stayed in touch for those first sever or so years after high school. These certain individuals were a little strange but tolerable and interesting. So we were able to do things together and it was all right.

My one friend had found a girlfriend. Sometime in 1998 I think when the weather changed for the better. Not a big dead until I heard he met her at a supposed sex party. Red flags went off, but apparently my friend didn’t care. Ok, fine, whatever. Later in the summer, my friend needed advice from me about the fact that the girl didn’t want my friend to use protection during intimacy with her. Again huge red flags went off and I tild him about my concerns, but again it seemed he didn’t care.

My wife and I were married in mid 1998, and I had friends in the bridal party, including this one friend with the girlfriend. She was also in attendance. She was all right I guess, only having net her a few times, but my other friends said she was nuts.

That turned out to be a complete understatement.

As my wife and I were posing for portraits, she blurts out that she’s pregnant. I find this out on my wedding day. Super. Then they head off to the reception, whereupon they get into a large bickering match outside and bursts into tears (something she tends to do a lot). And we find out about it when we get to the reception, because they get referred to as the fighting couple, or that couple that was fighting outside. Great. Then before we leave for the night, the two of them asked if they could borrow our apartment, because they weren’t allowed at his parents house. My wife and I had an instance of perfect synchronicity as we both replied no. that ended our wonderful wedding day.

A few years passed, and inevitable these two got together and got married, and had their kid. Perhaps not in that order, but I digress. I came to realize just how screwed up this woman was as she befriended my wife. She had had abortions, two prior to my friend’s child, she had been abused by her father, she was needy, clingy , and overly emotional, prone to fits of anger and crying, and overall a frustrating person to be around. She would call my friend repeatedly when ever he was out, couldn’t be alone, and was house bound for over a year because she couldn’t handle the outside world.

She would constantly pester my wife to come over and be with her, and my wife reluctantly agreed most times. This began to stress our marriage, as I was now competing for her affection and time. Frankly, this woman that had taken my wife from me began to disgust me and I grew resentful of this fact.

But this was not the reason the marriage, my marriage, nearly ended…

Honestly, I wish I could tell you all there is to it, that there is a full and justified reason why I can’t tell you the whole story, but it is not my story to tell. I will keep those I love, and those I don’t, safe for the moment. That door shouldn’t be opened, at least not yet. There is too much pain here.

The only thing I can tell you was that my marriage was about to end with in the first four years, that it do not carry the blame for this, and that had it not been for the fact that I removed myself and my wife from the possibility of further occurrences and further damage to our marriage, I may have been a divorcee.

I am pleased to sat that these year, my wife and I will be celebrating 12 years of marriage, with no end in sight. She has become my rock and foundation, and I know that I am hers as well. We talk openly and freely about things, but rarely do we ever speak about what happened with our friends those first few years of marriage, even if jokingly.

It is hard to forgive, and damn near impossible to forget, but if you truly want something bad enough, and willing to make sacrifices, you can overcome anything. Believe that.


Tuesday, July 6, 2010

07/06/10 Drug Use

The 55th day

I’ve been dancing around this topic for a few weeks now, trying to be objective about this as mush as I can, but there is no real way to be tactful about it, if that is the best word to use, so I’ll dive right into the topic.

About a decade ago, on two different instances, I used drugs.

Now, thankfully, I never tried anything “harder” than marijuana, and I know that I never will just because of the inherent dangers of such drugs and their addiction levels. Frankly I don’t need those problems in my life, even more so now that I have kids of my own.

I remember being in my friend’s basement using a bong for the first time and just thinking to myself how ridiculous this was to try pot in the first place, let alone smoke it through this contraption. I also remember how much care my friend took with this glass piece since it was his favorite bong.

Now I was warned beforehand that I may not get high from my first use of pot, just because my body might not know how to process the THC in pot. But I did manage to get high. I remember how slowed down I felt, and how my spatial sense was really thrown for a loop. Things seemed so vast and wide to me. The most noticeable thing I remember is that my heartbeat became a metronome in my ears and felt like a twitch each time my heart beat.

Now I was supposed to stay up all night and party with my friends, but at about midnight I decided to go home. I drove back-roads back to my old apartment, and still to this day I really don’t know how I got home in one piece. It was scary as hell, because the road seemed so long and wide to me. Once I got home, I devoured everything in sight while I watched a rerun of a old WWF pay-per-view my friend lent me.

The second time I got high was a lot less memorable, just because I smoked pot and was pretty much useless the rest of the night. I just wanted to lay on the floor, and refused to do anything but to just lay there. That was also the same time I tried to eat “star cluster crunch” snacks by Little Debbie (basically, chocolate covered rice crispy treats) and then thought I would’ve been better off eating a bag of nails instead. Man those things hurt my mouth, just because my senses were more awake. For a day and a half, I was high, and that was the last time I did drugs because I didn’t like the fact that I wasn’t in control of how high I was and how long I was under the influence of the drug.

So now and forever, drugs are no longer a part of my life, nor do I have and inclination to do drugs ever again. I will say it was fun to try, just to experience it, but I refuse to end up in a situation where drugs get in the way of my life.

Some truth for you today


Sunday, July 4, 2010

07/04/10 Mr Monday Strikes Again

The 53rd day.

Happy July 4th!

Moving on, I’ve been working Saturdays for almost a year now, and that means I’ve added another day in the presence of Mr. Monday. Yesterday, I literally was at the breaking point with him.

Yesterday, he was building a pallet to go on a truck. A pallet is, for lack of a better term, a large cookie sheet on which you place items and then lock then to the floor with a restraint system. Now, to make it completely clear, I had absolutely nothing to do with the building or design of this specific instance. I was busy in different areas of my workspace. Anyway, Mr. Monday overbuilt the position; it was too tall by about an inch-and-a-half. Mr. Monday measured it and felt that it was good enough to get out the door and into the truck. Now the items on top were compressible enough to actually press down via the restraint system, so it would get out the door and into the truck. So, he put the restraint system on the pallet, tightened it, and sent it out.

A half-hour passes, and sure enough the pallet returns to the workplace, with the information that the pallet will not fit on the truck or fit back into the building; the freight had shifted in transport to the truck.

Now, my first inclination was to send out Mr. Monday to the position and to figure out how to get the position into the building in the first place, but honestly, I didn’t want him touching the position again in the first place. So I took over. I attempted to compress the freight further by using ratchet straps, but all attempts failed.

I spent the better portion of a half-hour out in the sun at the airport trying to get this oversized monstrosity into the building, but the only other workable option was to partially remove the restraint system and take off the pieces causing the trouble manually.

Which I did…

The more I looked at the pieces of freight on the top, the more infuriated I got with Mr. Monday, because he lacked significant judgment in his building skills. There were several items on the top of the pallet that easily could’ve avoided the height problem all together if he would’ve been a little more patient and waited for the next pallet to be built.

As I pulled off each piece, my co-workers came out to help, all except Mr. Monday. I told my co-workers that he should be the one who is out here pulling off the freight from this position, but knowing him, he would pout and then throw a fit, and then “take his ball and go home”. My co-workers then informed me that he was inside bad mouthing me, because he wondered where I was, and what I was doing, and why I wasn’t building the pallets.

Now, for those of you who know me, I’m a very passive person. Those who read my blog, refer back to my “Better Living Through Perpetual Conflict” post on 5/14. I generally don’t get angry.

This was an exception to that rule…

I angrily voiced my opinion of Mr. Monday, in so many terms and so many F-bombs, that I did not care for Mr. Monday and his antics, and that I was ready to give him a significant piece of my mind. I was enraged. My mind was on fire with all the possibilities of what I was going to say to him.

After the freight was removed and the pallet was brought back into the building, I hit that point where I was emotionally drained. The fuse has finished it’s short, quick burn. There were no more words to say. The anger left as quickly as it had arrived. I had nothing left to say.

I kept my distance from Mr. Monday for the rest of the day, luckily, I had other things to do, because I know I would’ve blown back up at him. And quite frankly, I don’t want to risk my job or well being for vengeance. He’s a miserable human being, and is not worth the effort.

As a joke , before I go off to work every Saturday, my wife tells me not to kill Mr. Monday. I’m not an aggressive person, but man, if I was to go full blown evil…the possibilities.


Friday, July 2, 2010

07/02/10 Another Disturbing Dream

the 51st day

My mind is a wonderful tool and I truly enjoy all the things that I can do with it and all its functionality, but sometimes, it just throws curveball at me when I least expect it.

As I have posted previously, I don’t really buy into the whole dream analysis psychology, but I do know that your mind puts truth into the dreams. It keeps you real, it reminds you who you are and how you perceive yourself.

My kids were able to leave for the day, and that gave me a rare opportunity to sleep and catch up on lost sleep time. I’m writing this as I’m waking up, so forgive me if I’m a little groggy, and yes I know it almost 5pm est.

I dreamt that I was a 12 year old boy who was visiting a friend ; a fellow boy who was a burn victim. As I left the hospital, I was abducted by two men, who both strangely resembled my real life friend Ajax. These two men tazed me twice to knock me out and place me on a plane. (yes you can insert your own “don’t taze me bro” jokes here) They informed once we got into the air that I was to part of their demonstration and a spokesperson for burn victims around the world…by being put in a suicide bomb vest and doomed to die.

Now, that’s not the part that bugs me. The real questionable part is this conversation I had with the co pilot. I remember this part vividly. I’ll split it up into dialogue as best I can:

MTK: I have a good chance of surviving this, right?
Man: ::turns to me and shakes his head::
MTK: really?
Man: when we get to our destination, I will be wearing the vest to protect us from police fire. We’ll drive to our demonstration point and then you’ll be put in the vest. It has a dead man trigger, pressure sensitive switch and timer. I assure you there will not be enough time to save you even if the bomb squad it there, and I assure you they’ll try to save you.
MTK: This is going to prevent me from playing Playstation when I get there then, right?
Man: ::sigh:: yes kid.
MTK: ::I smirk:: I don’t see it happening.
Man: what?
MTK: I don’t see myself dying today.
Man: it’s a mathematical certainty that the bomb will detonate while you’re wearing it. Your death is an inevitability.
MTK: I can’t see it. I’m sure the cops will get to me and save me.
Man: really? You can’t see the future ahead of you? No foresight? The fact that your life ends today?
MTK: nope. I’m lucky if I know what I’m having for dinner that night.

Again, I know it’s a dream, but I really think my mind thinks less of me. I know I lack foresight more often than not, but c’mon, when faced with my own inevitable death , am I going to be seriously bragging about my flaws like Jake from two and a half men? Am I more concerned about Playstation time than living or dying?

And why did the two abductors have to look like Ajax?


Thursday, July 1, 2010

07/01/10 Spare Change

The 50th day

Last weekend I was in Columbus with some friends and their kinds and their friends, a group of nine of us. We walked as a herd or a flock down the sidewalk, over a set of train tracks, over to the convention center where our event was taking place.

I saw a woman coming the other direction. I didn’t think nothing of it, but as soon as we were within earshot of each other, she asked me if I had any spare change. I quickly replied that I did not. She said god bless and was on her way.

One of my friends asked me why I was picked out of our group and asked for spare change. I replied because I have a kind face and a kind heart, and there is something about me as a person that seems kind. After all, I am a Mark.

This one fact has been my burden to bear for years, and no matter what I try to do, I can’t change this fact. I’ve often wondered if I have the word “sucker” written across my forehead, and it bugs me to no end that have things have to be this way.

So now, I’m weighing in on ideas to try and change this. Maybe I should be a complete @$$#ole for a full week and see what happens.


Wednesday, June 30, 2010

06/30/10 Tech Savvy

The 49th day

It impresses me to no end what a marvelous technological age we live in and how far we’ve come in the past 15+ years. When I was a young boy, I remember the advent of the vcr, and how no one knew how to program one of these things. I also remember 8-trachs, reel to reel players, and how my first Michael Jackson album was a lp record.

The age progressed rapidly in the late 80s and 90s, when we went from lps and casette tapes to cds, from vhs tapes to laserdisc to dvds. The creation of better home computers and the internet, to laptops, and now net books.

Now we have mp3 players, smart phones, and digital books. With technology, we are more interconnected with everything, and I think we need to be or the world will leave us behind. Heck, my three year old knows how to use the computer and how to get to her favorite games. It amazes me how far I have come when it comes to technology, and how readily I’ve accepted it into my life. From facebook to blogging on this page, I have every opportunity to reach out and express myself how I see fit.

Just part of the inevitable evolution.


Monday, June 28, 2010

06/28/10 Go Big or Go Home

The 47th day

In my later years of life, I have been brought into a group that goes to gaming conventions. Now when I say gaming conventions, I don’t mean video games or gambling, I mean pen and paper rpgs, tactical and strategy board games, CCG’s and large miniatures battle games. These things are the factions you find at most conventions, along with the artists, cosplayers, musicians, and other assorted individuals.
Now, thanks to my years as an envoy for Wizkids, I was able to travel to wonderful gaming locations and meet some great people. Since 2000, I have probably been to over a dozen conventions in several cities, and I still love going to these things, both to participate as a player and a game master.

Now here’s the problem that I have with such establishments and their game masters.

All too often I sign up for a game that’s a little more light and more commercially available, such as Settlers of Catan, Bang, Carcassonne, or any such one shot game. All too often the game is being run by some individual or group who happens to have the game and comes by, collects the tickets, and the drops off the game and leaves the table and does not moderate/participate in the game or event. In actuality, it feels like I just plunked down a buck or more just to play a game that I could’ve done for free with my friends and other strangers.

Now I know that many of these “Cons” have a reimbursement program for their game masters, and that’s perfectly fine, but I do find it a travesty on the gm’s part if they aren’t even there at the table and not even checking in on us once in a while. It is, for a lack of any other term, Bull$#!+.

Now, as an “elite” game master (and I use that term very loosely and as an inside joke) I tend to believe in a different philosophy. I think it’s important that the game master promotes himself in a better light and tries to make his game more memorable for the players. Any fool can pull and game out, put it on the table, and leave. It take a truly great person with a passion for gaming to bring the game to life, whatever it may be.

Personally, I’m all about the aesthetic, the flair, setting the mood, and enhancing the experience.

Case and point: I went to Ancon this past May, and found a game called Cthulhu Dice, a horror variation of the very popular “LCR” dice game. (If you don’t know who Cthulhu is, read some HP Lovecraft and check the picture on my blog.) Now I was thinking of running the game at a convention later this year, just as a sidebar to whatever else I’m doing, but I want to make it better. So at Origins I purchased a large Cthulhu as a centerpiece for the table, then purchased a bag of smaller black Cthulhus to use a tokens in the game. Long story short, I’ve added about 30 dollars to a 5 dollar game, but the aesthetic is there and the game is more memorable now, and not just a generic crappy game that gets lost in the shamble of the convention floor. It’s eye catching, and people will notice what’s going on as the game is played.

So there you go. Go big or go home.


Sunday, June 27, 2010

06/27/10 a fantastic weekend

The 46th day

Origins game fair was going on this weekend, and I had the opportunity to travel down to the convention with some good friends. We were only there for a few hours, but I was able to meet up with some friends that I rarely see during the year, and also spend some money on some goodies, mostly new games and such.

Today I spent more time with the same individuals to try out the new games. I really had a great time this weekend, and I thank those individuals who were a part of it.


Wednesday, June 23, 2010

06/23/10 Haiku For You

the 42nd day

Just some Haikus I’ve had in my mind for a while, hope you like.

If meat is murder,
Then murder is delicious.
I’ll have mine with fries.

Gun control only
Becomes relevant after
Something bad happens.

There are two types of
People that bug me to death;
You and everyone.

Someday soon I think
I will develop patience.
Not today, must go.


Tuesday, June 22, 2010

06/22/10 Back Tats and Tongue Piercings

The 41st day

So the other night at work our supervisor was training a group of new hires to get them ready for their future assignments. Three were male, one was female. The female wasn’t hard on the eyes at all, but I still tried not to stare. She had a nice body, that’s for sure. Very athletic build.

The reason I bring this up is because most of the night she was bending over picking up freight on the floor, and when she did, her tight shirt slid up a bit, revealing a very large and elaborate lower back tattoo (a “tramp stamp” is a term that I’ve heard over and over again). I can’t really describe the exact design other than I made the joke that it looked like a “fallopian tube road map”

Now I’m a married man, but I’m absolutely ok to look at other girls, just not to touch. Eye candy is perfectly fine. I had a discussion with a co-worker last night that I’ve come the conclusion that body piercing, lower back tattoos, form fitting clothing all fit in the category of “synthetic human plumage” which is designed for the sole purpose of attracting a mate.

Found out that the back tattoo girl also was a gymnast. I’m totally going to hell.


Monday, June 21, 2010

06/21/10 Primal Vs. Intellectual

The 40th day

There seems to be two types of moods I tend to get into when I’m home with my family. There is the intellectual side of me that loves to be creative and work on projects and other cerebral pursuits. The other side is the primal side, the side that has desires and wants and pretty much is the survival instincts.

Now here’s the catch: the two cannot survive at the same time.

When I’m in the intellectual mood, I’m in high spirits and love working on what ever projects I’m doing (see my “too many projects” blog for the things I’m into), and in doing so, that primal side becomes suppressed. Often I don’t need sleep, food, recreation, or even procreation. My mind gets fixed on the task and I love every minute of it. My wife would disagree with me because one of the rooms becomes a workshop and some clutter occurs. My mind becomes ridiculously sharp as it gets some much needed exercise.

The primal side tends to come out when I’m really tired and worn out, usually closer to the end of the week. I tend to run on autopilot sometimes and just try to get through the day so that I can get to bed and sleep, which is my ultimate goal. Other than that, I tend to do the bear minimum to get by. My routines become simple and basic. Feed the kids, clean the room, keep the kids safe, take them outside, feed yourself, keep everyone clean, go to store, make dinner, etc. Free thought tends to get suppressed a bit and I really have no other desire other than to just get through the day. I don’t want to read, or work on any project that I may or may not have in mind.

So one day, I’m going to get this aspect of my personality in balance, but until then I guess I’m going to have to deal


Sunday, June 20, 2010

06/20/10 13 years

The 39th day

Today marks 13 years since I was hired at my current job. I didn’t realize how much time has passed, and how old I’ve become in those 13 years.

Some food for thought; things that happened around 06-20-97

-an unknown rapper by the name of Eminem was making his way up the ranks in Detroit.

-on 9-7-97, a small videogame by the name of Final Fantasy VII would be released on Sony Playstation, changing how we would look at video games forever.

-I was using a Packard Bell computer with a 233 Mhz processor and an 810 MB hard drive, and connected to internet providers using a 56k baud modem.

-some new fandangled media for movies was hitting shelves in stores, something called a DVD?

Movies like Con Air and Disney’s Hercules were in theatres, one week later, Men in Black wound be released.

Just some things to age me.


Friday, June 18, 2010

06/18/10 Mr. Monday

The 37th day

I have this certain individual that I’m forced to work with and unfortunately talk to 5 days out of the week, especially on Saturday. This individual is an absolute soul sucker, but I’m not going to drag his name in the mud. Instead, I’ll just refer to him as “Mr. Monday”.

Mr. Monday is a man in his late fifties and is perhaps the most miserable man I’ve ever met. He constantly pollutes my eardrums about his life and how terrible it is, with such things such as he only has 30 buck in his wallet and whether or not he should he put gas in his car or actually eat this week. I believe to be a person who falls under the misery loves company category and is happier when he brings someone down to his level.

He’s an adequate worker, but he is impetuous and fails to thinks about the ramifications of his actions, and when they inevitably fail, he stomps off and pouts. Last Saturday he built a large box structure on top of an oversized wooden crate, then came to me to point out his triumph. Instantly I was able to see 3 difficulties with the project he just completed; it was too tall, too heavy to move with one forklift, and due to the over-sized crate it wouldn’t fit on the flat sheets we use to load a truck. I was right on two out of three.

Mr. Monday also has a generally disagreeable disposition towards changes and policies. He feels the need to criticize every decision that is handed down from management, and he tends to undercut every decision that I make. If I was going to place anything, box or crate into a container, he would come by and mess with it until it was to whatever standards he seems to have.

Frankly, he gets under my skin and drives me up the wall. I’m sure that everyone has a Mr. Monday at their workplace. I guess things could be worse…there could be two of them.


Thursday, June 17, 2010

06/17/10 Reoccurring Dreams

The 36th day

In my last 10 or so years of my life, I have been traumatized by reoccurring dreams. I really don’t know what the deal is, but often I have dreams about the same subjects over and over again. I know I have three of them, and I think I know why. Let’s explore this shall we?

1) School: often I dream about school in some form or another, whether it is my elementary school or high school. Now it’s not what you think: I’m always fully clothed in these dreams. My problems start when its in the middle of the school year, and I am completely unprepared for anything. I don’t know what classes I have, or where those classrooms are located. I have no books, didn’t do last night’s homework, and there’s always a test that is the equivalent of the final exam, and I have no clue about it. If I have a locker, I either don’t know where the locker is, or know the combination. In effect, I’m completely lost.
Now I know that my organization skills aren’t exactly up to snuff, but my subconscious apparently likes to screw with me enough that I think less of myself. Perhaps it’s a reminder to stay organized.

2) Work: I work at an air cargo facility nearby my hometown, and have done so for an extensive period of time. Since it’s third shift, I see it in a different light, I see in pitch black and in the early light of dawn. When I dream of the facility, it’s always a little different. Sometimes the catwalks are high and without rails, sometimes the planes are these gigantic air vessels that dwarf the sky itself, and often things are twisted images of truth. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve worked a shift, and before I clock out I wake up only to have to go to the real world job.

3) Bathrooms: this only tends to happen when I have a real life full bladder. When I dream of the bathrooms, it’s always the same this, wither I can’t find a working toilet, or I begin urinating it weirdest of places (trash can, couch, gas station counter top.) I know these dreams come a little too often after a night of drinking.

So there you go, my mind’s a little messed up


Wednesday, June 16, 2010

06/16/10 Repetition: an Exercise in Routine.

the 35th day

For many of us, we all have out own set schedule for when we go to work, to school, when we eat, and so on and so forth. Normally this isn’t a major deal, but I think for the work week, mine has me by the throat and in a death grip.

Allow me to explain:

I work third shift at an air cargo facility four nights out of the week from about 1:45 a.m. to whenever we’re finished. During the day, I’m a stay at home dad who looks after his two daughters. Between work and my day I get a few hours of sleep, and at the end of my day at about 8 p.m. I get a solid block of 4 to 5 hours.

Now the problem occurs when I start my day. I’ll try to break it down for you.

6:00 am: I get home from work. I need at least 20+ minutes to wind down so I can fall asleep. Shower is a must.
6:30 am: I get to bed
7:30ish am: my youngest daughter gets up, which means I get up.
7:30am -9:59am: at this point I have several options, which include fixing the girl a breakfast and making sure she’s tip top shape while she’s watching her nick cartoons. That gives me some time to jump on face book, you tube, or write this blog, as long as the kid doesn’t usurp the computer. The other option is to lie on the couch in a semi-conscious state and try to get more rest, which usually results in the youngest one climbing on top of me and sitting on my legs for a period of time, preventing me from sleeping.
10:00am: at this point, I am up and more or less awake, and during the summer, this is when my oldest child gets up. Since she’s older I let her help herself for her breakfast.
11:00am-1:00pm family interaction begins which usually involves the two kids playing together while I referee the “claims” as they ensue., such as she took my book, I was playing with that, loud crying, etc.
1:00pm-2:00pm unreasonable request time begins. Usually involving electronics or music.
2:00pm-3:00pm: kick the girls outside for and hour or more.
3:00pm-4:00pm: kids are probably a little cranky at this time and need some separation time. This is also the opening of the window of time for my wife to come home.
4:00pm: this is about the exact moment that wish I was in bed and heading to work, just because the kids are starting to get on my last nerve.
5:00pm: I begin preparation for dinner, which usually involves me making more than one item since I’m the only member of the family that’s not picky about anything I make.
6:00pm: dinner is served
6:30pm dinner is finished and evening chores begin:
7:00pm showers/ baths for the kids, perhaps a second one for me.
8:00pm this is my bedtime, and I try to sleep, just depends on how my youngest is since she insists on sleeping at the same bed time as I do and in the same bed as well.
12:00am: my alarm clock goes off. Get up, empty the bladder, make a pot of coffee, send the wife to bed, sip coffee, check messages, flip channels for an hour.
1:00am: drive to work, maybe get gas.
1:45am: start work, which involves the stretching of nets for about 45 minutes.
2:30am-4:00am: actually do the tasks of work that are set for me.
4:00am: this is about the time that I rally wish I was home.
4:00am-5:30am: I wrap up my work and head for home, possibly stopping at the store or gas station.
6:00am: I get home.

So this is my schedule, and this is what inevitably happens day in and day out. I speed through the day and night just to get to the next one. The days blur together and before I know it the weekend is here and then I dread the work week. Time is flying by way too fast and I need to apply the brakes before I get any older or miss something important.

Quite a quandary I’m in, but not that I see it in front of me, maybe I can solve the puzzle.


Tuesday, June 15, 2010

06/15/10 Too Many Projects

The 34th day

My wife often says that I have too many projects and that I like too many things, and now I’m quick to agree that I do have a lot of interests. I think I’m a well rounded individual, but all of these things tend to lead to clutter and conflict of interests.

Here are the things I enjoy in no particular order.

Writing- probably one of the most useful skills one can have. I write recreationally at times, but mostly its for some of my other interests. Needless to say, I have a lot of notebooks.

Art- I have painted several paintings and have a few hanging up in the house. I have a few boxes of paints, brushed, and other various craft items I use for other projects I work on from time to time.

Books- I have a lot of books, both mainstream novels and trade paperbacks and also various magazines.

Role-Playing- the other half of my book collection consists of rulebooks and supplemental material for several game systems. Half of the systems I have are old and dead, so those books are the last books released and very valuable to me.

Board Games:- from 2004 on, for a four year period, I was heavy into board games, mostly specialty board games that are more strategic and from other lesser know companies. I have a lot of board games from days of wonder, fantasy flight, and Mayfair games. Now I look at them and regret that I haven’t played them in a while.

Video games- I am a child of the video game generation, and deep in the core demographic. Actually, as I write this, I have this year’s E3 coverage of the Nintendo press conference on in the background, only because I know Sony’s press conference is next and I need to see it. I’m amazed with my PS3 and the direction that the industry is going is exciting. I’m addicted for sure.

Godzilla- I run a Godzilla game at several venues in the area during convention season, and that requires me to have a storage bin of Godzilla stuff. My daughter likes the movies, so we have a lot of those dvds.

Movies- I was brought up at a time that you could go to movies relatively cheaply. So my parents let me see a lot of movies. I love action, horror, anime, comedy, and all sorts of other stuff. I have to get rid of my vhs videos soon so that I can make more room for my dvds.

Music: love my music, love my 300 plus cd collection, and that was even before the whole digital download thing began. I can’t get rid of those.

So yeah, I like a lot of stuff. Now I think I should do some clean up.


Monday, June 14, 2010

06/14/10 Unfinished

The 33rd day

Upstairs in my room, in my closet, is a large blue-gray binder. Within it, 200 pages of hand written material, an unfinished novel that I began writing late 1999. It had just started as a pet project, just to see how far it would go, but it became so much more.

The novel was supposed to be a medieval epic involving some less than savory individuals being caught in the middle of a holy war between demon knights and a secretive brotherhood sworn to protect the most sacred of artifacts. In my youth, I was certain that I was going to accomplish finishing it, getting it published without fail, and become an author as significant as Crichton or King. I had a fantastic plan about how I would write about 8 books, 4 from this series of the novel I was writing, and the 8th being something called Dys’KonT’nt, a personal journal that seeps from my head similar to the john doe diaries from the movie “seven”. It’s funny how like works out sometimes.

For me at that age, I would spend the next two years staying awake at night, writing at a small desk by candlelight. A CD player would be nearby, softly playing some sort of Celtic music to help with the creative process. Often I would use incense to enhance the mood a bit to really entrench me in the whole process.

With such ferocity I scribbled out pages of notes and theory, outlines and concepts. I designed demonic language and weapons side by side with blessed weapons and artifacts. A good night of writing was 5 to 6 pages minimum and 10+ was amazing. There were nights I would wear out the pen before I was worn out. The words flowed so easy back when I was writing at every opportunity.

Years have passed, and the book remains unfinished. I shelved it in 2003 because we were moving, and the book was at it’s most pivotal moment. I wanted it to be perfect as I searched for the exact works to explain what were the true motivations of the war. I spent a few nights writing and rewriting the part, then of course I had to move, and life caught up to me.

So now the book lays in my closet as a testament to what could have been and an effigy to procrastination. For the first time in a few years I pulled it out to take a photo of it, to put on this blog. There is so much of my time and effort in this work, and yet it’s not done. My unfinished business.

I think I just found some reading material. Maybe…just maybe…


Thursday, June 10, 2010

06/10/10 Frustrations

the 29th day

I've been so busy with my kids that i haven't had time to really sit and think about what i want to write. the kids, though generally good, have been picking on each other since the oldest is home from school for the summer. this constant rivalry is really starting to tick me off, and i swear they had better shape up real quick.

i love my kids dearly, and i really don't want a sibling rivalry developing here so soon, but kids will be kids.

oh well, just have to see how far this goes.


Monday, June 7, 2010

06/07/10 Political Games

The 26th day

So I was watching the news tonight, and a reoccurring theme in the political spectrum is the rise of this “Tea Party” group, and how it seems to always get attention of the media. I can’t really put a finger on it, but something disturbs me about these people. So now I, an average man with a distaste and disdain for all politics, now perceive things as such.

You have three parties:

1) The Republican Party: old world traditions and values, heavy on the morality of years gone by. The iconic “50’s Dad” who comes home from a long day’s work and puts on his slippers and smokes his pipe, while Billy and Sally do homework and the wife cooks a turkey in the oven. Their political mascot: the elephant.

2) the Democratic Party: the sons and daughters of the liberal arts and hippie generations. Leaders of the going green and hug a tree movement. Their ideals are to take the establishment we have and tidy up the place, putting eco-friendly light bulbs in every room and being a cheerleader for the working middle class. Their mascot: the donkey.

3) the Tea Party: the political version of “extreme sports”. severe rhetoric about how the conservatives have lost their edge and how everything should be wiped out and rebuilt.

The reason I bring this up is because on tonight’s news cast, there was a piece on a woman by the name of Angle, and how her platform involved closing the IRS, the Dept of Education, stop social security, etc. she also said that “America was being water-boarded, being tortured”. First off, I thought that water-boarding wasn’t torture, at least not in the eyes of the last administration. Secondly, no matter how much this woman says, no matter how many followers/ voters this woman gets behind her, we all know that at the end of the day what will happen. She will be just like everyone else in the government, someone with a secure job, and little or no intention to do anything of real substance.

It’s smoke and mirrors…

Oh, and for your information, I don’t know what the Tea Party mascot is, but If they want an idea, based on their name, it definitely should involve one…large…sweaty guy.

A little bitter and jaded today,


Sunday, June 6, 2010

06/06/10 Storms

the 25th day

Sorry I haven't been posting the last few days. we've had some serious storms in the area and things have been pretty brutal lately. Looks like a few tornadoes hit in areas to the west and east of us, so we're fortunate to not have as significant damage as other areas.

we'll talk more later.


Friday, June 4, 2010

06/04/10 Living Horror

the 23rd day...

Now don’t blame my parents for this; they’re good parents, but I grew up in a different time before the whole protect the children issues came up.

Years ago when I was a pre-teen or even younger, my parents would take me to R rated movies. Most of these were either slasher flicks or ultraviolet movies. I still have vivid memories of seeing “Scarface” in the movie theaters and remembering the final gun fight in the film. I’ve seen Friday the 13ths, Poltergeists, the remake of The Thing, countless Stephen King films, and other assorted horror flicks.

Has this left an impression on me? Hell yes! There are still films that freak me out when I see them and my heart beats faster and I get an adrenaline rush. It’s a blast of real fear, but with my vast intelligence, I’ve been able to analyze the thing that scars me.

Case and point, last winter I was able to see the film “poltergeist 2” for the first time in a long time on AMC. Now the movie to me in its entirety isn’t all that scary, but there is one scene that got to me as a child. The scene involves the middle child, a boy, who now has braces in the movie, and as such the poltergeist uses that to its advantage. The child’s wires in the braces begin to envelop him and turns him into a writhing mass of wires on the ceiling, a cocoon in which only one of his eyes is visible, and the child is locked in the bathroom with the wires heading towards the nearest outlet. Of course the kid is saved as the parents break open the door and pull the kid away from the outlet.

Now I just had my braces installed when this movie came out, so this scene was the things of nightmares for a while. When I watched the scene years later, I was able to see the masterful-ness of the whole moment. You only see the very beginnings of the child being wrapped up, then the scene cuts to the parents downstairs, then running up the stairs, then trying to break down the door. This is about a 30-45 seconds of footage, until when the break down the door, and see the full effect of the wire cocoon. In that time, your imagination gets to run wild as you try to figure out what’s going on to the boy behind the door. Also, the mom stands there and just screams the whole time why the dad is trying to save the boy. I forget the name of the actress but boy could she scream.

After that analysis, I’m not afraid of that scene anymore, and now I deal with any other scene that creeps me out with the same amount of analysis.

But I still love horror films, and wait until I give you my “Saw” predictions and theories later.


Wednesday, June 2, 2010

06/02/10 BP is BS

the 21st day

I wouldn’t really consider myself an environmentalist, nor a tree hugger, but I do care to some extent about our planet. Obviously we’re not really heading in the correct direction, but some strides have been made to make the environment better.

This is until BP screwed the proverbial pooch…

Now, I can’t blame them for the explosion on the drilling rig. That’s sucks, but what can you do now? My problem is the absolute dragging of heels on the oil leaking out into the gulf. BP hasn’t moved fast enough in this situation, and nothing has worked, which makes them look like a bunch of amateurs in the public eye. I want results, not excuses. Either seal the oil well, or suck it dry, but for god sakes do it now!

Once we get rid of the leak, we can concentrate on the cleanup. I feel terrible for the people in the gulf who make their living in those coastal waters, unable to do a thing as their livelihood hangs in the balance.

I’ve never liked BP gas anyway, but this makes me like them even less.

Get to work…Now!


Tuesday, June 1, 2010

06/01/10 just haven't had the time...

the 20th day

I've been busy today, straightening up the house are reorganizing things I've been putting off for weeks, and most of this new project is going to take all week. i promise I'll be back tomorrow with something deep and profound...or at least meaningful to me in my life.

think I'll be talking about the oil spill an the disdain i have for BP sometime this week.

see ya


Monday, May 31, 2010

05/31/10 More Engaging…

The 19th day…

In an effort to be a better social person, I have tried to become a little more engaging in conversation, both with relatives, and with total strangers at supermarkets. I’m not being overpowering when it comes to the conversations with strangers, just a little chit chat while waiting in line.
With my relatives its still a little more difficult because there’s so much stuff going on besides, but I have made some strides to continue conversations by remaining more on topic than normal. My biggest issue is still being interested in some of the things that people talk about, but still not be an one-dimensional person and keep talking about the same things over and over again.

Taking the strides day by day


Saturday, May 29, 2010

05/29/10 My Kids

The 17th day

I’m not getting deep into this one, but one phrase sums this up perfectly:

I love my kids, and they’re great, but sometimes they’re a complete pain in the ass.

That sums it up…the truth in all its brutality


Friday, May 28, 2010

05/28/10 What the F***?

The 17th day

Despite my intelligence, there are a lot of times I have “WTF” moments. Some things are just so blatant and outside the realm of possibility that it nearly debilitates me as I try to wrap my mind around the concept or idea I just encountered. The thing irritates me about such moments is the fact that they creep up on you at the most unexpected times.

Last night, I’m in my car heading to work to pick up my check. Then I hear an advertisement on the radio for an infamous website for married people to hook up with other married individuals who are having the issue of “Coitus Interruptus” in their marriages. This site has been controversial for years, and openly encourages affairs, but does it in such a way that it is not morally obligated to do anything other than run it’s website.

Now comes the self-assessment part

There are mental faculties within me that are now in conflict with each other, and as best as I can describe, here are their thoughts and arguments:

The religious side: “This is an Abomination against God and his Commandments. The Vow of Marriage is Sacred, and Adultery is Evil, and why do I insist on capitalizing Everything?

The no so religious side: Isn’t marriage for procreation? I mean, that’s not all what marriage is about, but that’s definitely a plus, right?

The scientific side: we have primal instincts to proliferate the species embedded in our DNA makeup. We can’t deny the urges inside us; it is physiologically impossible.

The political side: the politicians have been doing this for years, and so have the celebrities. It’s like a status symbol now. Oh look, I have an Ipod and an affair. Really? You’re cool.

The emotional side: what about love? Wouldn’t this hurt the ones you love? What if you love the person, but just don’t want to be intimate with them? Man, I’m gonna lock myself in my room and listen to James Blunt as I try to sort through this one.

The business side: how much does something like this cost, the CEO of this site/ company must be raking it in. it’s like those wild college coed movies, but the porn is real. Why didn’t I think of this?

The morally upright side: this is wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

So, I basically need to get these sides of me and sit down and talk about a compromise about how we feel about this site.

And for the record…I would never use such a site…we’ll put that possible issue to rest right now.



Thursday, May 27, 2010

05/27/10 What Defines Me?

the 16th day

Yesterday I spent time reflecting on myself as I did the chores around the house. I’m trying to find out what people really see when they see me, and the things that define me. I’ve been trying to figure out some format to effectively portray the things that I’m into, that I enjoy and the things that I want to have define me.

Ultimately, the two things that I want people to see and the things that define me is that I am an intelligent person, and that I am a family man. For me, family includes a lot of people, even is there is no real blood connection between some people and myself, and that they are very important in my life. There is nothing better than knowing that you always have a good support system that you can rely on from time to time.

Over the years, I’ve often questioned just how intelligent I really am and where I fit in the grand scheme of things. I have to say that I now know that I am a very intelligent person, ridiculously intelligent, and I embrace this openly. When forced to make my own decisions, I make the best one possible, and follow through with it. I’ve been maturing more in the past seven years than I ever thought possible, and my outlook on life has changed significantly. I’m more open to discussions with people and are no longer afraid to share thoughts and ideas with them, but I’m still maturing, still evolving, and I will continue to grow. My thirst to learn is great, and I anticipate the next learning experience.

These are the things that define me…but I’m sure there are other things too.


Tuesday, May 25, 2010

05/25/10 Too Nice?

The 14th day

One thing that had become apparent since this blog began is the fact that I’ve been doing a lot of self-analysis any chance I get, just to make this as interesting as possible and give myself something to think about and put in this journal. Yesterday was no exception.

At about 8pm last night, I had to make a trip to the local grocery store, simply because my weekend trip prevented me from doing so in the first place. So I go and get about 16 or 17 items, dinner and lunch stuff to make it through the weekend. So I head to checkout, and just by this one action, I’ve have learned some significant parts that compose my personality.

1) upon arriving at the checkout area, there were two lines to choose from; one is a full service line with myself being the third person in line. The second is a 15 items or less line with only one person in it.

What did I do, you ask?

I, of course, stay in the full service line. Now, there is probably no issue with me being in the 15 or less line with a few more items over the limit. It’s not like the register can ring up only 15 items, nor will the clerk yell at me for being over the limit, but yet I took the time and counted my items and once I realized that the number was over 15 items, I just stayed in the longer line. Curious. Why did I do that?

2) upon choosing the longer line, the next cashier over opened her register, and I headed over to the new register. I put a couple of 12 packs of soda pop on the conveyor when my ears pick up the conversation of a mother and her young child coming my way. The child was wondering why they were going to a register without a light on, and the mother assured her that the woman was indeed opening the register. I look up from the cart, smile, then notice that all they have is one half gallon of milk in their hand. I ask them if that’s all they have, then in the same breath inform them that they can go ahead of me. They are thankful and move ahead of me.

I wonder what force caused me to react so quickly to that situation. Was it a reflex? An instinct? A deeply seated lesson I learned long ago? What it just plain “right” to do?
Whatever the reason, normally I would feel good about it, but this time I didn’t, probably because this one action made me start to think about the choices that I make.

Was that really a choice?

Have I, from my years on this planet, become too nice? Nice to the point that it disabling me?

I don’t have issue being nice, and I will do the random acts of kindness to make people happy from time to time, but is there something more to this ? Is this now something I need to do in order for me to survive day to day in this world? Am I genuinely trying to become a better person, or is this just a simple coping mechanism that allows me to get through each day without killing someone?

I’m not saying that I need to start being an a$$#ole, but at the same time I should start considering my needs over others a bit more. I’ve heard from many that I’m too nice, and I’ve always though it a compliment, but now I’m not so sure.

Food for thought.


Monday, May 24, 2010

05/24/10 Back to Reality

Day 13

so i returned from my AnCon trip last night, and i must say i'm happy to be home. nothing beats sleeping in your own bed after a restless weekend in a hotel. I was able to run the games i wanted, and enjoy the company of some good friends.

now of course, my mind is spinning with the ideas and concepts of new things to try out and get ready for whatever convention comes my way next. i really should take a few days off to recuperate, but there is no rest for the wicked.

all in all, the weekend was a great experience and i learned a lot, but i've got that feeling of emptiness, because i don't have anything to look forward to at this moment. i'm caught up with everything at the moment, and i'm not moving forward. i hate feeling idle, but i'll take a few days off before i start working on my next project.

see you all soon.

Friday, May 21, 2010

05/21/10 Game Conventions

the 10th day...

My second game convention of the year begins later tonight, at AnCon in Hudson, OH. I have been anticipating this one since last year, as it seems that it’s put together adequately. With the group I travel with from con to con, I am anticipating a good time.

My first experience with a gaming convention came in high school, when I participated as a player at TolCon, a Toledo based convention, and it wasn’t too bad, but it just seemed weird to me to pay for a game, when I could just play it with others for free at home. I didn’t realize that gaming is as social as it is competitive.

For my friends that have been there since 2000, I appreciate that they have shown me that you can play to have fun, and not be so bogged down in the technical aspect of the games. I could go on and on about players and their quirks, but that would just bore you, so I’ll keep that out. just know that there are some really annoying gamers out there who are only interested in making life a living hell.

So soon, I am off to another convention, for recreation and camaraderie. I’ll see you all in a few days.

Until then,


Thursday, May 20, 2010

05/20/10 Veteran of the Video Game Wars

The 9th day…

Today, I’m going to talk about something that makes up a great deal of my personality and something that I tend to gravitate towards; video games.

I have grown up in an amazing age in which I was rarely without a controller in my hands. From my cousins’ Atari 2600, to my own ColecoVision, to the Commodore 64 and my first Packard Bell with a 75 MHz processor, I’ve always been around video games. I remember how huge Mortal Kombat was in high school, and I remember my good friends who purchased a super Nintendo for me for either Christmas or my birthday. I still own it and it runs great.

In late 1995 , I joined the workforce at a local toy store franchise (the dyslexic one). During this time period I saw the technology explode, from 32 bit Saturns and Playstations, to 64 bit Nintendo64, to Dreamcast, Xbox and PS2. I remember spending so much time explaining to customers the distinct differences between each system, and recommending great titles for them and their kids.

Now in my early thirties, I still play games, and I look forward to playing games for many years to come. In an age of Wii and my beloved PS3, I can’t wait to see what developments are coming soon across the horizon. We are entering an age where social networks and games will become one, and I can’t wait to see what happens next.


05/20/10 Missed a Day

I know that I was supposed to write every day, but life got in the way yesterday. Being sick,getting ready for a weekend excursion, and a cranky 3 year old who wants control of the computer made it impossible to blog. So i'm playing catchup before my trip. I'll post more later

Patience is a virtue


Tuesday, May 18, 2010

05/17/10 Reflections of DysKonTnt

The 7th Day

A week has passed (more or less) since I began this blog, and I think I’m on the right track. I’ve had a few people join this blog and a few people comment on how much they like my blog. For those people I am very thankful for your input and please keep reading and feel free to leave comments on this journal

I know that there are risks to what I am doing, by leaving my stamp on the internet. I’m probably going to have to deal with possible ramifications and fallout from doing the blog, but frankly I don’t really care about it. If someone is petty enough to use this blog as an excuse not to hire me or continue a relationship with me, well, then I guess I didn’t know the person that well in the first place.

For those of you reading this, but haven’t signed up on this blog as a follower, please do. It makes this blog all the more validated and then I know people are seeing what I have to say.

Thank you all.


Monday, May 17, 2010

05/17/2010 A Free Thinker…A Difficult Choice…

The 6th day

“To see with eyes unclouded by hate…”--Ashitaka from Princess Mononoke

In the past several years, I have been able to gain a certain level of freedom as I bring up my children and lead a family side by side with my wife. I have been given opportunities to decide what is in the best interests of my wife and children. To say it in another way, I have been able to decide what is right for my family and myself.

What’s “right“…how heavy that word is for me…

The concept of right has become a convoluted mess in the past several years. No longer do we have choices about what’s right and wrong, but rather, which of the two decisions specifically does less damage to the whole. The extremes between choices is often more or less the choice of “the lesser of two evils” and which one can you live with for a longer period of time.

Regardless of what political viewpoint you have, regardless of whatever religious or philosophical doctrines you follow, everybody knows the difference between right and wrong. It’s an instinctual response that we’re born with. However, the corruption of man in all his forms twists the instinct of the individual to a corrupted need. Can the racist help the fact that he hates a specific type of person? Can the terrorist help the fact that he takes innocent lives in the name of his god? Can the politician truly understand that he is merely a one-dimensional puppet if he finds it “convenient” if he only believes the things his political party wants him to believe?

The lack of personal choices people make sickens me because there is no personal accountability anymore. They are able to stand out in the open, make a decision, then hide behind their constituents as the fallout of their actions becomes all too apparent. I am neither a liberal or a conservative, I have removed myself from all religious institutions, but dammit, I know right from wrong! As long as I know that, I can stay true to myself!

I hate labels, but if I am to be labeled a free thinker, than at least I know that much about myself and at least that’s something.

The free thinking continues…


Sunday, May 16, 2010

05/16/10 Never Talk Too Much…

The 5th day…

I am not a talkative person, part of the internalization I’ve been doing for years. Part of the reason I don’t speak so muck is because I hate to pollute people’s eardrums with banality and useless drivel. There is no reason for it, and I would rather remain silent than make some poor schmuck listen to a ridiculous conversation.

Unfortunately, most people I have come into contact with don’t see to follow these guidelines…

Case and point; I was at a small convention on Friday night, working my vendor’s table, which happened to be next to some other guy’s table. (the man’s name escapes me at the moment, probably because he spent most of that night polluting my eardrums.) This individual spent the good portion of two hours going on about how we could make more money and how this isn’t the place for us, and his experiences about god knows whatever he did back it the day. It was an aural assault, and frankly I didn’t appreciate it too much.

However, the “nice guy” in me let him go and speak his mind, and probably most of the contents of his mind spilled into mine.

Assertiveness is something I really need to work on, but if I was going to say something to him about his constant babbling, I’m sure it would have been pretty rude. So the nice part of me decided it was batter if I just let the self suffering continue.

This is not the first time I’ve had someone drone on and on about something I really didn’t care about, but the worst part about it was the fact that the guy was obviously hard of hearing, since he spoke loudly, and had to ask “what’s that?” seconds before I finished whatever point I was going to make.

Lucky guy…didn’t have to hear himself babble…


Saturday, May 15, 2010

05/15/2010 4th day Undiagnosed

In the 33 years that I have inhabited this world, I have some to the conclusion that I have some issues (but who doesn’t, really). After meeting up with several friends in the last 10 years, and their ADD/ Autistic children, I often wonder if I am an undiagnosed case of something on other that could explain the current state of mind I’ve been in for some time now.

Here’s my case: whenever I go to a store where I can spend money, regardless of what it might be, I get overly excited and can’t really focus on what I want. I speed through the process and my brain tries to keep up, but I feels like I can’t process the information fast enough. I feel like a drunken haze is over my senses as I dart around the area of the store looking for stuff, but can’t focus long enough to silence my mind for a simple thought as to what I really want. I can overcome this, but it takes a little time to do it. A certain media store with CD’s, DVDs, Video Games, and other gadgets is my sinful vice, so my symptoms increase tenfold whenever I’m in that store , or another environment similar said store chain.
Also, when dealing in chaotic social situation, whether its random sounds or several people talking to me at one time, I feel that haze go over my senses again. Sometimes, I just lose focus in general.

Now I was born in 1976 and was 13 in 1989, going into high school in late 1990. I don’t know how many people/ doctors/scientists/ knew about learning and social disorders back in the day, but if I was such a case, my parents pretty much blamed me for it. My struggles in school and personal development could’ve been a disorder in disguise and they may have just not known it. Perhaps it was from their upbringing that they themselves were unaware of such things.

Or maybe I was just that much of a screw-up and this is nothing.

Whatever the case may be, I need to go deeper than this to unravel my personal knot.


Friday, May 14, 2010

05/14/2010 the 3rd day Better Living Through Perpetual Conflict.

If you’ve looked closely at my Facebook page, you will see on my info page a quote about me: “A perfect balance of Yin and Yang”. For me, this has always been the truth in my life.

From my mother, I have inherited her disposition and tolerance. She is a strong woman who rarely speak bad things or gets upset about thing. She internalizes her frustrations and anger, never showing off the true nature of her feelings or emotions. She’s not a cold person by any means, just remains sunny on the outside while a storm rages on the inside of her. My father on the other hand, is not afraid to let you know how exactly he feels about things, and will curse and swear loudly if things were not working out for him. He has a certain fire about him, a part of his upbringing in a polish house, I’m sure about that.

So I have two extremes in conflict at all times in my soul; a raging short-fused temper that gets locked away inside of me as I smile and show nothing on the surface. Not a good combination.

People who have seen me frustrated often take is as me being angry. Not the case. So far I have been lucky that I have never flown off the handle entirely, because if I do it’s going to be a massive explosion. That I can tell you for certain.

I’ve learned restraint for many, many years. I still practice this philosophy, especially since I have children of my own now. I’ve tried to be a good father, and think I’ve done a pretty damn good job. So far I have had no reason to get angry with my kids. Sure, they can be frustrating at times, but I try to convey the feeling in a civilized manner, so that I don’t get angry.

Another aspect of my life is this; Am I a good person who occasionally does bad things, or am I a bad person who has to do good things to repent for a past life? Frankly, I don’t know which one I am, nor do I know which answer is more frightening to me.

I’ve got flaws, I’ve done bad things. Hell, haven’t we all? It’s a part of the learning process I think we go through as humans to become better people. Experimentation with things is natural, I guess, but do we really understand the ramifications of what we do? Are we really the sum of the parts that we either cherish or reject? Is our beliefs and morality just a sham to cover up the true flaws we have, hiding them from the rest of the world?

Such questions…need answers…


Thursday, May 13, 2010

05/13/2010 A Fond Farewell and a Final F*** You

Here is where I refuse to have my emotions and pride stomped on any further by anybody anymore. This is a matter of self worth and self-esteem, and I will no longer sit idly by and let anyone tread their dirty heels on my individuality again.

For the past 5 or so years, I’ve had a friend with whom my wife and I spent time with just about every weekend. He was a fellow graduate from my high school class, and we saw eye to eye on some things, then agreed to disagree on other assorted things in life. For these 5 or so years we would spend the first day of every year drinking and playing video games for most, if not all, of the day, while eating tremendously bad food throughout the evening. This individual was a good guy, and though he had removed himself entirely from his parents and siblings, I accepted him for who he was.

I should’ve known what was going to happen.

Last summer, he moved up to Michigan, where some of our mutual friends from high school reside. I have sent emails and made phone calls, but there has been no reply. I gave up after a month, knowing I was shut out of his life just like his parents.

I have tried to not let this affect me, to stand strong knowing this was bound to happen, given his past. However, my mind has been a traitor to me, and has conveyed my true feelings to me in my dreams. I have had dreams in which he and I are at a friend's wedding, and we talk as if there is nothing wrong between us. There are dreams in which I am a dinner with him and all our mutual friends, and he never speaks to me, just glares from across the table at me.

Part of me, the “programmed-to-be-nice-and-good” me, wants to say there is no ill will between us, that the split between us is an amicable one, and that I wish him the best. There is another side of me though, one that does not wish him well, hoping that he gets ran over by a f****’n bus, and that if I ever see him again, there will be words between us, and they won’t be pretty ones.

Recently, I deleted his friend status from PSN, closing the door on this friendship. What irritates me the most is that there are good people up in Michigan that I care about, but will probably never see again, because of whatever social hiccup is between this person and I.

Oh well, a painful experience that one must learn from tends to make one stronger. I’ll go with that for now.