Mental Access to MTKuszek

Mental Access to MTKuszek
A Window of Opportunity

Monday, May 31, 2010

05/31/10 More Engaging…

The 19th day…

In an effort to be a better social person, I have tried to become a little more engaging in conversation, both with relatives, and with total strangers at supermarkets. I’m not being overpowering when it comes to the conversations with strangers, just a little chit chat while waiting in line.
With my relatives its still a little more difficult because there’s so much stuff going on besides, but I have made some strides to continue conversations by remaining more on topic than normal. My biggest issue is still being interested in some of the things that people talk about, but still not be an one-dimensional person and keep talking about the same things over and over again.

Taking the strides day by day


Saturday, May 29, 2010

05/29/10 My Kids

The 17th day

I’m not getting deep into this one, but one phrase sums this up perfectly:

I love my kids, and they’re great, but sometimes they’re a complete pain in the ass.

That sums it up…the truth in all its brutality


Friday, May 28, 2010

05/28/10 What the F***?

The 17th day

Despite my intelligence, there are a lot of times I have “WTF” moments. Some things are just so blatant and outside the realm of possibility that it nearly debilitates me as I try to wrap my mind around the concept or idea I just encountered. The thing irritates me about such moments is the fact that they creep up on you at the most unexpected times.

Last night, I’m in my car heading to work to pick up my check. Then I hear an advertisement on the radio for an infamous website for married people to hook up with other married individuals who are having the issue of “Coitus Interruptus” in their marriages. This site has been controversial for years, and openly encourages affairs, but does it in such a way that it is not morally obligated to do anything other than run it’s website.

Now comes the self-assessment part

There are mental faculties within me that are now in conflict with each other, and as best as I can describe, here are their thoughts and arguments:

The religious side: “This is an Abomination against God and his Commandments. The Vow of Marriage is Sacred, and Adultery is Evil, and why do I insist on capitalizing Everything?

The no so religious side: Isn’t marriage for procreation? I mean, that’s not all what marriage is about, but that’s definitely a plus, right?

The scientific side: we have primal instincts to proliferate the species embedded in our DNA makeup. We can’t deny the urges inside us; it is physiologically impossible.

The political side: the politicians have been doing this for years, and so have the celebrities. It’s like a status symbol now. Oh look, I have an Ipod and an affair. Really? You’re cool.

The emotional side: what about love? Wouldn’t this hurt the ones you love? What if you love the person, but just don’t want to be intimate with them? Man, I’m gonna lock myself in my room and listen to James Blunt as I try to sort through this one.

The business side: how much does something like this cost, the CEO of this site/ company must be raking it in. it’s like those wild college coed movies, but the porn is real. Why didn’t I think of this?

The morally upright side: this is wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

So, I basically need to get these sides of me and sit down and talk about a compromise about how we feel about this site.

And for the record…I would never use such a site…we’ll put that possible issue to rest right now.



Thursday, May 27, 2010

05/27/10 What Defines Me?

the 16th day

Yesterday I spent time reflecting on myself as I did the chores around the house. I’m trying to find out what people really see when they see me, and the things that define me. I’ve been trying to figure out some format to effectively portray the things that I’m into, that I enjoy and the things that I want to have define me.

Ultimately, the two things that I want people to see and the things that define me is that I am an intelligent person, and that I am a family man. For me, family includes a lot of people, even is there is no real blood connection between some people and myself, and that they are very important in my life. There is nothing better than knowing that you always have a good support system that you can rely on from time to time.

Over the years, I’ve often questioned just how intelligent I really am and where I fit in the grand scheme of things. I have to say that I now know that I am a very intelligent person, ridiculously intelligent, and I embrace this openly. When forced to make my own decisions, I make the best one possible, and follow through with it. I’ve been maturing more in the past seven years than I ever thought possible, and my outlook on life has changed significantly. I’m more open to discussions with people and are no longer afraid to share thoughts and ideas with them, but I’m still maturing, still evolving, and I will continue to grow. My thirst to learn is great, and I anticipate the next learning experience.

These are the things that define me…but I’m sure there are other things too.


Tuesday, May 25, 2010

05/25/10 Too Nice?

The 14th day

One thing that had become apparent since this blog began is the fact that I’ve been doing a lot of self-analysis any chance I get, just to make this as interesting as possible and give myself something to think about and put in this journal. Yesterday was no exception.

At about 8pm last night, I had to make a trip to the local grocery store, simply because my weekend trip prevented me from doing so in the first place. So I go and get about 16 or 17 items, dinner and lunch stuff to make it through the weekend. So I head to checkout, and just by this one action, I’ve have learned some significant parts that compose my personality.

1) upon arriving at the checkout area, there were two lines to choose from; one is a full service line with myself being the third person in line. The second is a 15 items or less line with only one person in it.

What did I do, you ask?

I, of course, stay in the full service line. Now, there is probably no issue with me being in the 15 or less line with a few more items over the limit. It’s not like the register can ring up only 15 items, nor will the clerk yell at me for being over the limit, but yet I took the time and counted my items and once I realized that the number was over 15 items, I just stayed in the longer line. Curious. Why did I do that?

2) upon choosing the longer line, the next cashier over opened her register, and I headed over to the new register. I put a couple of 12 packs of soda pop on the conveyor when my ears pick up the conversation of a mother and her young child coming my way. The child was wondering why they were going to a register without a light on, and the mother assured her that the woman was indeed opening the register. I look up from the cart, smile, then notice that all they have is one half gallon of milk in their hand. I ask them if that’s all they have, then in the same breath inform them that they can go ahead of me. They are thankful and move ahead of me.

I wonder what force caused me to react so quickly to that situation. Was it a reflex? An instinct? A deeply seated lesson I learned long ago? What it just plain “right” to do?
Whatever the reason, normally I would feel good about it, but this time I didn’t, probably because this one action made me start to think about the choices that I make.

Was that really a choice?

Have I, from my years on this planet, become too nice? Nice to the point that it disabling me?

I don’t have issue being nice, and I will do the random acts of kindness to make people happy from time to time, but is there something more to this ? Is this now something I need to do in order for me to survive day to day in this world? Am I genuinely trying to become a better person, or is this just a simple coping mechanism that allows me to get through each day without killing someone?

I’m not saying that I need to start being an a$$#ole, but at the same time I should start considering my needs over others a bit more. I’ve heard from many that I’m too nice, and I’ve always though it a compliment, but now I’m not so sure.

Food for thought.


Monday, May 24, 2010

05/24/10 Back to Reality

Day 13

so i returned from my AnCon trip last night, and i must say i'm happy to be home. nothing beats sleeping in your own bed after a restless weekend in a hotel. I was able to run the games i wanted, and enjoy the company of some good friends.

now of course, my mind is spinning with the ideas and concepts of new things to try out and get ready for whatever convention comes my way next. i really should take a few days off to recuperate, but there is no rest for the wicked.

all in all, the weekend was a great experience and i learned a lot, but i've got that feeling of emptiness, because i don't have anything to look forward to at this moment. i'm caught up with everything at the moment, and i'm not moving forward. i hate feeling idle, but i'll take a few days off before i start working on my next project.

see you all soon.

Friday, May 21, 2010

05/21/10 Game Conventions

the 10th day...

My second game convention of the year begins later tonight, at AnCon in Hudson, OH. I have been anticipating this one since last year, as it seems that it’s put together adequately. With the group I travel with from con to con, I am anticipating a good time.

My first experience with a gaming convention came in high school, when I participated as a player at TolCon, a Toledo based convention, and it wasn’t too bad, but it just seemed weird to me to pay for a game, when I could just play it with others for free at home. I didn’t realize that gaming is as social as it is competitive.

For my friends that have been there since 2000, I appreciate that they have shown me that you can play to have fun, and not be so bogged down in the technical aspect of the games. I could go on and on about players and their quirks, but that would just bore you, so I’ll keep that out. just know that there are some really annoying gamers out there who are only interested in making life a living hell.

So soon, I am off to another convention, for recreation and camaraderie. I’ll see you all in a few days.

Until then,


Thursday, May 20, 2010

05/20/10 Veteran of the Video Game Wars

The 9th day…

Today, I’m going to talk about something that makes up a great deal of my personality and something that I tend to gravitate towards; video games.

I have grown up in an amazing age in which I was rarely without a controller in my hands. From my cousins’ Atari 2600, to my own ColecoVision, to the Commodore 64 and my first Packard Bell with a 75 MHz processor, I’ve always been around video games. I remember how huge Mortal Kombat was in high school, and I remember my good friends who purchased a super Nintendo for me for either Christmas or my birthday. I still own it and it runs great.

In late 1995 , I joined the workforce at a local toy store franchise (the dyslexic one). During this time period I saw the technology explode, from 32 bit Saturns and Playstations, to 64 bit Nintendo64, to Dreamcast, Xbox and PS2. I remember spending so much time explaining to customers the distinct differences between each system, and recommending great titles for them and their kids.

Now in my early thirties, I still play games, and I look forward to playing games for many years to come. In an age of Wii and my beloved PS3, I can’t wait to see what developments are coming soon across the horizon. We are entering an age where social networks and games will become one, and I can’t wait to see what happens next.


05/20/10 Missed a Day

I know that I was supposed to write every day, but life got in the way yesterday. Being sick,getting ready for a weekend excursion, and a cranky 3 year old who wants control of the computer made it impossible to blog. So i'm playing catchup before my trip. I'll post more later

Patience is a virtue


Tuesday, May 18, 2010

05/17/10 Reflections of DysKonTnt

The 7th Day

A week has passed (more or less) since I began this blog, and I think I’m on the right track. I’ve had a few people join this blog and a few people comment on how much they like my blog. For those people I am very thankful for your input and please keep reading and feel free to leave comments on this journal

I know that there are risks to what I am doing, by leaving my stamp on the internet. I’m probably going to have to deal with possible ramifications and fallout from doing the blog, but frankly I don’t really care about it. If someone is petty enough to use this blog as an excuse not to hire me or continue a relationship with me, well, then I guess I didn’t know the person that well in the first place.

For those of you reading this, but haven’t signed up on this blog as a follower, please do. It makes this blog all the more validated and then I know people are seeing what I have to say.

Thank you all.


Monday, May 17, 2010

05/17/2010 A Free Thinker…A Difficult Choice…

The 6th day

“To see with eyes unclouded by hate…”--Ashitaka from Princess Mononoke

In the past several years, I have been able to gain a certain level of freedom as I bring up my children and lead a family side by side with my wife. I have been given opportunities to decide what is in the best interests of my wife and children. To say it in another way, I have been able to decide what is right for my family and myself.

What’s “right“…how heavy that word is for me…

The concept of right has become a convoluted mess in the past several years. No longer do we have choices about what’s right and wrong, but rather, which of the two decisions specifically does less damage to the whole. The extremes between choices is often more or less the choice of “the lesser of two evils” and which one can you live with for a longer period of time.

Regardless of what political viewpoint you have, regardless of whatever religious or philosophical doctrines you follow, everybody knows the difference between right and wrong. It’s an instinctual response that we’re born with. However, the corruption of man in all his forms twists the instinct of the individual to a corrupted need. Can the racist help the fact that he hates a specific type of person? Can the terrorist help the fact that he takes innocent lives in the name of his god? Can the politician truly understand that he is merely a one-dimensional puppet if he finds it “convenient” if he only believes the things his political party wants him to believe?

The lack of personal choices people make sickens me because there is no personal accountability anymore. They are able to stand out in the open, make a decision, then hide behind their constituents as the fallout of their actions becomes all too apparent. I am neither a liberal or a conservative, I have removed myself from all religious institutions, but dammit, I know right from wrong! As long as I know that, I can stay true to myself!

I hate labels, but if I am to be labeled a free thinker, than at least I know that much about myself and at least that’s something.

The free thinking continues…


Sunday, May 16, 2010

05/16/10 Never Talk Too Much…

The 5th day…

I am not a talkative person, part of the internalization I’ve been doing for years. Part of the reason I don’t speak so muck is because I hate to pollute people’s eardrums with banality and useless drivel. There is no reason for it, and I would rather remain silent than make some poor schmuck listen to a ridiculous conversation.

Unfortunately, most people I have come into contact with don’t see to follow these guidelines…

Case and point; I was at a small convention on Friday night, working my vendor’s table, which happened to be next to some other guy’s table. (the man’s name escapes me at the moment, probably because he spent most of that night polluting my eardrums.) This individual spent the good portion of two hours going on about how we could make more money and how this isn’t the place for us, and his experiences about god knows whatever he did back it the day. It was an aural assault, and frankly I didn’t appreciate it too much.

However, the “nice guy” in me let him go and speak his mind, and probably most of the contents of his mind spilled into mine.

Assertiveness is something I really need to work on, but if I was going to say something to him about his constant babbling, I’m sure it would have been pretty rude. So the nice part of me decided it was batter if I just let the self suffering continue.

This is not the first time I’ve had someone drone on and on about something I really didn’t care about, but the worst part about it was the fact that the guy was obviously hard of hearing, since he spoke loudly, and had to ask “what’s that?” seconds before I finished whatever point I was going to make.

Lucky guy…didn’t have to hear himself babble…


Saturday, May 15, 2010

05/15/2010 4th day Undiagnosed

In the 33 years that I have inhabited this world, I have some to the conclusion that I have some issues (but who doesn’t, really). After meeting up with several friends in the last 10 years, and their ADD/ Autistic children, I often wonder if I am an undiagnosed case of something on other that could explain the current state of mind I’ve been in for some time now.

Here’s my case: whenever I go to a store where I can spend money, regardless of what it might be, I get overly excited and can’t really focus on what I want. I speed through the process and my brain tries to keep up, but I feels like I can’t process the information fast enough. I feel like a drunken haze is over my senses as I dart around the area of the store looking for stuff, but can’t focus long enough to silence my mind for a simple thought as to what I really want. I can overcome this, but it takes a little time to do it. A certain media store with CD’s, DVDs, Video Games, and other gadgets is my sinful vice, so my symptoms increase tenfold whenever I’m in that store , or another environment similar said store chain.
Also, when dealing in chaotic social situation, whether its random sounds or several people talking to me at one time, I feel that haze go over my senses again. Sometimes, I just lose focus in general.

Now I was born in 1976 and was 13 in 1989, going into high school in late 1990. I don’t know how many people/ doctors/scientists/ knew about learning and social disorders back in the day, but if I was such a case, my parents pretty much blamed me for it. My struggles in school and personal development could’ve been a disorder in disguise and they may have just not known it. Perhaps it was from their upbringing that they themselves were unaware of such things.

Or maybe I was just that much of a screw-up and this is nothing.

Whatever the case may be, I need to go deeper than this to unravel my personal knot.


Friday, May 14, 2010

05/14/2010 the 3rd day Better Living Through Perpetual Conflict.

If you’ve looked closely at my Facebook page, you will see on my info page a quote about me: “A perfect balance of Yin and Yang”. For me, this has always been the truth in my life.

From my mother, I have inherited her disposition and tolerance. She is a strong woman who rarely speak bad things or gets upset about thing. She internalizes her frustrations and anger, never showing off the true nature of her feelings or emotions. She’s not a cold person by any means, just remains sunny on the outside while a storm rages on the inside of her. My father on the other hand, is not afraid to let you know how exactly he feels about things, and will curse and swear loudly if things were not working out for him. He has a certain fire about him, a part of his upbringing in a polish house, I’m sure about that.

So I have two extremes in conflict at all times in my soul; a raging short-fused temper that gets locked away inside of me as I smile and show nothing on the surface. Not a good combination.

People who have seen me frustrated often take is as me being angry. Not the case. So far I have been lucky that I have never flown off the handle entirely, because if I do it’s going to be a massive explosion. That I can tell you for certain.

I’ve learned restraint for many, many years. I still practice this philosophy, especially since I have children of my own now. I’ve tried to be a good father, and think I’ve done a pretty damn good job. So far I have had no reason to get angry with my kids. Sure, they can be frustrating at times, but I try to convey the feeling in a civilized manner, so that I don’t get angry.

Another aspect of my life is this; Am I a good person who occasionally does bad things, or am I a bad person who has to do good things to repent for a past life? Frankly, I don’t know which one I am, nor do I know which answer is more frightening to me.

I’ve got flaws, I’ve done bad things. Hell, haven’t we all? It’s a part of the learning process I think we go through as humans to become better people. Experimentation with things is natural, I guess, but do we really understand the ramifications of what we do? Are we really the sum of the parts that we either cherish or reject? Is our beliefs and morality just a sham to cover up the true flaws we have, hiding them from the rest of the world?

Such questions…need answers…


Thursday, May 13, 2010

05/13/2010 A Fond Farewell and a Final F*** You

Here is where I refuse to have my emotions and pride stomped on any further by anybody anymore. This is a matter of self worth and self-esteem, and I will no longer sit idly by and let anyone tread their dirty heels on my individuality again.

For the past 5 or so years, I’ve had a friend with whom my wife and I spent time with just about every weekend. He was a fellow graduate from my high school class, and we saw eye to eye on some things, then agreed to disagree on other assorted things in life. For these 5 or so years we would spend the first day of every year drinking and playing video games for most, if not all, of the day, while eating tremendously bad food throughout the evening. This individual was a good guy, and though he had removed himself entirely from his parents and siblings, I accepted him for who he was.

I should’ve known what was going to happen.

Last summer, he moved up to Michigan, where some of our mutual friends from high school reside. I have sent emails and made phone calls, but there has been no reply. I gave up after a month, knowing I was shut out of his life just like his parents.

I have tried to not let this affect me, to stand strong knowing this was bound to happen, given his past. However, my mind has been a traitor to me, and has conveyed my true feelings to me in my dreams. I have had dreams in which he and I are at a friend's wedding, and we talk as if there is nothing wrong between us. There are dreams in which I am a dinner with him and all our mutual friends, and he never speaks to me, just glares from across the table at me.

Part of me, the “programmed-to-be-nice-and-good” me, wants to say there is no ill will between us, that the split between us is an amicable one, and that I wish him the best. There is another side of me though, one that does not wish him well, hoping that he gets ran over by a f****’n bus, and that if I ever see him again, there will be words between us, and they won’t be pretty ones.

Recently, I deleted his friend status from PSN, closing the door on this friendship. What irritates me the most is that there are good people up in Michigan that I care about, but will probably never see again, because of whatever social hiccup is between this person and I.

Oh well, a painful experience that one must learn from tends to make one stronger. I’ll go with that for now.


Wednesday, May 12, 2010

05/12/2010 The Groundwork is the Strongest Foundation

My pledge to you, my rules of this blog, are to be detailed here. These simple rules are to be the foundation for me to stay true to the format of this living journal. I vow to do the following.

1) I will write everyday, and will write something that is a deep part of me. Something that is near and dear to me, something that is a component of my life.
I refuse to write about nonsensical things that are vapid and meaningless in life. I want this to be deep and meaningful, and in doing so we will both discover the true man that is M.T. Kuszek.

2) the things that I write about will not be censored or reworked to save the feelings of people, including myself. They will be genuine emotions and thoughts that come through my mind. I refuse to hinder my growth anymore. Even if no one listens to me, or reads these blogs, they will be here for me, and for me to learn and grow from this information.

3) I will talk about many different things, but not all things, at least not yet, we will see what path this journal goes down, and when it comes time to open up those doors, I may just do it.

4) If you know me personally, whether as friend, coworker, or family, your perception of me will change. I have to acknowledge this fact, but that is just the way human nature is designed. If you feel the need to end our friendship or whatever relationship we have, so be it. Where one friend falls, two more rise. Just be aware that I will only be using my name, and will keep the details vague about other parties involved. They are the innocent, and they will be protected, for this is about my life and not theirs. I shall take responsibility for my words.

That’s all I have for now, just know that this project, this journal, has been something I have been envisioning for many years now (over ten years in the making) and now I have a medium to share it with you.

No more hiding, no more secrets, no more of the old me… I stand my ground today…


05/12/10 About Me…

This is my first blog ever, and as such I have to lay the groundwork and rules of my blog today. I figured I would start at the beginning with some basic information about me and how I’ve come to this point in my life.
I’ve lived in Toledo area for all my life, and had a solid family upbringing. My parents have been a wonderful source of love and support all these years, and my extended family has been an amazing blessing.
I have been happily married for almost 12 years now, and have brought two wonderful daughters into the world with my wife. There is no strife in my marriage, and I hope to continue this trend for many years to come. I have matured in ways that I didn’t think possible, and have understood the true meaning of happiness and stayed away from drama and dysfunction.
My past was riddled with hardships and turmoil in school and social situations that have often hindered me from forming true friendships. Often I find it hard to converse with people I barely know, and retreat into the shell that I formed years ago. I am an only child, and have remained so, and that forced me to become an introvert. I think and sound profoundly intelligent when its on paper, but when actually speaking I struggle to keep a conversation going. In grade school, I would talk to other people in the first few years of my education, but once I started to get bad grades solely based on my loquacious nature, I sent myself into a reclusive tailspin, hiding my true personality inside of me, just for the sake of good grades.
Years have passed, and I have taken great strides to break the shell that I have inhabited for so many years. But the shell is complex in its design. It is lined with layers of protocols, thoughts unspoken, and things I was taught no to speak in public, for the sake of others. For years, it has been my refuge, the place I go to when things are bad or frustrating…

But I seek this refuge…this self incarceration…no longer…

I want to meet me the real me…

In order to do so, I have to share with you my feelings. My thoughts. The very mental processes that drive every instance of my life. I must get into the very components that make up the complication that is M.T. Kuszek. I need to un-break the broken man and find out what I truly believe and desire in life. I hope this living journal is the beginning of something great for me, and that I can truly change my outlook on myself and others and become my true self without worrying about other people and their ideals.

Thank you for being here for the first step,