Mental Access to MTKuszek

Mental Access to MTKuszek
A Window of Opportunity

Friday, May 14, 2010

05/14/2010 the 3rd day Better Living Through Perpetual Conflict.

If you’ve looked closely at my Facebook page, you will see on my info page a quote about me: “A perfect balance of Yin and Yang”. For me, this has always been the truth in my life.

From my mother, I have inherited her disposition and tolerance. She is a strong woman who rarely speak bad things or gets upset about thing. She internalizes her frustrations and anger, never showing off the true nature of her feelings or emotions. She’s not a cold person by any means, just remains sunny on the outside while a storm rages on the inside of her. My father on the other hand, is not afraid to let you know how exactly he feels about things, and will curse and swear loudly if things were not working out for him. He has a certain fire about him, a part of his upbringing in a polish house, I’m sure about that.

So I have two extremes in conflict at all times in my soul; a raging short-fused temper that gets locked away inside of me as I smile and show nothing on the surface. Not a good combination.

People who have seen me frustrated often take is as me being angry. Not the case. So far I have been lucky that I have never flown off the handle entirely, because if I do it’s going to be a massive explosion. That I can tell you for certain.

I’ve learned restraint for many, many years. I still practice this philosophy, especially since I have children of my own now. I’ve tried to be a good father, and think I’ve done a pretty damn good job. So far I have had no reason to get angry with my kids. Sure, they can be frustrating at times, but I try to convey the feeling in a civilized manner, so that I don’t get angry.

Another aspect of my life is this; Am I a good person who occasionally does bad things, or am I a bad person who has to do good things to repent for a past life? Frankly, I don’t know which one I am, nor do I know which answer is more frightening to me.

I’ve got flaws, I’ve done bad things. Hell, haven’t we all? It’s a part of the learning process I think we go through as humans to become better people. Experimentation with things is natural, I guess, but do we really understand the ramifications of what we do? Are we really the sum of the parts that we either cherish or reject? Is our beliefs and morality just a sham to cover up the true flaws we have, hiding them from the rest of the world?

Such questions…need answers…


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