Mental Access to MTKuszek

Mental Access to MTKuszek
A Window of Opportunity

Thursday, May 13, 2010

05/13/2010 A Fond Farewell and a Final F*** You

Here is where I refuse to have my emotions and pride stomped on any further by anybody anymore. This is a matter of self worth and self-esteem, and I will no longer sit idly by and let anyone tread their dirty heels on my individuality again.

For the past 5 or so years, I’ve had a friend with whom my wife and I spent time with just about every weekend. He was a fellow graduate from my high school class, and we saw eye to eye on some things, then agreed to disagree on other assorted things in life. For these 5 or so years we would spend the first day of every year drinking and playing video games for most, if not all, of the day, while eating tremendously bad food throughout the evening. This individual was a good guy, and though he had removed himself entirely from his parents and siblings, I accepted him for who he was.

I should’ve known what was going to happen.

Last summer, he moved up to Michigan, where some of our mutual friends from high school reside. I have sent emails and made phone calls, but there has been no reply. I gave up after a month, knowing I was shut out of his life just like his parents.

I have tried to not let this affect me, to stand strong knowing this was bound to happen, given his past. However, my mind has been a traitor to me, and has conveyed my true feelings to me in my dreams. I have had dreams in which he and I are at a friend's wedding, and we talk as if there is nothing wrong between us. There are dreams in which I am a dinner with him and all our mutual friends, and he never speaks to me, just glares from across the table at me.

Part of me, the “programmed-to-be-nice-and-good” me, wants to say there is no ill will between us, that the split between us is an amicable one, and that I wish him the best. There is another side of me though, one that does not wish him well, hoping that he gets ran over by a f****’n bus, and that if I ever see him again, there will be words between us, and they won’t be pretty ones.

Recently, I deleted his friend status from PSN, closing the door on this friendship. What irritates me the most is that there are good people up in Michigan that I care about, but will probably never see again, because of whatever social hiccup is between this person and I.

Oh well, a painful experience that one must learn from tends to make one stronger. I’ll go with that for now.


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