12-18-2011 Painful Growth

Day 574

i have had ups and downs; moments that have broken me as a person. the stress, the pressure, the lack of experience have all ganged up on me.

last week, i was called into the office of the manager of the shipping department at my new job. i will be honest; the last week i had a few "incidents" at work. nothing was damaged, no people were hurt, but it was the tight corridors and the lack of experience with the new equipment. i had a few bumps, and a singular "scootch" of the equipment. this was enough to get me in the office.

now i talked to them, telling them that this was a new environment for me, and that i was still trying to learn the system. i was given a piece of paper, and on that piece of paper were an evaluation of my forklift skills. apparently, i was below their expectation in about everything across the board.

that hurt. that hurt real bad. i had been doing this for two weeks, and this was the real first bit of feedback that i had received from anyone officially.

i told them that i thought i had some time to develop a bit more, to really understand how to do the job. apparently, i was wrong.

as they passed the paper over for me to sign, i felt something crack. a small chink in the armor. a tiny leak that pressed the weight of a torrent of emotions behind it.

i felt a tear well up. dammit, not here, not now.

they sat back down. i honestly couldn't tell you what their expressions were. i was lost at this point. i wept bitterly. the feelings, the emotions of the last several months finally poured from me.

now it wasn't cry-baby little girl crying. this was deeper. this was everything:

the grief over the loss of my last job.
the possibility of failure at this job.
the feeling of having to go back to being unemployed, or worse, returning to a job similar to the last one.
the feeling of letting down those that i love.
the separation anxiety between myself and my wife and kids.
the total stress of having to change everything, my entire life, for this job...

and now i felt it slipping through my fingers.

i tried to explain to them, those who were there at the table with me, that i was stressed with all the life changes. i told them about my fears, and that i was still not able to conquer them, regardless of how hard i was trying to push through them.

they were responsive.

they were willing to work with me, telling me that maybe i'm on the right bus, but just not in the right seat.

currently, i'm removing scrap at the plant, transporting it into containers for recycling, and i'm also back on third shift. no more shipping for me. at least for now.

they might move me into assembly at some point, and i'm interested to see if i can do this job now. i'm not getting my hopes up, but at least my stress level is way down now.

more updated to come, until then be safe.

mk