06/25/2011 My State of Mind

day 397

((Note: this is just a generalization of the feelings that are going through me at the moment, and by no means does it mean that i am unstable or in need of medication.))

i feel...

i find my self standing on a large concrete plane, a tarmac, vast and empty.
i am alone.
behind me, far in the background, a building i know all too well.
i can't read its sign, it appears jumbled, but i know what it says.
i know it from the colors: green, black, and white.

far in the distance behind it, overcast clouds, black, thick, swirling.
i can feel the pull, the gravity, being yanked towards those clouds, yet i don't move.

the black void swirls behind the building, and i see the building flake and crack.
tiny shards peel off the building entering the void and disappearing all together.
the building shakes with the threat of being removed from its foundation.

yet i don't move.

i look ahead into the distance in front of me. i see things...

i see a table, filled with books and board games, with people i know seated around the table. i know this abstract image. for me, it is the image of where i want to be.

i see this image begin to fade and flux, switching between moments of reality and absolute decimation. i can feel the pull of the void reaching over me, and it too begins to pull flakes from this unstable icon, dragging it closer to oblivion.

beyond that, i see the number "15". it is not whole, but rather a digital display, like those on an alarm clock.
its numbers are broken, flipping indiscriminately between the numbers "15" and "14"
this too begins to shake, faintly, but deliberately.

yet i don't move...

through all of this, i should hear wind, the roar of air, the rush of oxygen. yet i don't hear that.

i hear whispers...faintly on the wind...

the words are distinct. the voices i know.

"we're fxcked"

"Game over."

"prepare for the worst"

my voice is among them too, rebutting their statements.

"hope for the best"

"this isn't over yet"

"no need to panic."

i look beyond all of these things. deep into the distance of the future...of uncertainty.

i see three doors, black monolithic obelisks against the sky.

i know these.

they are the doors. the doors of what could be, what should be, and what will be.

i take a step, yet i don't move.

my feet are in still water. stagnant. fetid.

i hear my voice on the wind.

"it's too early. Wait"

i reply to my voice.

"there is no time. i need to know"

i take another step, yet i don't move

my feet are in mud. sinking. powerless. no leverage.

my voice comes again.

"there is still hope"

i reply "i need to know. things hangs in the balance"

again i take a step, yet i don't move.

my feet dig into the concrete. anchored, deep.

my voice on the wind

"no need to panic. we must wait. we will know soon."

i look down at my feet, then to the distance.

i sigh, then speak.

"then i will wait."

so...i don't move.


MK